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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

May Secret Agent #17

TITLE: What Happens After Ever
GENRE: MG Fantasy/Humor

  1. Must love frogs.
  2. Doesn’t smell like brussel sprouts.
Princess Gemineen took a last look at the numbered items and tucked the worked-over parchment back into her gown’s sleeve. Once a bucket list of characteristics she hoped her “true love” would possess, these were the only two that hadn’t been scratched out. Now, watching from the back of a shallow cave with her hired dragon shifting nervously from foot to foot, she thought even those seemed like long shots. She wondered if this would be just another of her many failed attempts to find the one who could break her curse.

The dragon scratched its butt and sighed. “He’ll show. Right?”

As dragons go, he wasn’t the most imposing—smallish, more teal than forest green, and his jittery nature evoked an unhealthy bout of second-guessing. As it had in other circumstances, Gem’s weathered, sixth-edition, pocket-sized copy of The Godmother’s Fairy Tale Companion~ The Definitive Source for All Things Fairytale, had helped her narrow places to find a dragon-for-hire. She settled on one offering a special—five hours rental for the price of four at a rate better than Gem had found elsewhere in the greater tri-kingdom area. The dragon’s demeanor created doubts, but she had little choice. Her royal allowance was dwindling. She couldn’t afford to be picky.

They’d haggled a bit before settling terms. She knew to be cautious—half now, half when the job was done—having been burned by a dragon once before.


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7 comments:

  1. Sonia CampbellMay 20, 2015 at 2:06 PM

    I like this, especially that last line! :) One little thing...the long paragraph in the middle read a bit wordy for MG.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don McFatridgeMay 20, 2015 at 3:05 PM

    This is fun. Like the fact she's dwindled down her list to only two items. The dragon is a hoot and the last line is priceless.

    Thanks for sharing and good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. fakestephMay 20, 2015 at 5:46 PM

    This is the perfect blend of the familiar and the modern that always makes me laugh. I would definitely read more.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Julie ButcherMay 20, 2015 at 6:20 PM

    It is very bright and adorable. there's a little of the bass-akward sentences (I do this a lot) They’d haggled a bit before settling terms. She knew to be cautious—half now, half when the job was done—having been burned by a dragon once before.

    should be

    They’d haggled a bit before settling terms. She knew to be cautious having been burned by a dragon once before. Half now, half when the job was done.

    I do wonder if true love is middle grade, it seems more YA but that could be me. *shrug*

    I like the voice.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Halli GomezMay 20, 2015 at 10:28 PM

    I love this! The voice is great. You have some really cute lines in here, starting with the first two sentences. I am wondering so many things - why did her list dwindle? why did she have to rent a dragon? I usually don't read princess stories, but I would love to read this and find the answers to all my questions! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Laur.RoseMay 21, 2015 at 7:58 PM

    Absolutely adorable! Would so love to read! Great voice and fun world.
    Just be careful about tense:

    She'D settled on one offering a special—five hours rental for the price of four at a rate better than Gem had found elsewhere in the greater tri-kingdom area. The dragon’s demeanor created doubts, but she'D had little choice.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Secret AgentMay 22, 2015 at 3:24 PM

    This made me laugh! Super fun. I would definitely read more of this.

    I recommend doing a search for places to tighten. This sentence, for example, feels a touch wordy:

    She wondered if this would be just another of her many failed attempts to find the one who could break her curse.

    Overall, nice work!

    ReplyDelete