TITLE: Crap Out
GENRE: Adult - Crime/Mystery
Rule is a PI interviewing Ike Clark, a pimp. Ike was recently released from prison. He claims to have shed his old persona, been reeducated, and become Ike Clark, the pure man God first brought into the world.
Rule really didn’t expect Clark to call. He figured he would have to get to him indirectly,
through Norton, or maybe even Sam. So, he was surprised when Clark called the following day.
“You looking for Ike?” His voice was thick, with a heavy accent and a lisp.
“I am,” Rule said. “Would like to talk to you.”
“What you want to talk to Ike about?”
“A client of yours.”
“Ike doesn’t have clients. You think Ike’s a lawyer?”
“I know better than that. Whatever you tell me will be confidential. And you could make
some nice money, if you tell the truth.”
“How much?”
“Five grand.”
“You the one have someone following Ike?”
“You think you’re being followed?”
“You the one?”
“No.”
“Ike doesn’t have anything to say.”
“You might remember me,” Rule said. “We met one time during the VanRaalte
and Robert Flowers deal?”
“Ike’s never forgotten that animal killer. Where you think we met?”
“Burton Street Gym. I took some photographs of you for the newspaper.”
There was a silence, and then, “You the white guy, big, made square?”
“Never thought of myself as square,” Rule said.
“Your head square,” Clark said, as if thinking. “Your delts square. You got white hair
and them gray eyes, and white hair like some kind of ghost. And your eyes so far away from
your nose, it be like you can see behind you, like some damn insect.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the way Ike refers to himself in the 3rd person, and I like his manner of speaking. It’s easy to tell who’s speaking. Ike says one line that seems too formal for him, ‘Ike’s never forgotten that animal.’ I can’t tell from this short passage if it advances the plot, but I’ll tell you what direction it seems to be going: Ike is cool and dethatched at first, like he’s got the upper hand. He’s only talking to Rule because he wants to find out who’s following him. But when Ike realizes who Rule is, and he’s afraid. I definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI like the way Ike refers to himself in the 3rd person, and I like his manner of speaking. It’s easy to tell who’s speaking. Ike says one line that seems too formal for him, ‘Ike’s never forgotten that animal.’ I can’t tell from this short passage if it advances the plot, but I’ll tell you what direction it seems to be going: Ike is cool and dethatched at first, like he’s got the upper hand. He’s only talking to Rule because he wants to find out who’s following him. But when Ike realizes who Rule is, and he’s afraid. I definitely want to read more.
ReplyDeleteIt's good, but I think a little more exposition/description would help. Accents are difficult and you do a good job, but don't over-describe Ike's voice. I.e. show the lisp in how he pronounces word, instead of telling (because three descriptors for how he talks is at least one too many)
ReplyDeleteI'd also rephrase to get rid of Ike's contractions.
e.g. Ike doesn’t have anything to say
to
Ike have nothing to say
And a couple lines can be read with or without broken English
e.g. What you want to talk to Ike about? might be better as
Why you want to talk to Ike?
I really liked the last third.
This is fun! I love how Ike refers to himself in the third person, as if he's a personal assistant. I have a difference of opinion with you on a couple of bits of dialogue--I'd drop "Would" in the Rule's first line. I'd replace have with got, "You the one got someone following...?" I'd drop "one time" in the where we met sentence. And I wouldn't mention white hair twice, even though it's dialogue, and speakers make errors. Bottom line: I like this. I would probably read and enjoy this book.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't my genre of strength, but I love this snippet. Ike cracks me up! The visuals come across quite clearly in my head of your characters, and for me that's most important in getting to know them.
ReplyDeleteI do feel he steps out of character in a couple of instances, however. When he says, "Ike doesn't have anything to say," it doesn't sound real to me. It would be more believable for me if he said, "Ike got nothing to say," or something more terse like that. But I realize that's just me. Others may feel differently.
The other place that stopped me and pulled me out was when he suddenly stopped the third person act. When he asks, "Where you think we met?" He dropped the Ike business at this point and it was almost jarring for me.
I really love the ending in this with Ike's description of Rule. Not only did it show me that big tough Ike can be frightened, but it shows us a great photo of Rule. (Although, you do have a small error in that paragraph where you mention the white hair twice.)
Really like this!
I love the 3rd person speech as well. Perhaps in a version not constrained by word count, you could let us know how Rule feels about it (thinks he's a pompous reformer, loves that he's so cool, feels sorry for him that he can't conjugate a verb...you know). Very good passage in the genre. Love it!!
ReplyDelete