TITLE: The Possibility of Fate
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
A secret is a powerful thing.
Lily realized this as her dad slid his keycard over a tiny silver box on the wall, unlocking the door to the lab. She felt like she was part of something special, worthy of whatever was hiding behind that door.
"Why are we at your work?" she whispered as the matallic door slid open. The slightly antispectic smell her dad always carried home from the lab suddenly filled the cool air and her pulse raced. She'd never been allowed inside the building before, and that scent made it real.
She followed her dad through the threshold and stopped in her tracks. The room was filled with metal tables and rolling chairs and all sorts of unusual machines and equipment, just like he'd described. But it was also dark and empty.
"Where is everyone?" Lily asked as her dad flipped on the lights.
He flashed a conspiratorial smile over his shoulder. "I gave everyone the afternoon off."
Lily's happiness deflated a bit. When he'd picked her up during the middle of a sixth grade assembly, it felt mysterious and clandestine. But it wasn't as special if others were in on it too.
Her dad chuckled at her disappointed expression and scooped her up onto one of the lab tables. "I let everyone else go home early so we could be the only ones here. I've been working on something amazing and I wanted you to be the first one to know about it."
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is really well done. The best I've read so far. It flows well, and your use of the senses is great. The way the smell brings it home for her is good. My only critique here would be that you might have a few words/phrases that are unnecessary. "...like she was", "...and stopped in her tracks", "...a bit" could all be cut and maintain your meaning.
ReplyDeleteI like the mysterious feeling from the opening line. I do want to know the secret. I like the atmosphere of an empty metallic lab. Antiseptic and spooky.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which some misspellings: metallic and antiseptic.
This is one of the stonger entries.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if a sixth grader would be the heroine of a YA book? And would a dad really pick up a 12 year old girl and set her on the counter? Not the sixth graders I know.
I agree with "stopped in her tracks" - sounds cliche.
Spelling error metallic.
Good job, overall.
Just to clarify, the entry is from a very short prologue that takes place a few years before the rest of the story. Lily's actually a junior in high school, which is why it's YA. Thanks for the helpful comments! And next time I'm going to figure out a way to make copy and paste work with Authoress' entry form so I don't have to retype everything and end up with spelling errors! :)
DeleteThe writing is really strong. I wish these entries included a pitch! I'd love to know what the paranormal angle is. If there is a way to add even a hint of that genre in the first page (though I love the first line--that works on its own), I think that could make the page even stronger.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is really strong. I wish these entries included a pitch! I'd love to know what the paranormal angle is. If there is a way to add even a hint of that genre in the first page (though I love the first line--that works on its own), I think that could make the page even stronger.
ReplyDeleteFirst line is definately a winner. The fact that everyone left early drives me into the story because I ask myself if his "something amazing" is fit for the public.....or is this going to be their LITTLE secret?
ReplyDeleteSo there's definitely a lot here to like! Be careful of the market, though. You describe this as YA, but 6th grade is middle grade. In YA we're talking age 16 at the very lowest. I'd take a look at the content of the story and decide whether it skews older or younger and make sure that your character's age reflects that. The middle grade and YA markets are VERY different so it's important to know which one your book belongs to.
ReplyDeleteI also got a fairly creepy vibe from the dad, which you may or may not have been going for, but is worth mentioning just in case!