TITLE: The Magician's Daughter
GENRE: Adult - Historical Mystery
Not many women are magicians in 1870s Europe, but that doesn’t stop Valentina, until her father, the greatest magician in all of Europe, is murdered onstage. Valentina abandons her dreams in order to find his killer and soon becomes entangled in an underground society of performers who are more than they seem, and might be the death of her too.
The custard of the small fruit tart jiggled with the rumbling of the train. I was hypnotized by its slight vibration, if only to distract myself from what I soon faced. The tranquility of my private carriage lulled me into a moment of calm. I lit the small candle poking from the tart’s middle and closed my eyes.
“Happy birthday, Mama.” The flame extinguished before I could blow it out. I didn’t have to turn around to know he stood in the doorway, though he made no sound. Sterling Caindale was, after all, the greatest magician in Europe.
“Are you prepared for tomorrow?” His English accent sounded like home.
“I’ve practiced the acts so many times I could perform them with my eyes closed.”
“Good girl.” He smiled, his wrinkles deepened and that familiar inkling of sadness flashed in his eyes.
“I’ve a gift for you,” he said, producing a small red flower between his fingers. The instant my fingertips brushed against its stem, the flower disappeared, and in its place, hung a gold necklace with a simple red pendant.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Father.” His eyes twinkled with appreciation.
I knew nothing of my real father. Mama died when I was six, and took with her that bit of information. Sterling Caindale was the only father I ever knew. As a child, I rarely left his side. When the Great Sterling Caindale came to town with his show, you could be sure his apprentice, Valentina Gianetti, would be in tow.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hey, I enjoyed reading this one. I always like a bit of magic and history. More detailed thoughts below. Georgiana (author of Checks and Balances, No. 22)
ReplyDeleteThings I liked:
• The magic trick with the flower and the pendant. It set up a real sense of wonder
• “if only to distract myself from what I soon faced,” gives a clear indication of tension and drama right from the start
• The relationship between the narrator and the magician
• The magician feels like an intriguing character
Thing I thought could be improved:
• I didn’t like the initial focus on the tart. It felt like a bit of a random element. The wobbling custard seemed like a weirdly humourous description in an otherwise serious and emotional scene.
• Two uses of the word “small” in the first paragraph. Probably best to use a different adjective for either the tart or the candle
• “I was hypnotized by its slight vibration, if only to distract myself from what I soon faced.” Despite saying above that I liked the second half of that sentence, I don’t think it works well with the first half. “hypnotised” suggests her fascination with the tart is involuntary, “to distract myself” sounds like it’s deliberate.
• The last paragraph (about her family arrangements) raises some interesting questions, but feels a bit too much like an info dump. The blowing out the candle neatly suggests a much loved “mama” who is no longer around, the “she died when I was six” bit doesn’t need spelling out. And I think it might be better if the fact that the magician isn’t her real father comes out a bit more gradually and naturally.
This is an intriguing pitch, and I've always loved mysteries that start on a train. (Cue "Trains" by Jill Sobule.) However, to me there's a lot more backstory a/k/a info dump than I need right now. If you're trying to write in the style of 1880s stories, that might work, but the writing feels more modern - the custard, etc.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you cut out some of this stuff:
=============
The custard of the small fruit tart jiggled with the rumbling of the train. I was hypnotized by its slight vibration [cuts]. The tranquility of my private carriage lulled me into a moment of calm. I lit the small candle poking from the tart’s middle and closed my eyes.
“Happy birthday, Mama.” The flame extinguished before I could blow it out. I didn’t have to turn around to know he stood in the doorway [cuts].
“Are you prepared for tomorrow?” His English accent sounded like home.
“I’ve practiced so many times I could perform with my eyes closed.” [internal cuts]
“Good girl.” He smiled, his wrinkles deepened and that familiar inkling of sadness flashed in his eyes.
