TITLE: The Case of the Missing Hand
GENRE: MG-Mystery-Fiction
Sherlock Holmes said there’s no such thing as coincidence. I used to disagree. But not any more.
“Why won’t Mom and Dad tell us what’s really going on?” Becca asked, for the fiftieth time since we left San Diego.
I stared out the window as our plane bumped onto the runway.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the first two sentences. I don't think you need the 3rd sentence But not anymore. Since she says I used to agree, we know she doesn't agree now.
ReplyDeleteYour dialogue is off because both kids would know its the parents who won't tell.
"Why won't they tell us what's happening?"
I know she's in a plane but I'm not sure if they're landing or taking off. However, they would know where they were going as the flight attendant would tell them to be sure everyone is on the correct flight before they taxi to the runway.
Are they with their parents? Are they alone and their parents are sending them away to relatives? These are questions you could hint about in the dialogue.
I would read on.
I like the quote to start off the story, but then it's a little confusing with the dialogue. I'm not sure if the person speaking is the same one looking out the window. Like Alice commented, I think you could clarify some things by incorporating it into your dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI like the use of "fiftieth time" -- this makes it feel like the MG genre. Personally, I like the dialogue and action better than the first paragraph. The Sherlock Holmes line isn't explained right away so it feels a little out of place for me. I would prefer to just jump right into the plane ride. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteBy starting with the quote, I don't know the age of the MC b/c an adult could be saying the same thing in the same language. There feels like a lot you're wanting to get into these first sentences-- a hook about coincidences, the make up of the family, the MC's voice, the fact that they have just left San Diego but the two kids don't know what's going on. But we don't know the gender of the MC or much about the MC. That we are set in the present seems clear and that there is a mystery is clear. Best luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI have the impression that this is a boy, and that Becca is his sister. And I feel they are landing because the plane bumped onto the runway. I think the voice is appropriate for MG, and I feel that your MC is into mysteries. Everything seems fine to me except I'm not positive on the gender. That may be explained in the very next sentence, however, so it's not a problem yet. The only thing I would do is delete the third sentence. It isn't needed.
ReplyDeleteI love the opening line! I definitely feel like it's easy to tell it's Middle-grade because there's voice right away. The first three sentences are exciting and pull the reader in until the dialogue enters. I feel like the dialogue is misplaced. Like the fifth sentence should go before the fourth. There can be an establishment of place and situation before the dialogue. Other than that, this entry definitely makes me want to read more :)
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great here. Very MG and I really liked the exaggeration of fiftieth time. Too funny. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice in this, and it sounds MG. The opening quote could be tied in to the rest of the dialogue a bit better. You've established character, voice and a problem right off. Great! Just fill in a few details.
ReplyDeleteGripping title!
ReplyDeleteThe voice feels MG, and the reference to Sherlock Holmes locks it into the mystery genre for me. That said, I don't feel like the tagline sentence grounds me in a scene. I'd almost suggest reversing the order of the paragraphs (maybe coming up with a different third sentence to be the actual opener), that way we have a bit of mystery before we get the Holmes line. I'd read more.
I so appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions! I can definitely see what I need to clarify. (Cordelia is correct--the main character is Becca's brother.) I'm so glad that MG voice is coming through! Thank you all for your encouraging comments!
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions! I can definitely see what I need to clarify. (Cordelia is correct--the main character is Becca's brother.) I'm so glad that MG voice is coming through! Thank you all for your encouraging comments!
ReplyDeleteMG Mysteries are always such fun to read, and you've set this one up nicely!
ReplyDeleteI like the quote, but wonder if the scene would be better served to start with the dialogue and the plane landing. (I'd love to hear the narrator quote Sherlock Holmes' words!)