TITLE: Arrano
GENRE: YA Fantasy
My head was a mute confusion, the fear like a candle flame about to ignite an inferno. Blood pounded in my ears, and my lungs felt as if they’d been lassoed with chains. I had hours before my transition, so why did I feel like it was me about to go through the torture of the marrow in my bones disintegrating? I thought of Nelson and then Dash and everyone else in the house. I had to watch them all go through it first, making the anticipation for my own change like a slow pour of lava down my throat into my chest. I didn’t want to be alone at the end. What if I couldn’t get through it all by myself?
I looked up at the skylight in the ceiling, the panes of glass more than twenty feet wide. My parents had built it years ago, allowing us to fly up and away into the sky after our transition. It was an escape hatch of sorts, but there was never a true escape from who we were.
At sunset my bones would hollow out, leaving my body light enough for flight. Feathers would cover every inch of my skin, and I would sprout wings in place of arms. I would become an Arrano eagle.
I stared at the clear blue sky, its beauty lost in what awaited me. What awaited all of us.
I pushed the coffee table against the wall and shoved the couch back. The shag rug wasn’t soft enough.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This passage is well written, but its all introspective. Nothing really happens until the speaker pushes the coffee table against the wall. I don't get a clear picture of the protagonist, only that they are anxious about an initiation.
ReplyDeleteI am curious about what awaits the protagonist. Curious why he/she doesn't call out for someone since he/she doesn't want to transition alone. I'd keep reading to find out more.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what she/he is except and eagle. And as boring as I may sound I like to know if my protag is a boy or a girl. The first paragraph is pretty words but a bit thick on words and thin on anything but all the feels.
ReplyDeleteI liked the rest tons better. That had voice.
I'm intrigued. I'd keep reading. It's a bold opening, but my only concern with openings that are as promising and bold as these is that they are often incapable of carrying me (a reader) all the way through. Can you keep up with this boldness? Can you soar through the literary expectations and take me to the heights I never dreamed of achieving? If you can, then you have me hooked. If not, I WILL stop reading this the moment the boldness is lost. Because you;ve set high expectations...From these few sentences on I trust you'd set up action worth reading.
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely great potential here and for the most part I liked what I read. The first paragraph is what I think needs some work. From the first line I am confused. "My head was a mute confusion," I don't know what that means and it takes me out of the story before I've even started it. It's interesting but you already have interesting metaphors that work better also the first paragraph speaks to his anxiety but then he tells his back story with a much calmer tone. I almost wish you had started the story with the second paragraph, Looking up at the skylight feels interesting and puts us right on the verge that something might happen, I tend to want to know who my character is and where he is before I want to know how he/she's feeling, but if you can tell me those things and how that person is feeling at the same time, that's the jack pot. I hope this helps!!
ReplyDeleteIt is an interesting premise but I found the first paragraph a little confusing too. It's hard to engage with as we don't know the narrator yet. I agree with the comment above that opening with the second paragraph instead could work very very well.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning of this totally threw me. Being plunged into the middle of an intense sequence like that with absolutely no context is really jarring, and honestly can make some readers go "Who cares?" I don't think this is a good place to start, simply because of that.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as I kept reading, I became really intrigued with your story! At first I thought "Oh, 'transition'... this must be one of those dragon books or something" so when you started talking about feathers, I thought "Okay, not dragons, then... angels" (because, you know, that's what's "in" right now), so I was pleasantly surprised when I found out it was a bird transition--way to keep it original!! That's very unique and the concept intrigues me! I would keep reading after that!
Like I said, I'd change the beginning though. We want a hook, yes, but too much intensity can be as bad as too little.
I like where this is headed, a true fantasy. I want to read more, but I’d suggest that you rearrange your sentences to make the writing tighter and easier to understand. Starting with something like this…
ReplyDeleteI stared at the clear blue sky through the skylight in the ceiling, the panes of glass more than twenty feet wide. My parents built it years ago, its beauty lost in what awaited me. What awaited us all.
And ending with something like this…
The skylight was an escape hatch of sorts, allowing us to fly up and away into the sky after our transition, but there was never a true escape from who we were.
At sunset my bones would hollow out, leaving my body light enough for flight. Feathers would cover every inch of my skin, and I would sprout wings in place of arms. I would become an Arrano eagle.
Good luck!
This is certainly an intriguing premise! You reveal to the reader so suddenly, though, what is to come that you lose the tension. Slow down, build to the reveal. Also, you can afford to pare back on your figurative language. This is in your first paragraph:
ReplyDeletelike a candle flame about to ignite an inferno.
as if they’d been lassoed with chains.
like a slow pour of lava down my throat into my chest.
Keep refining!