TITLE: The Mysterious Clearing
GENRE: YA - Fantasy
Kay goes for a hike in the forest and finds her friend, Damon in a mysterious clearing they had discovered the previous day. Damon's friend Andrea is with him.
“Damon said you guys found this place yesterday. It sounded cool.”
“I’m actually surprised you came here,” Damon interjected, “Yesterday, it sort of seemed like you wanted to avoid this place for some reason.”
Kay nodded, “I did a little. It just seems...I don't know, unnatural.”
Andrea nodded her agreement, “She’s right you know. There should be trees here. With all the trees surrounding this clearing, there’s no reason why they wouldn’t have grown here. Unless there’s something different about the ground - fewer nutrients or something. But then the grass and weeds wouldn’t be growing." Andrea had started talking faster and faster. She paused now, puzzling, "It’s really interesting.”
“She finds everything interesting,” Damon explained, walking over to the edge of the clearing.
“Not everything,” Andrea argued, following him, “Just the things that don’t seem to have a logical explanation.”
“Right,” Damon laughed, “because everything has to be perfectly logical with you.”
“Isn’t that just... how the world works?” Kay interjected.
Damon and Andrea both stopped at the edge of the clearing. Then, Andrea smiled, “I like her!”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm going to assume you described the clearing in a previous scene, but even so, what does it look like at this moment?
ReplyDeleteYou use the word "seem" twice, very close together and a third time later in the scene. Try showing the reader how things ARE, not how they SEEM. That brings scenes more to life.
"I did a little. It just seems...I don't know, unnatural." I found this line a bit bland, and not very revealing. Is there a chill in the air on an otherwise warm day? Unusual plants? Does it smell like orange blossoms, which don't grow in their part of the world? No animal prints, like the rabbits are frightened of the clearing. Lack of trees isn't enough. What can you have Kay and Andrea say to intrigue me to keep reading? I want to find the clearing weirdly creepy, or feel its magic - not just interesting, which is actually a bit boring.
You have a good premise. Make it come alive.
“Right,” Damon laughed SHOULD BE "Right," Damon said. He laughed. OR "Right." Damon laughed. But laughed isn't a dialogue tag. You also use interjected twice, which isn't necessary. Stick with said. Also, they aren't really interjecting, because no one is being interrupted. Maybe have have them interrupt each other, because that increases the level of tension.
Best of luck!
I like the interactions between the characters. I got a good sense of their personalities and how each of them was feeling through their dialogue.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think your use of dialogue tags could be finessed. You say "interjected" and "nodded" twice in this short span. Using "said" instead would be less distracting.
I agree with all of Jenny's comments as well. I'd like just a hint of setting, especially since Andrea is experiencing the scene for the first time.
I hesitated to comment because Jenny pretty much hit what I was thinking. Ditto on Suzanne. Interjected is always an awkward dialogue tag. Nodding heads are my nemesis. I can see my characters doing it, but when you put it in writing, they wind up like Bobble-head dolls.
ReplyDeleteIt might be fun if one of the characters twirls and says, "Maybe this is a fairy circle!" Then they laugh nervously and stop. Something like that to let the reader know what they're thinking. The mind goes 9-0 when you encounter strange situations and many times it goes to the frightening.
It looks like a fun read and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Yes, I agree that this mysterious clearing needs more description that will infect your reader with a sense of, perhaps, foreboding?
ReplyDeleteThe most interesting character here is Kay because she returned--alone--to this mysterious place regardless that the day before she'd seemed to want to avoid it. This suggests she was nervous, uncomfortable, when she and Damon discovered it together. Yet, she comes back by herself.
The last two lines are confusing, especially Andrea's comment that she likes Kay. Where's Kay? Isn't she right with them since in the line above she gives a response to Damon's kidding remark?
Thanks for submitting.
Yes, I agree that this mysterious clearing needs more description that will infect your reader with a sense of, perhaps, foreboding?
ReplyDeleteThe most interesting character here is Kay because she returned--alone--to this mysterious place regardless that the day before she'd seemed to want to avoid it. This suggests she was nervous, uncomfortable, when she and Damon discovered it together. Yet, she comes back by herself.
The last two lines are confusing, especially Andrea's comment that she likes Kay. Where's Kay? Isn't she right with them since in the line above she gives a response to Damon's kidding remark?
Thanks for submitting.