TITLE: The Shattered Watch
GENRE: Middle Grade SF
The Kendrick family had a hard time following the rules. Carson always thought this strange because as time travelers, they had a lot of them. Rules about how to Travel (always take someone with you), where to Travel (locations had to be carefully chosen to avoid attention) and even what to wear while Traveling (clothes that could blend into most time periods).
Maybe it was because there were so many rules that everyone seemed to break more than they followed. So on his thirteenth birthday, when Carson wanted to bend them just a little bit, he was surprised to find no one would let him.
“I’m sorry, but you have to watch the shop,” Aunt Harriet said as she pulled him down the stairs to the first floor landing. “The rest of the family will be at the meeting.”
“It’s my birthday, I’m old enough to go now.” Carson braced his feet against the doorway. He had seen someone on a TV show do this once to escape an attacker.
“Not until the ceremony tonight.” Aunt Harriet tugged his arm and frowned when he didn’t move an inch. She obviously hadn’t seen the show. “It’s the rule.”
“It’s just eight hours,” Carson pointed out, but the look on her face made him move on to his next tactic. “What about when I can come to the meetings? Who will watch the shop, then?”
She shrugged. “We’ll close it, probably. Or have the meeting at night.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a good beginning. The reader flows right into the story with interest. The only problem I had was with 'Carson braced his feet against the doorway'. I'm not seeing it. Can you describe it differently? You've really sparked my interest and I would enjoy reading more!
ReplyDeleteI like the set up - clarity really helps in those first few paragraphs - good job.
ReplyDeleteI am wondering if using italics on "how" to travel, "where" to travel, etc might help to emphasize.
Very little to critique here - I would keep reading.
Nicely set up. The aunt is so very clear to me so good job on that. Feet like the tv show = awesome.
ReplyDeleteGood start, but I am unclear exactly on what rule he wants to break--whatever it is, it should pique our interest. It seems as if he wants to go to a meeting, which doesn't sound that interesting because we don't know what happens there. Also, most 13 year olds would be a little upset to be "left to watch the shop" (what kind of shop?) on their birthday. Why would his family do that to him? Why doesn't he react to that? The last line about closing the shop so he can come to the meeting seems to negate the whole issue in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued with this set up, but this beginning feels a little tell-y to me. I think it's because the first two paragraphs were just kind of set up... almost like backstory. And I'm not sure backstory is the best place to start a book. Maybe consider changing where you start?
ReplyDeleteI do love the first sentence and you have a classical MG tone a la the Penderwicks. I do think you could condense and consolidate the first two paragraphs. Get us to the rules that the MC has broken and why he expects to be able to do it on his 13th bday.
ReplyDeleteI really like this!
ReplyDeleteYou've got a great flow and I would continue reading.
The only thing I'm struggling with is Carson bracing his foot against the door.
If I'm picturing it correctly, he's leaning against the doorframe with his foot up on the other edge of the doorframe to block his aunt from leaving, but this image doesn't work with the reference of escaping an attacker. Stopping an attacker from leaving? Yes, but not escaping an attacker.
Great opening! I was swept in right away and would certainly keep reading.
ReplyDeleteWhat I questioned:
You can probably get rid of this sentence: Maybe it was because there were so many rules that everyone seemed to break more than they followed.
Also:
* where to Travel (locations had to be carefully chosen to avoid attention) Should this be connected to the next rule? You need to avoid attention and a great way to do that is with the right clothing. Perhaps connect these more clearly.
* even what to wear while Traveling (clothes that could blend into most time periods) I know that this is to avoid attention, right, but wouldn't this would be particularly difficult? Perhaps it would serve to point this out in the parentheses? Something like, but better than: (clothes that could blend into most time periods, which is harder than it sounds!)
Overall, nice work!