TITLE: Going Gridless
GENRE: Fiction
His eyes narrowed and I could tell he didn't believe me.
I sighed, "The truth?" he nodded. "I thought you were going to kiss me. And then when you, didn't I got disappointed. That's all. Just stupid teenage girl hormones." I explained, looking down at my bare feet. There was a moment of silence and then I felt his finger hook underneath my chin gently lifting it up. My eyes met his reluctant and calm washed over me.
"You wanted me to kiss you?"
I nodded slightly, taking my lip between my teeth, I didn't trust my voice not to falter.
"What if I said I was going to, but didn't want to make you uncomfortable?" his voice was low and hesitant.
"I believe you're simply attempting to make me feel better." I quietly replied.
He shook his head no. "Well, I'm not. But I'd like to."
He closed his eyes and leaned in, the smell of lake water fresh on his skin. His lips inched closer slowly and my heart sped up. His other hand came to the side of my face and tilted it up.
I shut my eyes and felt his lips, soft and hot from the sun, close in around mine.
It was a chaste, but powerful kiss, his lips slowly moving in sync with mine. My hand automatically came up and held onto his wrist.
We stood like that for a minute, for eternity, for forever. My concept of time was completely misplaced as I went on to kiss Hunter.
City girl meets Gridless boy.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this flirtatious give and take.
ReplyDeleteI sighed, "The truth?" he nodded. "I thought you were going to kiss me. And then when you, didn't I got disappointed.
I'm assuming She asks "The truth?" and then he nods. Just need to be a little clearer there. Also, maybe change "...when you didn't, I got disappointed." to "...when you didn't, I was disappointed."
I think the ending works well too by saying ' my concept of time was completely misplaced as I went on to kiss Hunter.
THe only thing I would change there is to say '...as I continued kissing Hunter.'
Please cut the it was a chaste line. A chaste kiss comes from your grandmother-- not from a potential romantic partner.
ReplyDeletei love the honesty. i can feel her vulnerablity at the beginning of the scene. not sure i get the last line "city girl meets girdles boy"? good job!
ReplyDeleteI suggest adding paragraph breaks for clarity here:
ReplyDeleteI sighed. "The truth?"
He nodded.
"I thought..."
I also suggest trimming back a bit in order to bring the action closer to the reader, e.g.: 'I (explained,) looked(ing) down at my...' and again later with '...and then (I felt) his fingers hooked underneath my chin....lifting it (up).' I also think cutting telling portions in favor of showing will keep the scene fresh, e.g.,: '(It was a chaste....kiss, h) His lips slowly moved...' I liked the way the kiss wraps up with her losing all sense of time. (Sounds like a good kiss!)