TITLE: Reverie West and the Oneironauts
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
After six lonely years living in Asylum Island’s rickety-crickety lighthouse with only her father for company, eleven-year-old Reverie West is more than ready to set sail with the five mysterious visitors who wash ashore one summer night. What she may not be ready for is their destination – Oneiros, home of dreams, nightmares, and Revi’s long-lost mother.
When the lighthouse on Asylum Island turned on, it had been one hundred and three days since Reverie West had seen anyone other than her father. Revi knew it had been that long because she kept track in one of her journals; the journal was entitled Human Contact or Lack Thereof: An Accounting of Days, and it was filled with dates and tally marks. Her record was two hundred and twenty-six days – forty-five hatch-marked sets and one lonely line. Some record.
Revi was all alone most of the time for at least two reasons. The first was quite simply that she lived on Asylum Island. Just a heap of rocks in the middle of the ocean, the island was surrounded by a notoriously treacherous reef that could smash the hull of a ship to smithereens. So, understandably, most ships avoided it.
If someone had really wanted to get to the island, there was a twisty-turny route through the reef’s sharp rocks and coral. But – and this was the second reason that Revi was all alone – no one did really want to get to Asylum Island.
As far as Revi could tell, no one even knew that she and her father had been living in the island’s lighthouse for the past six years. There was no reason anyone would know. The lighthouse's light had never turned on, and the lighthouse itself, a rusty monstrosity that tilted rather alarmingly to one side, was certainly no tourist attraction.
On particularly windy nights, Revi would lie awake listening to the metal joints creaking and groaning and think that if the whole thing happened to topple into the ocean, no one would notice.
At least that was what she thought until the night the lighthouse turned on.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a great opening. You've captured a sense of mood and place that really attracted me to want to know more about this island and about your character. I especially liked the hash marks as a portrayal of passage of time and the intense loneliness of Revi's existence on the island. I also like lighthouses, so eerie ones intrigue me. There's a wonderful classic feel here that pervades your writing. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteBut by far my favorite element of this passage is your very last line. It's a very powerful turn. A surprise! Or, it could be, if you hadn't already told us this secret at the beginning of your page. But I think this is an easy fix that could have a lot of impact.
Instead of this: "When the lighthouse on Asylum Island turned on, it had been one hundred and three days since Reverie West had seen anyone other than her father."
Try something like this: "It had been one hundred and three days since Reverie West had seen anyone other than her father.
Lucky agent: Come find me. I'd like to see more.
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ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing premise but some of the descriptions are watering down the excitement. Your opening line is strong. Keep that fortitude by advancing your story sooner. All your other details can be inserted later on, organically, and with more rationing. For example, the tallying part is effective but there's a bit too much of it. Tone it down so your reader feels the impact and visualizes the scene but in a shortened version.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of this girl being alone for all that time except for the company of her father will perk up your readers big time. You don't want to lose them by giving them too much back story too soon.
I wonder if your opening paragraphs would have more impact if you did not mention the lighthouse lighting up at the beginning and then left that line for the very end. If you stress how dark and eerie the surroundings are, it might pack a punch to show the light suddenly coming on after all those nights of darkness. Would it be more suspenseful to keep that part toward the end so the reader is drawn deeper into your story? Just a thought.
Very unique! I would continue to read your story. Good luck with it.
Very intriguing logline. I’d read on just from your tease there. I love the unusual name of your MC and that alone sets a stage for a different story.
ReplyDeleteI’d suggest trimming most of your unnecessary filter words. Your sentences are stronger without them. Also, I’d suggest using simple past verb tenses and eliminate the past perfect verbs. They’re not necessary.
ie: It was one hundred and three days since Reverie West saw anyone other than her father. Revi knew it was that long because she kept track in her journal titled, Human Contact or Lack Thereof: An Accounting of Days. Her record was two hundred and twenty-six days – forty-five hatch-marked sets and one lonely line. Some record.
I'm anxious to find out about the land of dreams and nightmares. Cool concept. Good luck! :)
Thrilling premise. I definitely want to read more. I want to know why they live in a broken lighthouse. Why haven't they fixed it in six years? I thought the whole purpose of a lighthouse keeper was to keep the light on. I'm wondering if in this world that is not the way it works since theirs mysteriously turns on by itself. Or is she saying her dad finally fixed it? I'm assuming the former, since that is more exciting.
