TITLE: Rewrite
GENRE: Adult Literary Fantasy
Keegan looked across the half-finished tree house at his son, Ian, and smiled. Even though rain fell through the leaves and soaked their clothes, neither wanted to quit working. It’d been too long since they completed a project together, and the tree house was something they’d looked forward to building for some time.
“Do you have the hammer?” Keegan asked.
“Uhh…” Ian twisted, looking in the pile of tools and wood around him. He reached into the toolbox and brought out a shining hammer. “Here.”
Keegan reached for the tool and his feet slipped from the slick wood plank of the tree house floor. The pain of his body slamming into the ground below was so intense, he felt it for only an instant before icy numbness crept over him. He stared back up at the half-finished tree house and realized his wife was right. Ian will fall to his death from that thing, she’d said. Well, she was partially right.
“Dad!” Ian’s scream grew faint as reality fell away.
Keegan smelled the damp, crisp fall leaves and he knew the raindrops falling on his face meant his tools were getting wet. He felt cold, but couldn’t decide if the sensation came from the ground, the air, or his mind.
I hope Ian remembers to take those tools inside. That handsaw is brand new. It’ll be ruined if it rusts.
A dense grey cloud covered the remainder of the afternoon sun, and it was the last thing he saw before the world faded from him.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I would have like to know how old Ian is to get a better picture. Just adding "6yo Ian" would add a lot more than just the three words. I also felt you had a few words and phrases that could be cut to make it tighter and more concise. "...for some time", "...and brought out a shining hammer", "...into the ground below" could all be cut out and still maintain your point.
ReplyDeleteI agree with charlief33's comments and would add that "ian will fall to his death" probably needs quotation marks.
ReplyDeleteCongrats.
For me, I really think you need more in regards to Keegan's fall. One sentence he slips, and the next he's on the ground experiencing the worst pain ever. Give the reader a little bit in-between, because I had to re-read it just to understand that he fell. Did he have any thoughts on the way down? What was the last thing he saw before he landed? Filling in the blanks will really strengthen this, I think. Good luck.:)
ReplyDeleteThat went from heartwarming to upsetting very quickly! I do think you have a very compelling opening here. That said, the fall really is fairly abrupt. I had to read that part it over again to fully grasp what was happening. A few more sentences there would probably fix that problem, though! My only other real question is: How old is Ian? It's a bit unclear. Keegan says that it's been a long time since they've worked on a project to completion and Ian is clearly old enough to be trusted with tools, but he also has to be young enough to want a tree house. I'd guess maybe eleven? A quick line telling us his age would be helpful!
ReplyDeleteThe "time slowing down during an accident" thing seems cliche, but it's not. When a life-altering event happens, it really does happen in slow motion. It was so abrupt that I wasn't sure what was happening for a moment. Throw in a few sentences and give us something to hang onto, to orient ourselves to what's happening.
ReplyDeleteAlso, after he falls, you have some narrative distance that, if stripped away, will create immediacy. "Keegan smelled the damp, crisp fall leaves and he knew the raindrops falling on his face meant his tools were getting wet. He felt cold, but couldn’t decide if the sensation came from the ground, the air, or his mind." Switching it to being in Keegan's head looking outward (e.g. "The leaves' earthy scent wafted over him" or something) will put the reader in his mind.