TITLE: VANISHED
GENRE: YA - Thriller
Jewel thief Sasha stole a necklace from the grandmother of Luca D’Agnelli. Since then, Sasha has become friend with Luca on Facebook, under a fake name, and Sasha decides to return the necklace, whatever the consequences.
“I know who you are, Sasha Sarah Laurent Blake,” Luca said.
I nearly fell off the barstool.
“My grandmother and I followed your story with interest.” He took his hand back. My skin tingled where he’d touched me. “Aren’t you on probation?”
I nodded, heart pounding. “You’ll be calling the police?”
His eyes sparkled. “Let’s see what’s in the bag first.”
I lay the necklace on the granite. “Beautiful as ever.”
“Where’s it been?”
“On a European tour.”
He laughed so hard I thought he might choke. “Grandmother will be thrilled it was you all along.”
“I’m expecting her to be rather angry.”
“Don’t you know the story of this necklace?”
I shook my head. I only knew it had been on the list of heists my father wanted to pull off.
“The necklace was made for my great-grandmother by Giovanni Trabocchi. You’ve heard the name?”
“I’d be quite the third-rate jewel thief if I’d never heard of Signor Trabocchi.”
Luca smiled. “Quite. My great-grandmother had three daughters. She left the necklace to the middle daughter. The older one got this villa, but she thought she should’ve inherited the necklace. They never spoke again, and then they both died tragically and young, leaving no heirs.”
“That’s so sad.”
“My grandmother inherited the necklace and the villa, though she never felt right about either.” He put the necklace back into the velvet bag. “Keep it.”
“What? You can’t give away seven million euros worth of diamonds. I don’t want it!”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this and it's believable up until the part where Luca says to keep the necklace. But I'm guessing it would be more believable if I fully knew Luca's character from the story. It definitely held my interest--so good job!
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling to understand your main character. His heart is pounding, so he's nervous. Luca clearly makes him uncomfortable, but the dialogue doesn't seem to match that. "You'll be calling the police?" and "You've heard the name" make it sound like he's just calmly taking in the situation. It seems like an interesting story, and if we already knew Sasha, maybe it would be clearer. As it is, I'm not getting a good sense of who he is from this section.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was really organically written, however I do have similar notes to Carly regarding the beats around the dialogue -- you say Sasha's heart is pounding, signalling anxiety or similar, but then the feeling seems to go away. But the dialogue itself reads brilliantly.
ReplyDeleteJust an FYI to future readers - Sasha is a girl.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks to all for the comments!
Your submission didn't come through as you've written it, so in places it was slightly confusing--e.g. it's Luca who says "Beautiful as ever" and also "Where's it been?" But, easily figured out. No problem on this end knowing Luca a male, Sasha, a female.
ReplyDeleteI thought your dialogue was fine for the type of story it is.
Sounds like a fun story. Nice job.
Your submission didn't come through as you've written it, so in places it was slightly confusing--e.g. it's Luca who says "Beautiful as ever" and also "Where's it been?" But, easily figured out. No problem on this end knowing Luca a male, Sasha, a female.
ReplyDeleteI thought your dialogue was fine for the type of story it is.
Sounds like a fun story. Nice job.