TITLE: Devil's Playground
GENRE: YA Historical Fantasy
“Elizabeth, are you up?” I sit up with a start, taking a moment to orient myself. Oh, yeah. It’s Sunday. And I’ve slept in again.
“Yes, I’m almost ready,” I lie, jumping out of bed. I wince as my bare feet hit the cold floor. Time to put on my ‘Sunday best.’ I pull out the first dress I see. It doesn’t seem to matter much when my choices are the black dress, the dark black dress, or the other black dress. Shall I wear the one with the hole, the one with two holes, or the one the mouse chewed through?
“Elizabeth! We are going to be late, we need to leave,” I hear Mother call again, this time with a hint of impatience.
“I’ll be right there!”
After exchanging my white nightdress for the dark black dress that the mouse chewed through, I tie a white apron around my waist, attempting to hide the hole. I am nearly out the door when I realize I have forgotten my cap.
I sigh, quickly pinning my hair back before covering it with the white cap, a symbol of my purity. I now look like every other girl in Salem village, just how it should be. It seems a shame to let my curls go to waste and I can’t help but pull a few forward.
I walk out to the front room where Father, Mother, and my younger sister Anna are waiting. Mother sighs and shakes her head.
"What did I do now?" I ask.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a nice opening. I'm surprised though that everyone else is ready to walk out the door when Elizabeth is still in bed. Maybe you could change it a bit to where the rest of the family is in the process of dressing/ getting ready when she walks out of her bedroom. I don't know; it's only a small detail, but one that caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I liked her description of her dress choices - it shows her voice. I would suggest putting the opening line of dialogue in its own paragraph, since it's someone else speaking. And I would like to see something out of the ordinary happen pretty quickly. A character oversleeping isn't an especially unique opening scene, but the touch of humor and the setting of Salem have potential, so as long as this leads quickly to something different, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice, particularly in choosing which black dress to wear. You handle the cap well too, and make her very relate-able as a narrator. I'm not sure why she asks what do I do now -- so I guess you've hooked me since I want to know why she said that.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise of this, and the voice of the MC! This is giving me a WITCH OF BLACKBIRD POND vibe. One of my all-time favorite books!
ReplyDeleteGeneral advice: a lot of agents shy away from openings that begin with the MC waking up. I personally don't mind it, but I think that they see it far too often and their eyes start to glaze over. For some, it's an auto-reject.
I LOVE this part:
"It doesn’t seem to matter much when my choices are the black dress, the dark black dress, or the other black dress."
Maybe start with that? With her in her closet, trying to decide which dress. Then I'm hooked. It's great voice. And intriguing, as I wonder why all her dresses are black (at least for a moment, until I see that she's putting on a wite apron and cap and get that it's the standard garb).
A couple sidenotes: The fact that she is lamenting her black garb makes me wonder why she thinks she can wear anything different. Has she seen pictures of other people wearing other clothes?
Also, while I love her voicey-ness, it reads a little modern to me. Maybe work in some turns of phrase that sound a bit more period?
I really like "the black dress, the dark black dress, or the other black dress. Shall I wear the one with the hole, the one with two holes, or the one the mouse chewed through?" -- though I admit to being the sort of person who wondered what made a "dark" black dress. Is it that the others are older, a bit faded? Interesting that Elizabeth is "orienting herself" in the first paragraph, but doesn't give readers much to orient themselves. Perhaps this is by design: Salem Village hits like a jolt...what had seemed like an ordinary, even modern girl's voice is now put in jeopardy just by what we know of that setting. And the "It seems a shame to let my curls go to waste and I can’t help but pull a few forward" -- this makes me love E., but also fear for her given her milieu. So I would keep reading...
ReplyDeleteI think you could cut second exchange of dialogue (we're going to be late/I'll be right there) OR revise them to show us more of what's unique to this story (Elizabeth's mother's syntax, perhaps?) -- as written, they don't reveal anything in particular, and keep us from getting to the awesomeness that follows.
I love the flippancy of the dress choices! I am a little worried about the cliche of waking up as an opening. I am left wanting to know what she's late for and of course who all is waiting on her, so I am intrigued! But maybe a few thoughts about what she's getting dressed for, to hint and push the reader to turn the page. Is today different than any other day? What is special about Sunday? Your voice is great, and very easy to read. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot to like about this--Elizabeth is immediately likable. I do wonder about where you've chosen to start the story, though. What's the benefit of starting us off with Elizabeth waking up and getting dressed? There are definitely other, more interesting entrance points to this narrative. I enjoy your voice, but (and I mentioned this to another person earlier) be aware that present tense writing gets very mixed reactions from people in publishing. I personally don't mind it, but I've seen editors have negative reactions to it before. Present tense adds immediacy, but past tense is definitely the standard. Just be aware of that!
ReplyDelete