TITLE: ARTHUR AND THE HEADLESS KNIGHTS OF THE FLYING ROUND TABLE
GENRE: Middle grade Arthurian retelling
Stale sweat inside the executioner’s mask soured my nostrils, forcing me to breathe through clenched teeth. It stank, and so did Fay for making me wear this musty hood backward to keep her precious tunnel secret.
Rats squealed, drowning the trickling of water down slippery walls, as Fay jockeyed me through yet another puddle. They must have recognized her, because they scurried away faster than a fox leaving a henhouse with takeout.
A rumored shortage of rat tails, the key ingredient for spell-casting in my half-sister’s also-rumored magic practice, kept Camelot’s rodent community on high alert.
Inspired by blindness, I sang, “Three blind mice . . . see how they—ouch.” Fay’s elbow ribbed my dream of becoming a minstrel.
I rubbed my side. “Why drag me along?”
“To keep whatever’s stealing teenage girls from their beds at night from catching me.”
Goose bumpers. Collywobbles swamped my stomach as I remembered the haunting scream from the Stonemason’s wife upon waking to find her daughter missing yesterday. “But you’re not in bed. You should be safe.”
“Not if I’m hunting it, I’m not.”
I yanked off my makeshift blindfold. “How can I stop it from catching you without a sword?”
She ruffled my hair. “No worries. I’m a faster runner than you. Besides, you’re madder than a bag of ferrets if you think I’d let you wave a sharp object around in the dark.”
Horse apples! Hoodwinked into missing Saturday Night Juggling to become beast bait. I debated leaving, but recent chivalry lessons on Damsels in Distress dictated I stayed.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love your way with language! May want to reword the first sentence so that we know he's wearing the mask-I assumed there was an executioner nearby. Since your MC is blindfolded, may want to make it clear that he/she hears the rats scurry away. This sounds like a great retelling! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of retelling the story from a kid's point of view. Introducing the kidnapping early gets the reader invested in their success.
ReplyDeleteI don't get into fantasy too much, but there is a lot of potential here.
You may want to flip the use of "hood" and "executioner's mask". That way at first we would realize he is wearing a hood and later know it is the executioner's mask.
Interesting beginning. I was initially confused about the mask, but that cleared itself up pretty quickly.
ReplyDeleteLike the voice. Light, entertaining. But how does he see the walls and such if he's not peaking out? Collywobble--hilarious :D
ReplyDeleteI agree about the mask. The first sentence is a mouthful, so maybe just calling it a mask would be better.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your title.:) Fun read.
This sounds like a really fun story! I like the idea of a young witch and her brother, a not-to-successful knight-in-training working together!
ReplyDeleteI don't know about the executioner's mask. I definitely see what people mean about it making it seem like he's about to chop someone's head off, but It definitely gives you a clear visual right away and it starts the tension off why. What does it say about these two that an executioners' mask was close at hand? Maybe just make it clear sooner that he's not an executioner.
I think "also-rumored" is a little clunky, but I'd keep reading. Best of luck with this story!
This sounds like a really fun story! I like the idea of a young witch and her brother, a not-to-successful knight-in-training working together!
ReplyDeleteI don't know about the executioner's mask. I definitely see what people mean about it making it seem like he's about to chop someone's head off, but It definitely gives you a clear visual right away and it starts the tension off why. What does it say about these two that an executioners' mask was close at hand? Maybe just make it clear sooner that he's not an executioner.
I think "also-rumored" is a little clunky, but I'd keep reading. Best of luck with this story!
This was good fun to read, and I would definitely keep reading. Two minor things:
ReplyDelete1. "They must have recognized her, because they scurried away faster than a fox leaving a henhouse with takeout." -- this metaphor sticks out like a sore thumb. You don't need it.
2. I sometimes had a difficult time discerning who was speaking. You might add a few more he said/she said.
Wonderful tone and humor! Consider paring down some of the details and letting the reader know from the get go that Fay is also in the scene.
ReplyDeleteGood opening scene and voice. I agree that the executioner's mask is confusing because the reader assumes there's going to be an execution. Also, "takeout" is a modern term that wouldn't exist in the days of King Arthur.
ReplyDeleteFun opening. Like others have mentioned, I might clarify the opening sentence as it is literally the first connection with the reader. When you say, "Stale sweat inside the executioner’s..." I pictured an executionor wearing the mask not the MC. Maybe "Stale sweat inside the executioner-style mask soured ..." That may be a bit clunky, but I think we need to be sure what the scenario is. Overall, very nice and intriguing!
ReplyDeleteFun opening. Like others have mentioned, I might clarify the opening sentence as it is literally the first connection with the reader. When you say, "Stale sweat inside the executioner’s..." I pictured an executionor wearing the mask not the MC. Maybe "Stale sweat inside the executioner-style mask soured ..." That may be a bit clunky, but I think we need to be sure what the scenario is. Overall, very nice and intriguing!
ReplyDelete