TITLE: CUSTODIAN
GENRE: YA - Fantasy
The militia Sean belongs to has imposed martial rule over a city in the midst of their war against someone else. Sean is bringing Joen and another soldier up to speed on the actions he's taken against their militia in order to propose a plan that would help the enemy, because he believes the militia's actions were wrong.
“The girl that was captured when we returned the children—”
“The one you saw in Esper, described for the posters?” Joen’s eyebrow rose.
Sean didn’t fidget as he met Joen’s gaze. “Yes. I let her go.”
The room was completely, utterly silent. Joen wasn’t even blinking. Sean didn’t dare glance at the other soldier. “We were friends as children, before my father died. I know her, Joen, and she’s not the sort of person the Enlightenment is against.”
Joen was still, so still. Sean felt his muscles bunching even as he sat. Joen had been sympathetic… but maybe he’d still judged wrong.
“Tem told me your mind control theory.” He couldn’t get a read on Joen’s voice.
Sean sucked in a breath. “No. I don’t think that’s what its doing. She and the alchemist were adamant. I don’t think its inherently dangerous, inherently evil.”
“You want to protect it now?” Then, “you spoke to the alchemist?”
“Yes, before they killed him.”
The room fell silent again. Finally Joen slumped in his chair, his legs sliding out in front of him. “Gods, Sean,” he said, voice haggard, and drew his hand over his face.
“So you’re sympathetic now? You’re against the Enlightenment because you watched some old girlfriend tortured?”
Sean had forgotten the other man in the room. Sean turned to face him directly, desperate to pick the right line of explanation. If he couldn’t get them both on board… and this was the easy part.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think you need more tags - I can't tell which person is speaking, and so it's confusing. It's hard to tell what's going on is such a short passage, and I'm assuming the identity of the girl, the alchemist,mind control theory, are explained earlier, because I can't make sense of what's going on here. Sean doesn't seem like he's trying to convince anyone to join him; he's too vague. There's not enough info for me to get afeel for this passage.
ReplyDeleteI'm echoing what Cynde said above -- while this seems interesting, I don't quite understand enough of what's going on to really get into it. I think that might be partially because this is clearly in the middle of the story, but a few more tags definitely wouldn't hurt.
ReplyDeleteThis has the potential to be a very compelling scene.
ReplyDeleteIn some ways it's too vague. I don’t understand what the stakes are, so it’s hard for me to invest in what they’re saying. What are the consequences? What kind of trouble will Sean get into because he freed the girl? Can Sean trust Joen?
On the other hand, it feels like it goes on a bit too long and gives too many details. I think it would be stronger if you could cut back the explanations a bit. Especially if it’s information the reader already knows. Say more by saying less.
Stronger emotions from all the characters would also help. Everyone is holding back, trying to appear stoic. Sean doesn’t fidget. Joen keeps his face blank, his voice even. Maybe Joen tries to hide his reactions, but Sean reads them anyway. Or somebody gets mad and slams a fist on the table. Shake things up a bit.
Also, I don’t get much of a sense of who these guys are. What are their relationships? Is there an age difference? Does Joen have authority over Sean? We might see this in the way they interact.
A little cutting back and making the stakes clearer would make this a strong scene and give it the impact you're going for.
Good luck!
This has a lot of good potential, but I got lost a bit on who was talking, so clear up those tags and make sure the beats align with the speaker. When the third guy comes in, I suggest starting with something like, "A snort came from the corner of the room, and Sean jumped- he'd forgotten the man was there."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This has a lot of good potential, but I got lost a bit on who was talking, so clear up those tags and make sure the beats align with the speaker. When the third guy comes in, I suggest starting with something like, "A snort came from the corner of the room, and Sean jumped- he'd forgotten the man was there."
ReplyDeleteGood luck!