TITLE: IMPERFECT LIVES
GENRE: YA contemporary thriller
The walls of our three-story colonial could withstand force-five gales, but did nothing to muffle Mom’s sobs from the adjoining room, or Dad’s frenzied pacing in the hall outside my bedroom.
I dragged a pair of jeans over my boxers and sat on the edge of my bed, staring at my clenched hands. Stop it already.. Not that my jumping in would make any difference. I walked to the door and leaned my forehead again the cool wood, as Mom continued to sob.
David would know the right thing to do. But, if he were here, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. And I wouldn’t be sitting here missing my twin and listening to my parents tear each other apart.
Something heavy thudded against my bedroom wall, followed by the sound of glass shattering. Dad stopped pacing. “What the hell, Terese?” A pause, then, “Oh, for God’s sake, get a grip! He’s not coming back.”
Dad was great at stating the obvious.
Mom’s answer was too low for me to hear, but I didn’t need to. Their arguments always ended with Dad either sleeping on the couch or leaving the house. Lately he’d been leaving more often.
I buried my head in my hands. Damn you, David. Why the hell did you do it?
Dad’s footsteps paused outside my door. I waited for him to continue toward the stairs. He hadn’t set foot in my room since David died.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is not my usual genre but I do like this opening. Great tension and sense of what has happened. The only part I didn't care for was the very first line. Mentioning a walls weathering a gale force storm as a way to place the setting sets a different tone than what this turned out to be. Even though there may be a metaphorical storm, it just didn't match the rest of the opening. Perhaps just deleting that first line or two would help. otherwise, nice voice, tension, and realism.
ReplyDeleteThis is not my usual genre but I do like this opening. Great tension and sense of what has happened. The only part I didn't care for was the very first line. Mentioning a walls weathering a gale force storm as a way to place the setting sets a different tone than what this turned out to be. Even though there may be a metaphorical storm, it just didn't match the rest of the opening. Perhaps just deleting that first line or two would help. otherwise, nice voice, tension, and realism.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Dottie that the first sentence does not do justice to the rest of the piece. I like the set up. The dialog and setting seem real. Any scene where kids overhear their parents arguing creates tension.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading.
I like it, I would keep reading, but I am an adult so far the story is about the parents, and the dead brother and the MC is kind of every man and neutral. A main character needs to make things happen and not only react to what happens around him.
ReplyDeleteI love this and will have to disagree and state that I like the first sentence. It gives a nice description as to how fierce the fight is.
ReplyDeleteI did notice an extra period in the following sentence "Stop it already.." Wasn't sure if you were going for a period or ellipse.
Anyways, I really like this. The set up is great. Your voice is great. Dialogue is great. Obviously I'd read on.:)
I loved the opening paragraph. You deftly managed to bring in a bit of setting, plus the action of the MC's parents. You do a great job drawing us into the scene -- we lean in along with the MC to better hear his parents fight. The gut-punch of the closing line is perfect. It says so much about what's become of his relationship with his father, how the loss of his brother has torn their family apart. I'd definitely keep on reading!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening and set-up. Plenty of tension and I enjoyed the writing. The one thing I would like to know is what was thrown against the wall. Sounds like it's a photo of David though it might not be. The idea of a photo of David is a little discordant as it gives the impression of a Mom who is more angry than grieving, though, again, this could be the author's intention...
ReplyDeleteHello Entry #18,
ReplyDeleteI like this, it's very intense. You've gotten some mixed feedback on your opening line, and I'm afraid my take is mixed as well. I like the concept of the opening, but I feel like the sentence is a bit too long. The last part about the father pacing in the hall outside the bedroom is not really necessary, as you've already said the walls are thick so one would assume this is happening outside the wall. Otherwise, good voice and interesting premise.
Good Luck!
You’ve set up a very intense opening. I’ve got a few suggestions to get the same information in, without having such a long opening sentence.
ReplyDeleteCut three-story colonial and simply make it –
The walls of out house could withstand force-five gales, but did nothing to muffle Mom’s sobs from the adjoining room.
I think this makes your first sentence stronger.
Then, you can add the dad’s pacing in the second sentence.
I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at my clenched hands as Dad’s frenzied pacing wore out the carpet in the hall outside of my room.
Good beginning. I’d read more.
You have done a wonderful job of setting up this scene of the distress that suicide causes. This is such an important topic and more attention is being given to it. Your way of letting the story tell itself works very well. I agree with Gayle that the first sentence may not need the specific detail about the house. And yet some specifics can help. What about substituting "Colonial" for "house" so that you keep the simplification that Gayle suggests while still having a less generic home. My firs thought about the ending was that the final sentence and the one before it would read better if they were reversed. But now I'm not so sure. Otherwise, I loved every word and teens will too. It's good that the m.c. is a boy. He will have a different take on the trauma than a girl would.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard and intense. Nice work. I think this can use touches of tightening here and there, so perhaps give that a shot when you have some distance from everyone's comments.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, a small example: Their arguments always ended with Dad either sleeping on the couch or leaving the house.
Do you need "either"? You present the two options. So: ...with Dad sleeping on the couch or leaving the house.
I'm not sure you're nailing the opening paragraph just yet:
The walls of our three-story colonial could withstand force-five gales, but did nothing to muffle Mom’s sobs from the adjoining room, or Dad’s frenzied pacing in the hall outside my bedroom.
The house is protected on the outside -- not the inside. Is there a better connection you can make between force-five gales and what has happened? That the brother's suicide (?) was a stronger force than such gales and even a house so strong couldn't withstand it?
Overall, I would keep reading. Curious to know what happened.