“I’ve a gift for you,” he said, producing a small red flower between his fingers. The instant my fingertips brushed against its stem, the flower disappeared, and in its place, hung a gold necklace with a simple red pendant.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Father.” The eyes of the only father I'd ever known twinkled with appreciation. [cut and rearranged]
==============
Something like this might deepen the mystery. Who is this man? What is she performing? I might want the answer to these questions... which of course makes me read on. Right now, I'm not sure what question drives the scene.
All that said, the writing is interesting and the plot description offers enormous possibilities. This could grow into a wonderful story. (And I hope for symmetry it ends on a train....)
I really like the premise of this and think there's a lot of potential for an historical mystery with illusionists and a female narrator. This is one I would overlook some bumps to read more because it hits a couple of my sweet spots.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I was very confused by the second paragraph. Who is she calling Mama? Is the tart for her mother? Or is a son/daughter wishing her happy birthday? (But it seems no one else is there.) Then a man turns up--is he the one saying happy birthday? I'd also prefer "I didn’t have to turn around to know Sterling Caindale stood in the doorway, though he made no sound. He was, after all, the greatest magician in Europe."
I also don't know if I like starting with the description of the custard. I'd rather more scene setting on the train--I love the grandeur of long transcontinental European train trips--and then extra detail about the magic trick Sterling performs. With a historical setting, you can get into more detail and description, just don't slow the pace too much.
Like the voice here, and I’m already getting a strong sense of the character.
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences were a little awkward. I wonder if you can just dump “of the small fruit tart” and just say the custard on the tray jiggled… I don’t think we need the detail. It’s just distracting. Also, the second sentence is passive: “I was hypnotized” instead of “It’s slight vibration hypnotized me...”
Another small issue is the part “I didn’t have to turn around to know he stood in the doorway, though he made no sound.” That makes me picture her not looking at him while she talks. So then, when you say “He smiled, his wrinkles deepened and …” it throws me because I thought she wasn’t looking at him. You might want to put something in between these two lines to show that she’s turned to watch him.
Finally, this sentence is a bit awkward “The instant my fingertips brushed against its stem, the flower disappeared, and in its place, hung a gold necklace with a simple red pendant.” Maybe break it into two?
All small edits that will just make the entry stronger. Overall, it looks really good.
Best of luck to you!
Like the voice here, and I’m already getting a strong sense of the character.
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences were a little awkward. I wonder if you can just dump “of the small fruit tart” and just say the custard on the tray jiggled… I don’t think we need the detail. It’s just distracting. Also, the second sentence is passive: “I was hypnotized” instead of “It’s slight vibration hypnotized me...”
Another small issue is the part “I didn’t have to turn around to know he stood in the doorway, though he made no sound.” That makes me picture her not looking at him while she talks. So then, when you say “He smiled, his wrinkles deepened and …” it throws me because I thought she wasn’t looking at him. You might want to put something in between these two lines to show that she’s turned to watch him.
Finally, this sentence is a bit awkward “The instant my fingertips brushed against its stem, the flower disappeared, and in its place, hung a gold necklace with a simple red pendant.” Maybe break it into two?
All small edits that will just make the entry stronger. Overall, it looks really good.
Best of luck to you!
I love magic and magicians and trains, so you have a great combination with this scene and your story idea sounds interesting. However, I would love to see a stronger opening line. This beginning excerpt seems has too much of a backstory. You have great premise, but spread the juice out throughout the MS. I was more intrigued with the loglines and I like to see the onstage murder as the opening or definitely more action.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions/Things to Ponder:
Consider a stronger opening line.
Add visual elements to the scene - smells, tastes, lightness, darkness - I want to be there.
Remove all the backstory and allow the character to reveal bits along the way through action.
I would suggest showing and not telling with the writing. - Check out the Emotion Thesaurus!
How is Sterling the greatest magician? According to who?
Maybe the gift could express some meaning behind it. It seemed not as important when it was received, just that somehow she reflects that he isn't her real father.
Good luck!!
