TITLE: BLACK FEATHER BOY
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Cornelius thought his luck couldn’t get any worse, the aching in his back made him think he might not be able to participate in the year’s final swim competition. Winning the championship would be the one thing that would bring him that much closer to being accepted by his classmates. He’d missed the last few days of practice. That tomorrow was his twelfth birthday was the last thing on his mind.
Laying on his bed, he tried to read but couldn’t find a comfortable position. So much for reading. He let the whirring fan on the ceiling hypnotize him and within minutes Cornelius was fast asleep.
By the time he finally woke the sun was setting. A long streak of orange light reached across the room to where he lay on the bed. The television was on downstairs, its sound muffled through the bedroom floor. Was that fresh baked lemon cake he smelled? The clock read 7:45pm. He rubbed his eyes and forced himself out of bed, dragging across the room to the door. The inside of his mouth felt like a wooly sweater. He could do with a glass of water.
As he passed his mirror, he stopped. What was that on his back? With one cautious step backward, Cornelius eased himself toward the mirror again. He took a deep breath and slowly turned to the side, then stumbled backward. It was all he could do not to scream. There, poking through his shirt, was a long black feather.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is intriguing, but far too rushed for me. My impression is that you wanted to squeeze too much in, to make the most of your 250 words. You don't need this, you need to build momentum ! The wings on the back remind me of the X-Men (so super-cool) the fact the the MC is a child makes it even more exciting and intriguing (how will he react to this change? What will he do next?) just don't rush things and you will be MORE than fine! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is intriguing, but far too rushed for me. My impression is that you wanted to squeeze too much in, to make the most of your 250 words. You don't need this, you need to build momentum ! The wings on the back remind me of the X-Men (so super-cool) the fact the the MC is a child makes it even more exciting and intriguing (how will he react to this change? What will he do next?) just don't rush things and you will be MORE than fine! :)
ReplyDeleteStrong opening sentence makes the reader want to read on to see why. I would end the sentence after "worse." Then start a new sentence.
ReplyDeleteProofread to eliminate the word "that" unless you absolutely need it.
I think many of your sentences could be tightened by taking out unnecessary words or rewriting for more clarity. Also check overuse of pronouns and vary with the noun for clarity.
As a reader, I would want to read on. The back pain plus the emergence of a feather from the MC's back is very interesting, and I would want to know what is going on. I also think the male character, age, and situation would capture young male readers. Would love to read more.
Your descriptions are excellent but I didn't care too much about the narrator until I read about that black feather and then I cared a lot. Before that, I figured he had pulled a muscle at swim practice. So, I'm wondering if you want to start with your final paragraph. Others are suggesting that the opening is too rushed, so maybe this would rush things even more, but that feather is very gripping.
ReplyDeleteI'm probably with the others - the paragraph about him lying in bed and then falling asleep really doesn't add to the story. The smell of the cake might wake him up, and then he might start thinking about the swim meet. It feels like there should be more suspense about discovering the feather. If he's just waking up from a nap he might feel a bit groggy - would be surprised to see the feather - but probably wouldn't assume it was growing out of his back - until he gave it a tug. Then he'd be quite surprised. I like the story! I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI love this story- a boy who wants to win the swim meet, but having a feather poke out of his back will definitely change that- what a drag : ) but this could possibly be awesome for him as well. I would definitely read on! I agree with Patrica Nesbitt on tightening & simplifying your sentences and for me, I'm missing rhythm. Play with setting and action- i.e. after swim practice, he sees the feather poking out of his back in the locker room's mirror... I think this could make it more active and add more tension. (Falling asleep in bedroom and waking up is not a strong opening) Great concept! All the best!
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting premise! However, you spend the first paragraphs skimming through backstory. I think you could actually start with the last paragraph. Beware, though, the cliche of a character looking in the mirror. Is there another creative way that he can discover the feather? Like it catching on his shirt as he's getting dressed, or he pulls on it, thinking it's a string or something tickling him… and it hurts! You can build in the other bits of backstory as you go.
ReplyDeleteI like your voice, but it doesn't feel very middle grade to me. You have more of a YA sensibility. I wonder whether that would change if you tried writing this in first person? If you explore your character's voice you might be able to age down your writing. This also seems to move a tad slowly. I'd think about putting the reader right in the action from the start.
ReplyDelete