TITLE: NOTHER LAND
GENRE: MG - Historical Fantasy
THE BOOK OF LOST THINGS meets LOVE, AUBREY, when a war, a boat accident and a missing brother, takes Alice into her shadow world in search of the cloaked stranger who took him, whilst fighting a deranged boy king intent on hiding the truth.
September 1940
I pressed my cheek against the cold train window. My heartbeat thudded with each chug of the engine, taking me away from Mother, waving her hanky from the platform edge. She faded into the blanket of fog and out of sight, but I kept my face against the glass. Edwin couldn’t see me cry, no one could — especially not the classmates sharing my compartment. My first time away from home and branded a crybaby? No, thank you. Besides, Mother said I had to be brave. Instead, I squeezed Purrl, my beanbag cat, hidden under my grey school blazer, until my breath stilled.
I leant back against the checked seat. Across from me, my little brother’s face remained glued to the window, his breath fogging up the glass. He knelt backwards, his unruly black hair sprouting like a carrot top at his crown, despite Mother’s attempts to plaster it down with Vaseline. Next to him, the silver-haired housemaster, Dr Dickerson, whom Edwin and I had known for all of three minutes, drew a long breath at my fidgeting brother beside him.
“Eddy, sit down,” I said. “Mother’s gone.”
A sob exploded from his skinny seven-year-old body and he spun around, slumping into his seat. Tears streaked his cheeks and clumped his long eyelashes together. He wiped his eyes with Roar, his stuffed lion, and sniffed a snot trail back up his left nostril.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Your writing does an excellent job of establishing the setting. It is quite evocative. The stuffed animals are a precious touch.
ReplyDeleteFor the line "...taking me away from Mother, waving..." it might be worth considering "..,from Mother, who was waving..."
Thank you so much! About to dive in too!
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ReplyDeleteVery nice setting. Is this a school trip or the kids being evacuated from London? I would like to know the station name so I could guess.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I like your writing, some of your sentence breaks and phrasing isn't quite natural to me. I'm only talking little tweaks.
For example:
Across from me, my little brother’s face remained glued to the window, his breath fogging up the glass. He knelt backwards, his unruly black hair sprouting like a carrot top at his crown, despite Mother’s attempts to plaster it down with Vaseline.
might be
Across from me, my little brother knelt backwards with his face glued to the window, his breath fogging up the glass. His unruly black hair sprouted like a carrot top at his crown, despite Mother’s attempts to plaster it down with Vaseline.
And I'd also change carrot top to iron spikes so that you don't need to say his hair is black. carrot top is such a strong image of red.
Regardless, I'd still keep reading.
I think you nailed the voice and the internal fight between wanting to cry and wanting to put up a good face in front of the new classmates. My only suggestion would be to cut up the first paragraph into short sentences to get a better emotional response in the opening.
ReplyDeleteGood work!
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ReplyDeleteI like how you started small - with her cheek and then pulled the camera back to see the brother and headmaster.
ReplyDeleteI am a little confused about Eddy who "knelt" back. Do you mean he was on his knees looking out the window? That and the term "leant" back earlier both stopped my flow of reading.
Overall, I would keep reading. I am curious about why the housemaster is riding the train with them. I sort of get that feel of the girl riding with the governess in "The Secret Garden" - riding to an unknown place with an unknown person. I like it.
I like how you started small - with her cheek and then pulled the camera back to see the brother and headmaster.
ReplyDeleteI am a little confused about Eddy who "knelt" back. Do you mean he was on his knees looking out the window? That and the term "leant" back earlier both stopped my flow of reading.
Overall, I would keep reading. I am curious about why the housemaster is riding the train with them. I sort of get that feel of the girl riding with the governess in "The Secret Garden" - riding to an unknown place with an unknown person. I like it.