TITLE: Aubrey and The Forest of Clementville
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy/Adventure
Aubrey sat on the wooden floor in just his red plaid PJ bootoms. Dangling from his neck were his father's dog tags and gold cross. The ones he was given a few years ago. He looked around at the moving boxes scattered around his room checking the marker writing on them. He was trying to locate one particular box. He saw ones marked toy, comics, baseball stuff and then the one with his name and a big heart and star on it. Getting up he picked up the box and took it to his bed. Opening it he rummaged throught until he found a small rosewood box he was given years before. Slowly opening it, he removed a picture of his Dad and himself on his father's shoulders. Beneath the photo were the medals that Dad was awarded, a Purple Heart and Bronze Star. He loved to look at the picture, the medals and remember his Dad. Picking up the photo again, he was taken over by sadness. He had beeen told that his father had been on heck of soldier and had thought of others before himself. He was a hero, saving the lives of the men in his unit. Aubrey still didn't understand that. All he knew was he needed him now and he wasn't around anymore.
As his fist tightened around the wooden box, the rising sun rays peered throught his bedroom window in the aprartment he and his mother had in the city.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Thank you for sharing this! I'm sure you've already seen 'bootoms', which should be 'bottoms', in the first sentence. I would take out the 'just' in that sentence, too. Perhaps you could place a comma or a dash after 'cross' leading into 'the ones...'. A comma between 'room' and 'checking' in the next sentence would be nice. You could put a comma after 'Opening it' and change 'throught' to through. 'Opening it' appears twice in two sentences. Perhaps one could be stated in another way? 'Beeen' should be 'been' - just a typo there. Is 'on heck of soldier' meant to say 'one heck of a soldier'? My heart already goes out to Aubrey. I'd be interested to see what happens next. Mainly, at this point, checking for typos and spelling errors might be a good goal.
ReplyDeleteI glad you liked it and was interested in see what happens to Aubrey. I do apologize for the multi typos. I had to type my entry as in would not paste. It is obvious my typing skills need refreshing.
DeleteThank you for sharing this! I'm sure you've already seen 'bootoms', which should be 'bottoms', in the first sentence. I would take out the 'just' in that sentence, too. Perhaps you could place a comma or a dash after 'cross' leading into 'the ones...'. A comma between 'room' and 'checking' in the next sentence would be nice. You could put a comma after 'Opening it' and change 'throught' to through. 'Opening it' appears twice in two sentences. Perhaps one could be stated in another way? 'Beeen' should be 'been' - just a typo there. Is 'on heck of soldier' meant to say 'one heck of a soldier'? My heart already goes out to Aubrey. I'd be interested to see what happens next. Mainly, at this point, checking for typos and spelling errors might be a good goal.
ReplyDeleteTry and keep your paragraphs to 4 lines, 4 1/2 at most. Read aloud to yourself and you'll catch the bits you don't see--typo's and such.
ReplyDeleteTry putting your character with another person and having him verbalize the thoughts. When you're in line at the store, who catches your attention--the guy standing quietly alone, or two people talking, or even two people whispering and looking around?
Thank you for review my work. I appreciate your critique, especially the length of my opening paragraph. I was not aware it should be only 4 – 4 ½ lines. I intend to take your ideas to improve my work.
DeleteYou've picked an important theme to write about, so keep at it. And always check for typos before sending your work off. Often the revising stage is where you find the subtle things that can make your story shine. I hope you continue to develop this story.
ReplyDeleteI like the emotion in here. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteBe careful with stage directions! He looked around; Opening it; Slowly opening it, etc. Eliminating most of these will help smooth this out.
Keep refining!
I appreciate you taking the time to review my entry and all the others. This is my first time entering the contest and I have learned a lot from the critiques, not just mine but from other entries. As suggested I will continue to refine my work.
DeleteI'm afraid I had trouble getting into this opening because I got caught on the first word. I've never seen Aubrey used as a man's name and was very confused as a result. It took three readings to figure out that "Aubrey" and "he" referred to the same person.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to critique my entry. Sorry for your confusion with the name Aubrey. The name Aubrey is more traditionally a male’s name and has been for centuries. In recent years it seems that more and more females are given the name. There are currently a few males that have it, as Aubrey Huff, a baseball player/broadcaster or the singer Drake whose first name is really Aubrey. However, the most important reason I used the name was that it belong to a man I’ve admired the most in my life, my father.
DeleteYour MC's emotion for his father pulls me in right away. It sounds like you've picked a really important topic to include in your story, a soldier's son growing up without a dad. Kudos for taking that on!
ReplyDeleteWhile he's looking for boxes, what about having him get up and rifle through them or open tops. you'd get more action in your story that way, and the things he saw and dismissed might be a bit more personal, tell us a little more about your mc.
Good luck with your story, and thanks for your comments!
Rebecca (#2)
Your MC's emotion for his father pulls me in right away. It sounds like you've picked a really important topic to include in your story, a soldier's son growing up without a dad. Kudos for taking that on!
ReplyDeleteWhile he's looking for boxes, what about having him get up and rifle through them or open tops. you'd get more action in your story that way, and the things he saw and dismissed might be a bit more personal, tell us a little more about your mc.
Good luck with your story, and thanks for your comments!
Rebecca (#2)