ReplyDeleteYou could tighten the 2nd and 3rd paragraph into one because the 3rd is repetitive. (The hash tags tell us that she is alone with her father--skip to the why.) And the last line of the 3rd is a little awkward: no one did really want ...You could just put: no one did. In fact, you could cut them completely and add a descriptive line about the treacherous reef in the 4th. Just my opinion.
I like the voice. I do get a sense of her loneliness. I agree with the other comments that you should not open with the information that the light came on. The fact that she's finally going to see some other people is intriguing enough to draw us in.
Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteGreat beginning.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder about the opening line. It doesn't have impact because we don't realize it's the first time coming on until later. I like the first suggested change, but it might also work with 'finally turn on' so we have some sense of that fact that the event is special and not a regular occurrence.
I'm not sure "On particularly windy nights, Revi would lie awake listening" is correct given the sense of 'now' you've already created. I wonder if "Revi had lain awake" is better.
Love the hatch mark line.
I'm not sure about "did really want" I'd either make it "really wanted" to copy the earlier line or delete the 'really' -- I stumbled over it as it is
Nitpicky thing, but could "the hull of a ship" be "a ship's hull"?
Great job :)
I remember this story from the "first 250 words" entries a few weeks ago. There aren't many MG entries in the "On the Block" event - I'm glad to see this one here!
ReplyDeleteI liked your writing sample then, and I like it now. You've established the beginning of a wonderful dark, murky, story. I feel Revi's pull to get out of the lighthouse, to find her mother - and find out why she's there.
The second paragraph sounds a bit clunky to me. "Revi was all alone most of the time for at least two reasons." It would be more immediate, and I think powerful, if you just came out and state those reasons.Boom. Boom. Boom. You could still have the suggestion that there were even more than you're saying.
Absolutely love your last line - definitely want to know more.
I agree with A. Weiss' comment about altering the first sentence. It's punchier starting out with her merely stating she's been isolated for so long. I'd keep reading to find out why. Then I'd hungrily turn the page when I came to realize they were in a lighthouse that hadn't even been turned on every night. Two hooks are better than one!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
There's a lot I like about this excerpt, but there are several places where you're weakening the impact with a bit of overwriting because you're telling things that have already been shown.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, you don't need any of these lines:
'Some record.'
'So, understandably, most ships avoided it.'
'There was no reason anyone would know.'
Can you see how the information is still there if you cut those out, but it makes the writing much stronger?
I also agree with those who suggested that you leave the fact that the light turns on again to that last line, which is great. So you could use A. Weiss's suggestion for the first sentence ('It had been one hundred and three days since Reverie West had seen anyone other than her father.'), and then you could bring in the lighthouse by changing the second sentence in the second paragraph to: 'The first was that she lived in the lighthouse on Asylum Island.' (You don't need 'quite simply' either.)
I also agree that 'no one did really want' is a bit clunky; it would work fine to just say ''no one wanted to get to Asylum Island'. A couple of other spots you could tighten would be cutting 'rather' before 'alarmingly', and changing 'the whole thing happened to topple into the ocean' to 'the whole thing toppled into the ocean.'
I hope that's helpful and you can start to get a feel for how those small edits can make your writing pack more of a punch. I love the concept here and I think the logline is quite good.
Good luck! :)
This is just beautiful. Nice, crisp logline. You also get the sense of drama in the premise. Love it! No suggestion. Okay, just one: I was confused when she said the light did not turn on after having read the first sentence. I suggest, "When the lighthouse on Asylum Island turned on for the first time in years, ..."
ReplyDeleteI love this premise. You did a fantastic job of introducing us to Revi and her world. And then you left us wanting to know more. I'd love to read on. Great job and good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhy is it called Asylum Island? That sounds like an interesting story there too. I got a little confused with all the numbers in the first paragraph, although I understand the idea was to let the reader know she has been there a long time alone. Of course other random questions come to my mind...how do they survive if they are so isolated? (food, water, etc.) Also, I am curious when this story takes place, what year is it?
ReplyDeleteAnother thought, this sounds contradicting: "If someone had really wanted to get to the island, there was a twisty-turny route through the reef’s sharp rocks and coral. But – and this was the second reason that Revi was all alone – no one did really want to get to Asylum Island." Why did they really want to get there and why did no one really want to get there.
A note: you mention Asylum Island three times in this excerpt, not sure if that is necessary.
And last thought, I really liked this line, "On particularly windy nights, Revi would lie awake listening to the metal joints creaking and groaning and think that if the whole thing happened to topple into the ocean, no one would notice." If tweaked, it could be a great opening line.