Hi, intrigued by the setting and premise for your story! Since others have already commented on the content of your opening, you might end up changing it altogether, but if not, here are some technical notes of small things I'd fix:
ReplyDelete"what I soon faced" doesn't strike me right, grammatically. "would soon face" might be clearer.
I think "extinguish" is mostly used as a transitive verb, you might need to change it out for "blew out" or something else.
also, you can do without the commas in the phrases: "in its place, hung" and "six, and took" -- you might even want to change that to "six, taking..."
Good luck! I see you've already got an editor's eye!
I don't like magic and magicians (don't hate me!), but I *do* like this enough to want to read more. :) I'd probably cut to the chase and take that lovely imagery of the first paragraph and move it elsewhere. Thus, I'd start with: “Happy birthday, Mama.” etc.
ReplyDeleteI immediately had visuals from black and white movies reading this, which was lovely! I also really enjoyed the flower turning into a necklace. Very cool image there.
Finally, regarding Sterling -- I would like more showing and less telling there. Maybe a slight bit about him not being her birth father -- but in a tease so that later on, we learn why (which I'm sure we do!)
Great start!
Hi
ReplyDeleteNice writing, but it doesn't pull me in. Partly, I think, it's because I don't need to know her loss first. I want to know what's happening to her now.
I agree with the points the first poster (georgiana) gave.
I also think
'He smiled, his wrinkles deepened and that familiar inkling of sadness flashed in his eyes.'
would be much stronger as
'He smiled; his wrinkles deepened with that familiar inkling of sadness in his eyes.'
i.e. without the 'flash'
(Note the comma change--which could be fixed in other ways too)
I also wonder, as his apprentice, would she see something else in his flower trick besides the sleight of hand?
Lastly, the second last paragraph has the MC speaking and the father's reaction together--I wondered if 'his' was supposed to be 'her'
I assume something happens on the train (otherwise why start there), is there a hint buried in the text about it? Just curious. Because, after reading the intro text, I thought it was going to start just before his final show.
Anyway, I hope you have a happy Tuesday next week:)
Very nice logline and very nice opening. This is one I want to read more of.
ReplyDeleteUnlike some of the other commenters, I really liked the image of the custard in the opening paragraph. It's one of those unexpected details that can lend authenticity to a story. The candle for her mother is also a nice way to sneak in a little backstory, although it did make me stop and wonder whether the custom of blowing out birthday candles had been established by the 1870s.
I agree with the other Rebecca's edits on "what I soon faced" and "the flame extinguished." I also agree with some of the other commenters that you could probably cut the last paragraph of this excerpt and bring out the backstory regarding Valentina's father later.
Still, this was very well done.
You have an interesting sounding premise, but the opening and log line strike me as awkward. I feel like I'm having to work too hard to figure out what's going on. Yes, I get it by reading on, but that doesn't lessen the confusion I have initially. Overall, I find it too distracting.
ReplyDeleteFor example: She's got a yummy tart but is uncomfortable, why? It's her mom's birthday but she's the blowing out the candle, why? Someone comes up behind her, I naturally assume it's her mom since she was just talking to/at her, but no. Then she gets a birthday gift in lieu of her mom receiving one? Then how does she know nothing of her real father when he's right in front of her interacting with her?
I'm struggling to keep up (maybe this is just me).
The last paragraph clears up some confusion, granted, but you have a really great idea here and I think you could do better. These are just a few humble suggestions from a fellow writer who's still learning the ropes herself, you can take them or leave them.
The log line would flow better with a small tweak like:
'When her father, the greatest magician of Victorian Europe, is murdered onstage, Valentina abandons her dream of learning the magician's trade to find his killer. Submerging herself into the notorious underground society of performers, she's all too soon over her head and quite possibly facing her own doom by men who are more than they seem.'
And another angle for your opening:
'The custard of the small fruit tart jiggled with the rumbling of the train. I was hypnotized by its slight vibration, it distract me from the importance of that day. The tranquility of my private carriage lulled me into a moment of calm. I lit the small candle poking from the tart’s middle and closed my eyes.
