TITLE: THE WILD
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Lukas escapes South-3 and vows to destroy the Regime, but doesn’t count on falling for runaway Nova, who wants to put it behind them. When they discover alien tech that only Lukas can decipher, they must risk losing each other, their memories and their lives to aid the Resistance.
For my sixteenth birthday my parents staged my death. It took months to plan, with Mom slowly pilfering pharmaceuticals from the infirmary and Dad quietly teaching me survival skills. When the time came, I was ready. I was blasted.
I was terrified.
We’d be killed if it went wrong. And the prospect of living alone in the Wild reeked. But staying wasn’t an option. Not one I could live with, anyway.
I finished my last lap, swallowed the little white pill that would induce vomiting and sank into the soft, green grass to wait.
“That time was unacceptable, Dawson.” Crane, my unit leader, glared down at me. “This isn’t nap time. Get up!” The rest of my unit was already in the training center for the next phase of our morning routine.
“I know. Sorry, sir. I’m not feeling well, sir.” The drug kicked in as if on cue and I sat up and heaved.
Crane kicked my boot. “Now that you’ve got that out of your system, you’ll be fine. Get to the training center.”
I stood, trying to obey, but vomited again. “I think I need the infirmary, sir.”
“I say what you need. Now get to the machine. Your vitamin shake will fix you right up.”
Just the mention of the shake made my body try to heave again. It was rank. “Maybe I’m having a reaction to the new protocols, sir.” A plausible excuse, we hoped.
Crane had a lot of pressure on him to get me to training.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great opening. Most WIP novels struggle with finding a good place to start. You have two of them in the first few hundred words, the one you chose and "I finished my last lap."
ReplyDeleteOne thing - "to the machine. Your vitamin shake will fix you up." isn't up to the standard of the rest of this. It feels like a mix of cheap SF cliche and an awkward attempt to tell us we're in a different world. We need neither; the beginning is very strong without these.
Good opener. It was something that made me wonder what came next immediately.
ReplyDeletewhere you say "I was blasted. I was terrified." I assume based on context that "blasted" is slang for something like excited or jazzed. However, since it is used so soon it throws me off as a reader since I'm still trying to get into the world and the character. Not a huge thing, but something I noticed.
Otherwise, I liked it. I thought that the MC is making great observations that show his character while still introducing the world in an organic way.
I liked this entry a lot. I want to know what the Wild is. I want to know why his parents are staging his death and I want to know why he can't stay. It all comes together with nice writing style to make me want to read on.
You don't find many SF stories that show character and plot, just mostly plot and cardboard characters. Yours is fleshed out nicely from the start.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: the first line, the hint of danger of the Wild, the realistic depiction of getting sick, Dawson's character as a jerk. A nice start!
What could use work: if this is set on another planet or another time period, show it. I didn't get much sense of it being high tech or setting. Just a few words would do it.
Your opening sentence is fantastic and pulled me in immediately. Your MC has great voice, and I want to know why he/she needs to leave. However, the sequence of events confuses me. He (?) says I was blasted, which made me think he'd been shot and was already dead. But then it sounds like you're describing the events leading up to the fake death. Perhaps blasted is a misleading word.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! Good luck.
I love your opening sentence, it had me hooked right away. I agree with the criticisms from the posts above, so I won't repeat it all. The only other thing I had to add was that the logline threw me:
ReplyDeleteLukas escapes South-3 and vows to destroy the Regime, but doesn’t count on falling for runaway Nova, who wants to put it behind them.
Nova wants to put what behind them?
Other than those bits, I really enjoyed your writing and would definitely continue reading. (D. Roosa)
I love your opening sentence, it had me hooked right away. I agree with the criticisms from the posts above, so I won't repeat it all. The only other thing I had to add was that the logline threw me:
ReplyDeleteLukas escapes South-3 and vows to destroy the Regime, but doesn’t count on falling for runaway Nova, who wants to put it behind them.
Nova wants to put what behind them?
Other than those bits, I really enjoyed your writing and would definitely continue reading. (D. Roosa)
- The logline confused me a bit. Is this a totalitarian government thing here? And what does alien tech have to do with losing their memories? And why would they help the resistance--I thought Nova didn't want to do that?
ReplyDelete- FANTASTIC first line!!!!!
- I have no comments about this first page. I was way too hooked into the world and the story to even think about what to critique! All around fantastic job.
I found this to be well written and engaging. My only suggestion would be to change the line, "We’d be killed if it went wrong. And the prospect of living alone in the Wild reeked. But staying wasn’t an option. Not one I could live with, anyway." to: 'The prospect of living alone in the Wild reeked, but staying wasn’t an option. Not one I could live with, anyway. Besides, we’d be killed if it went wrong.'
ReplyDeleteI think it comes off stronger to put the ultimate kill statement at the end instead of the beginning.
Other than that, good luck!
I have to be the dissenting opinion here and say that I think you needed to spend more time developing the character and actually showing why staying in his current situation isn't an option before you get to this scene. Starting right out with the character getting sick in this way is rather off-putting.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is certainly catchy, but then you need to go back and show us what Lukas's life is like. So I'd think this scene would come at the end of the first chapter, after we know just enough to understand why he's doing it -- or perhaps even at the beginning of the second chapter, with the first one ending at the moment when he commits himself to the ordeal and swallows the pill.
Also, when you use invented slang in SF (and this is something I've put a lot of thought into because I use it in one of my novels), you have to make sure that when you first introduce each term, you do it in a place where the context will make the meaning absolutely clear. Here, for instance, you're losing a lot of readers with 'blasted', since there's not enough to definitively show what that means to Lukas.
I do think the logline works fairly well, though I think you need a comma after 'memories', and I also think it might read better if you switched up the order at the end, to put the final emphasis on the stakes, i.e.. 'When they discover alien tech that only Lukas can decipher, to aid the Resistance they must risk losing each other, their memories, and their lives.'
Good luck! :)
In the logline, I understand that Nova does not want to have anything to do with the Regime, so why did she join the resistance? I'm not sure the heart of the story is the romance. The romance sounds more like a subplot. I'm not sure you should mention Nova at all, unless this is SF romance. What kind of regime is this? The premise also mentions he cannot stand the regime, but I have no idea why, so the stakes are weak, IMO. What will happen to him if he does not escape? Other than that, smooth beginning. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteWhat is this??? I ask that because I want to read it all :) I am not normally into space fantasy...but your opening line and the action thereafter got me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, your logline seems confusing to me in terms of plot.
Lukas escapes South-3 and vows to destroy the Regime, but doesn’t count on falling for runaway Nova, who wants to put it behind them [put what behind who?]. When they discover alien tech that only Lukas can decipher [why is alien tech important?], they must risk losing each other, their memories [does the alien tech take away memories?] and their lives to aid the Resistance.
Good luck and good writing!
Excellent opening line! Really got my attention. I really want to know why your MC needs to leave so suddenly. I think your logline might need some clarification, but other than that, I think you have a solid start.
ReplyDelete" And the prospect of living alone in the Wild reeked" Reeked seems like a strange word choice in this situation?
ReplyDeleteI think you've done a really good job at hooking the reader. A shocking scenario--parents staging their kids death.
Nice job!