TITLE: Dear Indiana: Letters to my Future Child from Chance Best, Age Sixteen
GENRE: YA - Contemporary
“I can tell there’s something wrong,” Lucy Jo said, taking my hand in hers. I wondered then why my mother wasn’t more like her and that made me start to cry.
“Oh, no,” Lucy Jo said. “That won’t do. Now, come here.” She pulled me into a hug, and we sat like that while I sobbed, letting it all pour out of me in an uncontrollable wave of sorrow.
After I was done, Dottie brought me some tissues. I wiped my eyes though my face must have been red enough to give away what had just happened.
Lucy Jo started talking again once I’d stopped sniffling. “You can’t give up, Chance. You’ve got to fight back.”
“I tried,” I explained. “It didn’t work.”
“Oh, that,” Lucy Jo said, and when I looked in her eyes, I understood she knew I was the one who’d framed Guillermo.
“You didn’t tell, did you?” I asked her.
“Of course not, but if you try something like that again I won’t have much choice. You don’t have to lower yourself to their level. You have to fight for yourself, not against them.”
I looked into Lucy Jo’s eyes just then. There were tiny red lines sprouting from her hazel-colored irises. I wondered if she, too, got tired of all the bullshit. “I don’t know how to do that.”
“That’s what you’ve got to figure out,” she said. “How do you make you work here?”
“Can’t you just tell me?”
“It's not a magic bullet, Chance. I can’t just go down to the Wal-Mart and buy the answer on the shelf. You’re the only one who knows what’s right for you.”
“Oh my God,” I said. “Why are you so smart?”
“I just am, Chance,” she said. “And for people like us, that’s a curse.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is engaging dialogue. I love the expressed philosophy of fighting for yourself instead of against them. One sentence made me do a triple-take: “How do you make you work here?” I get it, I think, but the author's job is to make the reading effortless. Overall, I found it intriguing. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Chris! I'll work on that line, for sure.
DeleteI'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge.
I think because there was no explanation or lead-in to the dialogue, it was at first confusing, but I was able to separate the narrator, Lucy-Jo and Dottie after reading through. The line 'I wiped my eyes though my face must have been red enough to give away what had just happened' seemed a little awkward. I wasn't sure what it was referring to. Also, the last line of dialogue, "I just am, Chance" she said. "And for people like us, that's a curse." I think was a bit mysterious, but again, I think it's because there was no explanation as to what the scene was about.
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting me know about that line, Susan. I'll work on it! I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge.
DeleteThis Indiana gal loves your title. And the concept of a teenager writing to his future child. Is the child's name Indiana? Or are you referring to the state?
ReplyDeleteLike Susan, I wish there had been a "set the stage" line or two, but Lucy Jo is obviously a motherly figure/substitute, and I'm not sure who Dottie is. Lucy Jo's child? A friend? Neighbor?
In the continued spirit of condensing dialogue, here are some suggestions for tightening up the lines a bit.
--
“Something wrong,” Lucy Jo said, taking my hand. Ugh. Why wasn't my mother more like her. The thought of it all made me start to cry.
“Oh, no,” Lucy Jo said. “That won’t do. Now, come here.” She pulled me into a hug, and we sat like that while I poured out my sorrow in one uncontrollable wave.
Dottie brought me tissues, and I wiped my eyes. I wish I could rub the red off my face, too.
“You can’t give up, Chance," Lucy Jo told me. "You’ve got to fight back.”
“I tried. It didn’t work.”
--
I am curious about Chance's mother, why she lacked in the love department. Who is Lucy Jo? Who is the person Chance framed and why did he frame him? And WHY is he telling all of this to his future child? Interested! Write more. Finish. Go! :)
Wow, thanks for the enthusiasm, M! I appreciate it! I am a former Hoosier myself. And, yes, Indiana is the name of Chance's future child. Thanks so much for the suggestions with tightening. I'll work on it! I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge. (And Chance write letters to unborn child because she is angry with her parents for moving to Kentucky and swears she'll be a better mother to her child some day.)
DeleteSo...is Chance...pregnant? Or is she writing to an imagined future child?
DeleteI think this works very well, overall. Most of my gripes are nit-picky. I assumed Chance was a girl, since girls are more likely to write letters to their unborn children. I find it intriguing that Chance could actually be a male protagonist. Their are no pronouns used here to let the reader know one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteI feel like Dottie came out of nowhere, but she could have been introduced before this chunk of dialog started, so no worries there.
At the beginning of the passage, the sorrow pours in a wave. This bothered me because waves do not pour. They crash, the rush, they wash, but they don't pour.
A similar thing bothered me about the magic bullet. Bullets are usually held behind the counter at places like Wal-Mart and gun stores. You don't pick them up off of a shelf. Also, my Wal-Mart is woefully insufficient if yours sells things like magic bullets. A magic 8 ball you could find on a Wal-Mart shelf, and they have answers, albeit vague ones at best.
This is a pretty effective snippet of dialog. Your characters voices are distinguishable and the conversation flows pretty naturally. I think, with a few tweaks, you've got a pretty solid scene.
Thanks for your comment, Gabby! I really appreciate your suggestions and cant't wait to fix that sorrow line. As for the bullet, I mean the magic bullet appliance! It's sold at Wal-Mart. I imagine Lucy Jo will be the kind of person who shops for one. But maybe it's not well known enough for people to get that line. Maybe I need a more obvious thing you can buy at Wal-Mart.
ReplyDelete(Chance is a 16-year-old young woman, by the way.)
I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge.