TITLE: QUEST FOR THE KALEVALA
GENRE: MG Fantasy
A gazillion white cardboard boxes block my escape route from this funky-modern Finnish kitchen. Looks like I’m going to have to unpack my way out if I want to shoot hoops. Mom’s already working like a maniac—paper flying over her shoulder as she unwraps stuff—so I slice open a box. Two moves in the past four years make me the king of unpacking.
She rolls up a pile of brown paper and says, “Oh, Hen, I forgot to tell you, I found you a mowing job!”
“Seriously? Like moving to Helsinki wasn’t bad enough, now you think I need a job too?”
“I’m not asking you to pick up forty hours a week.” She plops a wooden spoon onto the pile of kitchen tools on the counter. “Just an hour helping out a nice elderly neighbor and fifteen euros for your trouble.”
“Not the creepy old Finnish lady.” I wipe my dusty hands on my basketball shorts. “Does she even speak English?”
“Henry James Rollins,” Mom says.
I cringe. Why did Dad have to name me after some punk rock geezer?
Mom narrows her eyes at me from her nest of papers. “Be nice! Mrs. Lönnrot speaks English as well as you do.”
“Oh come on, Lawn-rot? Even her name creeps me out!”
“It’s a very old, non-creepy Finnish name,” she says, her eyes giving me the familiar you’re-one-nudge-from-fouling-out stare.
“Have you ever seen her in the sunlight? Maybe she’s a vampire. No, no, I’ve got it—an evil enchantress!” I shudder dramatically.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this. You give a good introduction to the setting: boy and his mom move to Finland. Boy has to mow lawn for an old woman he finds creepy.
ReplyDeleteI think the word gazillion might be distracting. You might even give a number: 45 white cardboard boxes.
Might want to reduce the number of exclamation points. If you google in quote marks "for every exclamation point" you will see that it is pretty agreed upon that they need to be very rare in a manuscript.
Thank you for catching the exclamation points!!! (<--see what I did there?) But in all seriousness, that's just one of those things where I've read this first page so many times that my eyes glazed right over them.
DeleteThis is a good beginning. I'm already curious about Mrs. Lonnrot, knowing that something interesting will come from Hen working for her. I agree that the exclamation points may be overdone. The excitement and energy of the conversation is apparent without using so many.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much!
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ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting opening. I like the word gazillion because I think kids think in exaggerated terms like that. I guess my only question would be what the conflict will be. He has to mow lawns for a woman he does not like. That sounds pretty normal and true to life, but it doesn't pull me in to read more. The fact that he jokes about her being something supernatural seems like exactly that - a joke. If there is something truly strange and creepy about the woman, I'd like to get a sense of that.
ReplyDeleteotherwise I think your voice is strong and the dialogue reads very real. Nice job.
I promise you find out just how odd Lonrott is by the end of the first 500 :) Thanks for your comments--I appreciate them!
DeleteThis is an interesting opening. I like the word gazillion because I think kids think in exaggerated terms like that. I guess my only question would be what the conflict will be. He has to mow lawns for a woman he does not like. That sounds pretty normal and true to life, but it doesn't pull me in to read more. The fact that he jokes about her being something supernatural seems like exactly that - a joke. If there is something truly strange and creepy about the woman, I'd like to get a sense of that.
ReplyDeleteotherwise I think your voice is strong and the dialogue reads very real. Nice job.
I like the dialogue. I'm not fond of first person present because it is limiting to your voice. There is a lack of urgency in what is happening (no threat of death or dismemberment) so to me Fppt isn't the right choice but that is totally my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments! I know some people have strong feelings about first person, but it's definitely how the story flowed for me, so I went with it :)
DeleteI really like the first paragraph. The voice is very clear and realistic to me. The dialog between Hen and is mother flows naturally, as does his feelings about moving and now having a job. My only comment is that if there is really something creepy about the lady to give a definite clue. I'm not sure whether to take Hen seriously or not. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteUgh, I tried so hard to get the clues to fit in the first 250 and they just don't. There's literally more in the next sentence (and even more in the first 500 words). I totally hear you--getting this to sound like fantasy from the first chapter has been a real challenge for me!
DeleteNice voice! It is so difficult to fit a lot of information into the first 250 words without telling, but you've done a great job of showing us a lot about Henry, his relationship with his mom, and the setting. You've also given us a hint that the creepy old Finnish lady is part of what makes the story fantasy. Hooray to you for squeezing all of that into so few words!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! I appreciate your comments :)
DeleteAs already stated in previous comments, the voice is wonderful in this first page. I feel like I know this kid (like he's one of mine!). Your pacing is also fantastic and will appeal to your audience, I think. I reached the end of the passage and definitely wanted more (one of those times where the end came too soon because I was not ready to leave the story yet). I do wonder about slicing open the box. For whatever reason, that made me pause. Not because a kid has a box opener, but because I didn't know whether to visualize a box cutter or a knife--either would show a little more about this family.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing: I am not sure about "funky-modern" in terms of the kitchen simply because I think that adults pay more attention to styles than kids do. I wonder if you might describe something in the kitchen or some part of its layout to show this funky-modern style. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!!
Thanks so much! Very helpful :) I've actually been going round and round about the knife vs box cutter and had a whole mini-scene where Henry argued for being old enough for the box-cutter, but it ultimately got cut. May have to reinsert a little hint about this though...And you're right about funky-modern--so hard to set the scene in a way authentic to how 10yo boys notice (or, more realistically, don't notice!) the world :)
DeleteI enjoyed the second half of your opening better than the first. Keep in mind that moving is such a common story set up that it's important to approach this kind of story in a particularly compelling way. I'm not sure that unpacking the kitchen is that way. Considering how foreign Finland feels to Henry, and that this is fantasy, can you place him in another piece of this setting and show us his perspective?
ReplyDeleteFor instance, maybe he's standing in the yard, maybe in a tree, maybe on a hill, and he's looking over a land that feels alien to him. He sees other people, can even hear them, but he doesn't understand them. Even the smells of food coming from other homes don't smell "normal" to him. This could start to set up a feeling of other-worldliness in your story (which introduces the idea of fantasy), and I suspect it will better place the reader in Henry's mind. (Maybe he was spying on Mrs. Lonrrot, even, without realizing it.)
Keep pushing yourself!