TITLE: Sustenance
GENRE: YA - Speculative Fiction
Quinn has escaped from an enclosed society in which all food is synthetic. Kalan's family is helping her to detox, and she has just eaten her first taste of real chicken. Kalan offers her a cup of herbal tea to calm her upset intestines.
“I don’t think I can drink that,” I say. Another wave of cramping hits me, and I groan.
“Sip it,” Kalan says. “It’ll make you feel better.”
I take the mug from his hands and hold it to my lips. “What’s in it?”
“Just drink it.”
I sip the tea; it’s minty and flowery and things I can’t describe.
“Your body doesn’t have enough of the natural enzyme needed to digest the meat,” Kalan says.
“But I’ve—” I stop myself. I haven’t been eating meat my whole life. It wasn’t meat. “Why don’t I have the enzymes?”
“You’ve been taking synthetic enzymes as part of your daily meds,” Kalan says. “And you haven’t eaten real meat. The only chance your body has had to manufacture the enzyme is the bits of cheek you swallow every day.”
I stop mid-sip. “Bits of cheek?”
Kalan smiles. “Cheek cells. We all swallow them daily.”
“You enjoy torturing me.” I swallow more tea; it’s already soothing the pains in my intestines.
“Actually—” He looks away, suddenly interested in a collection of socks and shirts Lydia has left on the table for me. “I wanted to say I was sorry.”
“For torturing me?”
“For bugging you about Troy.”
“Oh.” I bury my face as deeply in the mug as I can, pretending to drink longer than I need to.
“I guess I really don’t know much about your life, anyway.”
“Well, you wouldn’t.”
“Yeah.” Kalan finally looks at me. “But I’d like to.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Quite good. Sounds like a cool story too.
ReplyDeleteYou do have some extra words though.
E.g. I don't think you need 'me' in the first line
or 'from his hands' in the third
and I think 'doesn't have enough of the natural enzyme needed' should just be 'lacks enough natural enzymes'
I really liked this! The dialogue was very realistic, and the last line was especially intriguing -- it makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThis reads very smoothly and feels well-polished. I like the scene and feel grounded in it, even though we are offered very little in extraneous details. The small descriptions you use are well placed and quite effective.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder if she would use the word intestines to describe the cramping, though. Usually we don't. And the only other thing I might critique is when Kalan brings up that she has never eaten real meat, right after she has already told us that. Struck me as a bit redundant.
Overall, though, it is quite nice.