TITLE: Cherry
GENRE: Middle Grade Historical
I’d been expecting the blow, but the force of it still surprised me. I didn’t dare glance up for a look see, but I reckoned the imprint of my head now decorated the dining room wallpaper. It was ugly paper, anyways, so I didn’t care. Dizziness made my ears ring and the patterns on the rug fuzzy as I gathered my bare feet under me and slowly unfolded myself from the floor. A salty taste filled my mouth, and it took all my resolve to hide a bloody smile as I thought on the stupidity of a man who would risk damaging valuable property in a temper tantrum over a bit of whistling.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You've got some good description here, but my first impression is that this reads much older than middle grade. The last line in particular speaks to someone older. It doesn't feel like a twelve or thirteen-year-old would think that way.
ReplyDeleteI think the voice feels historical, though I don't have enough to place the time period. The voice feels a little too old for an average young MC, a bit too precocious and focusing on things that kids in that situation probably wouldn't focus on... but there's also a bit of a sardonic vibe that reminds me of the MC in The False Prince, a novel that I think sort of straddles MG and YA... so I don't know. I'm torn.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I like the description and feel grounded in the scene. The writing is clean and interesting.
I like your first sentence...great hook. Also, I liked your voice, but I have to agree with the comments above, it reads like a YA. I've read "unfolded myself" in so many books that by now it must be a cliche. But aside from that since I like MG Historical fiction I'd buy it.
ReplyDeleteA couple of the sentences seem too long, "Dizziness made my . . ." and "A salty taste filled my mouth . . ." They would flow better if broken up. However, " It was ugly paper, anyways, so I didn’t care" was great.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the critiques, all. Your comments are all well-founded regarding age - I tend to write for the tween audience. The girl is a mulatto slave circa pre-Civil War. I realize kids grew up faster back then, but I need to keep the voice in keeping with my audience.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I think this counts as a variety of 'car crash opening', and I'm a little surprised that no one else mentioned that. This scene drops us right into the middle of an intense physical encounter when we have no idea who the MC is and haven't had a chance to connect with her yet. I see a scene like this coming near the end of your first chapter after you've introduced us to this girl and her situation.
ReplyDeleteBut the details are effective and it sounds like a strong concept with plenty of potential, and I do like that touch of sassiness in the voice.
I agree that it reads older than MG. Also agree that it needs a bit of scene-setting before we can care about the protagonist. Who, where, why?
ReplyDeleteNormally, the Inciting Incident starts after we get a glimpse of the character. It's a good scene, but maybe for a third or fourth paragraph. Sounds authentic for a Civil War period.
I love the voice. I'm already feeling emotional about how in stride this child takes the violence she endures. Until I read the last sentence, I imagined the MC rammed her own head against the wall and agree a little scene setting prior to the first sentence might be helpful.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! I so appreciate new eyes on things, especially when knowledgeable people point out things I miss. She's so real to me that I forget other people can't see her in this scene. Great points!
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great, but I had to reread it twice to start getting a real glimpse in my head of what was happening. I think it starts too abruptly. Who is this girl who apparently got bashed in the face? I didn't understand she was the property she was referring to until I read some of the comments and started putting things together. A little more scene setting would help with that.
ReplyDelete