TITLE: JOURNEY TO RYU AIRU
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The teahouse was loud with alcohol-enhanced laughter and the roll of dice. Three men came in and adjusted their dirty robes as they took a table. I hurried over, keeping my tea tray steady and my eyes carefully lowered. Usually I didn’t even give patrons such deference--our types of customers didn’t expect it. But I feared if I raised my gaze, I’d find the man in the corner watching me again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like this opening. I definitely feel grounded in the setting and the writing seems to fit your genre. You've immediately given me a sense of place, character and tension (from the man in the corner). Nice job. My only quibble is that I don't think you need the "even" in the fourth sentence.
ReplyDeleteIt felt fantasy, like a typical crossroads tavern or something. I was a little jarred by alcohol in a teahouse, so I'm wondering if this is an atypical fantasy setting I'm just not getting the feel for yet (this comment might stem from me not reading enough medieval/European style adult fantasy to know whether teahouses are a common setting). And to that, it does feel like the start of an adult fantasy to me, but for all I know, that might get cleared up in the next couple of lines.
ReplyDeleteThe setting is good, though, I felt pretty well grounded. My only other comment is that I'm not sure (but it's hard to tell which such a short excerpt) that you need the line about showing deference. She doesn't seem to actually be giving deference, she's just avoiding the man in the corner's gaze, but talking about deference to customers makes me focus on the three new customers as if they're the reason for her fear.
I found this opening to be very effective. I feel as though I am there, because details catered to my senses. I have a strong sense of setting and even the beginnings of our MC. I'm hooked and the work is true to the genre. Great word choices, too.
ReplyDeleteI agree that this is a very good start - it has setting, character, voice, and tension. I'd definitely read more, that last sentence is great to hook the reader right in! Well done, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteA good opening that keeps our attention and feels like fantasy. That last sentence is a good hook.
ReplyDeleteI like the world-building in this one. the details make it feel fantasy. The hook in the last sentence is really works. The phrase "alcohol-enhanced," tripped me up a little, but otherwise, I think it's a solid opening. I'm interested to find out why the narrator is being watched and what she'll do about it.
ReplyDeleteYes, this felt like fantasy. It could be a scene from The Riyria Chronicles. Nice job on all of it, especially the ending hook.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, great setting, great job at grounding us. It definitely has a fantasy flavor to it. I'd like a little more detail about the men who came in, which could help set the scene a little more, but overall well done.
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