TITLE: The Blind World
GENRE: Urban Fantasy (NA)
Caleb drops by when Miranda is waiting for Cole to arrive for Story Time, where he usually talks about Caleb raising Hell. Literally.
“Sorry to drop by with no notice,” he says, leaning back against the car casually.
I wave off his apology. “It’s fine. How was your day?” I ask.
He shrugs, a smirk appearing on his face. “It was fine,” he says. Then, he lifts up his hand and beckons me toward him with the crook of his index finger.
A shy smile spreads across my lips and I move closer to him, stopping about three steps away. Caleb shakes his head, biting his lower lip, and motions for me to move even closer. I do so, stepping right up to him.
Before I can say anything, he slips his arms around my waist and leans down to kiss me solidly on the lips.
I know I said I wanted to wait, but damn! I can’t help but kiss him back, heat coiling in my belly. Soon, his tongue begs for entrance, swiping along my lower lip. The moment I allow the kiss to deepen, he turns us around, gently pinning me back against his car.
Man, he can kiss!
When he pulls away, I sneak in a breath and shake my head. “Come back here,” I mumble, winding my hands around his neck. This time, he presses against me even harder, reaching down to grip my thigh in his hand.
Not even ten seconds later, someone clears their throat behind Caleb.
“Uh, excuse me.” The newcomer’s voice is gruff with barely-concealed annoyance. I know that voice… Cole! It completely slipped my mind that we have plans.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I can feel the passion! The only comment I have is that there seem to be some instances of telling instead of showing. Kind of a "he did this and then I did that" but maybe try to make the audience feel a little more of what's happening in this seen. Otherwise, very nice work!
ReplyDeleteNice scene with the “bad boy.” Makes it seem a little risky. I thought the opening greetings between the two sounded a little too formal or proper for two people about to go diving into each other. For myself, I try to avoid using the pronoun “their,” the way it is used at the end. Maybe… “a gruff voice sounded behind Caleb.” Something like that?
ReplyDeleteOops! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI like this scene. I agree that the opening dialogue is a little formal and stiff, especially from a supposed hell-raiser. Like, maybe he'd just say, "Fine," a little more casual, relaxed dialogue. But maybe he's an overly formal guy. Hard to tell just from this scene. And I think you can eliminate some extra dialogue tags in those greetings, which may help-- leave the actions and cut the "he says" and "I ask."
The kiss itself is great, and I like that it's interrupted.
There are a few places you can tighten things. Delete "casually" from the first sentence, since leaning back implies it.
ReplyDelete"Beckons me with the crook . . ." probably doesn't need "crook" or "index."
"Man he can kiss" isn't necessary with the excellent paragraph that follows.
Delete "in his hand" from third paragraph from end.
Make the line "leans down to kiss me solidly" more immediate. "Solidly" makes it sound like it already happened. The reader wants to experience it right in the moment. Something like "he presses his lips against mine before I can resist."
I really liked the line about his tongue begging for entrance. If you tweak the scene to the level of that paragraph, this passage will be a winner.