TITLE: Arrival
GENRE: Fiction
Shortly before midnight one frosty October evening, something strange started to happen near Edinburgh Castle. It began with a slight breeze; just a whisper on the wind, a gentle soughing among the leaves of Princes Street Gardens. Then it changed, becoming a rustling in the bushes, a flattening of the sparse grass. Despite the chill, a sort of shimmer, like a heat haze, appeared in the dark, still air above Princes Street.
Waiting in the shop doorway, homeless Kate nodded in approval.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Has potential to be intriguing but with the passive writing, I'm not drawn in to the story but I wanted to be. The vagueness of "it" further lead to disconnect. You might be better served to start with the sentence beginning: Despite the chill the move on from there and actively show the something strange happening.
ReplyDeleteThank you! That is very useful. I could easily rewrite that first para to be active voice.
DeleteYou don't mention what genre of fiction this is, so that makes this opening difficult to judge. I do think these lines could be edited to get to the "strange" part more quickly. Right now you spend a lot of words on describing a breeze picking up rather than beginning the story or introducing us to the main character.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments! The default setting in the form was "Fiction", and stupidly, I didn't realize I could change it. It's MG magical realism.
Delete"Fiction" just by itself isn't really a genre... I know this isn't directly related to your first sentences, but this way I can't tell if they feel like your genre or not. Is this Contemporary, Historical, Fantasy...?
ReplyDeleteThis has potential, and it leaves me wanting to know more about the story, but I agree that it is somewhat passive. Also, starting with descriptions of weather might not be the best way to begin a book. Robyn's suggestion is a possibility - that way the character is introduced right on the second sentence, and you could save the rest for later.
Good luck!
Thanks for your comments! The default setting in the form was "Fiction", and stupidly, I didn't realize I could change it. It's MG magical realism.
DeleteOh, that works really well, then! I was going to say the first sentence read like the beginning of a fairytale, so it's good for MG Magical Realism! ;)
DeleteWhat a nice thing to say, thank you!
DeleteThis definitely has a sort of whimsy feel to it for me. Based on the above notes on it being MR, that would fit. The description gets a smidgeon too involved in the first paragraph, but I like where it's going. I would read more.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! Loving all this support! :-)
DeleteAgree with everyone else on passive. But, I had to say I love the word 'soughing'. This reminds me a little of Charles de Lint, a favorite in the genre. When you rework it, I hope we get to read more.
ReplyDeleteCharles de Lint - holy cow!! Thank you! :-)))
DeleteI like this and am curious as to what's going to happen. I agree with above comments concerning passivity and possibly beginning with the last sentence of your first paragraph. It would also be good to eliminate unnecessary words such as 'sort of' and 'started to happen.' I really like this, though. Good luck with it.
ReplyDeleteKnowing this is MG magical reaslism (also, before knowing the category, I felt like it could have been MG fantasy), I feel like the opening works but might be more effective if it were edited down a little so we get to Kate faster.
ReplyDelete