“Happy birthday, Mama. I wish you could be here.” Before I could blow it out, the flame extinguished beneath the small rush of air accompanying the opening of my carriage door. I didn’t have to turn around to know who silently stood in the doorway. It was Sterling Caindale, my father, and the greatest magician in Europe.
“Are you prepared for tomorrow?” His English accent sounded like home.
“I’ve practiced the acts so many times I could perform them with my eyes closed.”
“Good girl.” He smiled, deepening his wrinkles. A familiar inkling of sadness flashed in his eyes.
“I’ve a gift for you,” he said, producing a small red flower between his fingers. The instant my fingertips brushed against its stem, the flower disappeared, and in its place, hung a gold necklace with a simple red pendant.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Father.” I was pleased to see the sadness in his eyes replaced with the twinkle of appreciation.
Having known him my whole life, I still felt I knew nothing of my father. Mama died when I was six, and sometimes it felt as though a crucial piece of father died right along with her. The showman persona of Sterling Caindale was the only father I ever knew. As a child, I rarely left his side. When the Great Sterling Caindale came to town with his show, you could be sure his apprentice, Valentina Gianetti, would be in tow.'
Good luck!
This was a very easy read. I really enjoyed it. Your voice is fresh and the concept is unique. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe concept of the logline sounds interesting and fresh, but I really do not like the fact that she abandons her dreams. That spoils the story for me. Sorry! Heroes are supposed to be bigger than life. Maybe if she is harassed, forced to delay her dreams, that wouldn't sound so bad.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you get rid of "The custard of the small fruit tart jiggled with the rumbling of the train. I was hypnotized by its slight vibration, if only to distract myself from what I soon faced. The tranquility of my private carriage lulled me into a moment of calm." I think it's stronger to go right to the emotional arc. The last paragraph is important but sounds like a lot of info at this point. I would have liked to see more of the character arc developing here. Very nice premise though. I enjoyed the voice. Good luck!
I found your logline intriguing, and the opening scene drew me in. You set a great atmosphere on the train. The last paragraph seems to suggest you'll be falling into backstory, which might kill the tension if it's too extensive. But I'd be willing to turn the page, hoping it's just this bet.
ReplyDeleteHere are some nitpicks:
I think this sentence sounds better with a change of tense:
>I was hypnotized by its slight vibration, if only to distract myself from what I [would soon face].
I don't think you need the dialog tag here:
>“I’ve a gift for you.” [He produced] a small red flower between his fingers.
I would change paragraphs here so it doesn't seem like he is the one speaking:
>“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Father.”
>His eyes twinkled with appreciation.
Your logline and premise made me want to read this excerpt. I love the idea of a female magician, and then the added tension of Valentina trying to solve her father's mysterious death by delving deeper into that world sounds so intriguing.
ReplyDeleteLike others have already pointed out, the beginning was a little confusing at times, for example, when she says "Happy Birthday, Mama", but no other woman is with Valentina in her private carriage. And also, when Sterling comes in, it's not immediately clear what his relation to Valentina is, until later in the text.
By starting with the custard and the birthday wishes, you've made it impossible not to include a lot of backstory right off the bat. But what attracted most of us to your story was the magic... so maybe that's how you start? Food for thought.
The writing was very good and would keep me reading!
Good luck with this!
The logline definitely drew me in. The tart part was a little distracting, but you have a strong voice and an interesting premise.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely want to read on, from the logline and the first paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI agree that I found myself confused, however, in who was speaking, who was in the scene, and how they were related.
I think a dialogue tag line on "Happy Birthday, Mama," would help clarify things. Too, the fact she's referring to the man who is like a father to her--but who isn't her real father--but whom she calls 'Father,' was a bit of a jumble in that section.
I really liked: "His English accent sounded like home."
Love the pitch and the voice. Too funny, I liked the jiggling tart to show me the train was in motion. There is promise here, and many of the great suggestions above should be considered. Best of luck in the auction.
ReplyDelete