TITLE: A Sexuality
GENRE: YA romance
Patrick Johns worked twelve stinking hours in broken air-conditioning while wearing a tampon shirt.
A tampon shirt.
When his boss Gary barked at him to go home, he told Patrick, quote/unquote: “Don’t worry, Paddy. Ya get to wear the shirt next time as well!”
Patrick looked at Gary like Gary should explode. Or the shirt. Either way.
‘The shirt’—a hot pink polo—featured an enlarged picture of an unwrapped tampon on the back.
To advertise feminine hygiene products to customers seeking fuel.
Patrick was certain they’d never actually stocked tampons at the garage shop.
But Gary’s life and business partner, Yvonne, had acquired a marketing diploma from a suspect institution—with the help of a discount off a shopper-docket—and assumed she was now equipped to market crap. The tampon shirt was Phase 1.
The bloody shirt was two sizes too small for Patrick. He had to keep yanking it down to cover his hairy stomach. He did not appreciate the volume of giggles from the giggling girls this morning. Today, he even got giggles from the school boys.
And as the sun’d risen higher, the heat of the day had slammed into him through the towering shop windows, turning the synthetic shirt into something like a giant leech. It made a slow thwick sound each time he peeled it off his sweaty skin.
People stared. Some fell onto shop items, in hysterics.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You've definitely got a well written sarcastic voice and a funny set-up with the shirt and all of the shenanigans involved with it. The only thing that confuses me is why he seemed to have worn the shirt to school, before work, especially since he finds it so humiliating? I also like the play on words in the title. My interest is peaked. Why is this kid working 12 hours a day at a job he hates?
ReplyDeleteVoice is strong in this piece. I'm also confused by the mention of giggling girls and school boys. It pulled me out of the garage shop and made me question the setting. Other than that, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteVERY bold narrative choice. While I'm definitely more than intrigued and fascinated with the character and his voice now, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep up with this snarkiness for the entirety of the book.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about bold, it was gross and offensive to me. I think it was written to shock and to draw attention, and I don't like it. The writing is fine, the subject offensive
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI will politely disagree with Julie. I think the subject is hilarious I was smiling from the first line. teenage boy wearing a tampon shirt? Magnificently mortifying. Teen nightmare. I am so in. That being said, I don't think it needed to go on for the entire page. I loved it but it started to drag a little especially with the changing of setting as some of the others mentioned. Around where it says fuel in italics is where I got confused, please explain fuel, is this the garage shop? Also unless he is British I wouldn't say bloody, especially not in the same breath as tampon... but that just might be a me preference. I would keep reading to see if the rest of the book is as funny as the first few lines... Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAlso... A Sexuality that's a YA Romance? If I was an agent I would request pages just so I could understand!! Fantastic way to peak my interest.
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone. I've really enjoyed your feedback; you've been invaluable!
ReplyDeleteSince some of you asked, Patrick is 19, and he works at a petrol station. The school kids pass through each morning on their way to school. I will endeavour to make these things clearer, and to work on the other aspects that didn't gel for all.
Yes, it most certainly is a YA Romance about asexuality, or rather 'a sexuality' (label to be determined) -- and I'm so chuffed you put these things together and noticed! I was unsure of the title as I didn't think anyone would get it. Ha! So glad to be wrong.
Also -- no, not British. Instead Australian, and bloody is a common word. Uh, never thought about it in relation to the content of the shirt, oops! So thank you!
ReplyDeleteThat was what got me. I think they're entirely different things here. :D
DeleteOh right! In Australia, 'bloody' is regularly used as a soft swear word; when used in this way, it doesn't retain it's original (literal) meaning. It just means something is stupid or annoying or irritating. Thanks so much for pointing it out. I added the word moments prior to submitting this so I imagine that's why it slipped my eye. Ah, the importance of a second pair of eyes...
Delete*its original (that should read)
DeleteAs for the comment about this being offensive, thank you. I will think carefully on this, as I do with all themes in my story, to ensure I handle them well and with care.
ReplyDeleteAs for this particular scene and the themes contained within: Patrick does not actually care too much that the shirt features a tampon (having raised a sister and been somewhat raised by a single mum, he regards menstruation as normal and nothing to be ashamed about). What bugs him most is that they don't stock those products in the shop and that the shirt is too small (and that everyone else finds the picture funny: he does not like people looking at him or his body, and unfortunately, he tends to get that often anyway, so the shirt makes that worse). My intention was not to shock with this scene. My intent was to paint a picture of a young male who would do anything for his family, to ensure they are fed and clothed. He has a history of enduring indignities for his family; this is me showcasing the latest one, to introduce a character and his conflicts.
This certainly pulls the reader in -- if for the absurdity of it! I wonder if the shirt being the wrong size takes this a step too far. Would Yvonne really approve? And is it problematic on a variety of levels to have an employee wearing a shirt that exposes parts of his body that are meant to be covered? How does this look good on the business? My feeling is that the absurdity of the T-shirt is enough and this ill fitting shirt takes it to unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteAlso, how old is Patrick? The voice doesn't strike me as YA, and I wonder if you really have an adult novel in this?
Overall, though, nice writing.
Excellent points and advice! Many thanks!
Delete