TITLE: WHITE ISLAND - An Adventure of Color
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
When the Danger Bell clangs in Phoebe Featherwell’s small village of White Mice, she learns that a huge creature has come ashore during the Dark Time and ransacked their food storage bins. Worse yet, her little brother, Maurice, has disappeared without a trace.
The Danger Bell rang out with a loud CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Phoebe awoke with a start. She hurried to the backyard to get Maurice, but when she looked inside his tent, he was nowhere to be found. Moments later, she and her parents were hurrying toward the Village Square to see what had happened to cause such a commotion at such an early hour.
“Oh, I hope Maurice hasn’t been hurt,” her mother said.
“He’s probably fine, Mother,” Phoebe replied as they rushed along. “You know how he wanders off chasing dragonflies and such.” And Phoebe didn’t give it any more thought for the moment.
A sizeable group of White Mice was already gathering when Phoebe and her parents arrived. Phoebe could see members of the White Guard patrolling the perimeter while others, with their weapons drawn, were conducting searches of the area surrounding the Village Square. This activity and the buzz of conversation filled the crisp morning air, and there was a great deal of anticipation and uncertainty evident on the faces in the crowd.
An elderly White Mouse with a small wooden cane shuffled up beside Phoebe and asked, “What’s all this fuss about, dear?”
Phoebe shrugged politely. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know, ma’am. It must be something very important, though.”
A few moments later, Mayor Oglesby, a rather heavyset, middle-aged White Mouse with long, drooping whiskers and very little hair left on the top of his head, climbed up onto a small, flat rock in front of the large Danger Bell.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great imagination. I wonder if you could ramp up the tension a little more. It's a little fast and telly. It's a big moment to discover a missing brother, I'd love to feel more tension as they search for him. I think Mother would be really panicked, more than she is here? It might also be helpful to ground us a little more in the world and it's setting, so that we understand about the danger bell, where they are, why is the brother in a tent — is it the brother? I think you've pitched well with MG and I reckon you can make this a really exciting opening if you slow it down with "showing" more so that we can feel what everyone is feeling. :)
ReplyDeleteI been to a few First Pages readings and onomatopoeia in the first line is generally a cue to stop reading. It might be better to have her parents wake her, asking where her brother is, and then for her to hear the alarm. Focus on her first. Let her react to her parents concern. Let her dismiss her brother's absence as yet another way he irritates her. Right now she seems indifferent and that doesn't pull a reader in IMO
ReplyDeleteIn the dialogue you've given us by Phoebe, I don't have much of a feel for her personality. I agree with both the previous comments. I've never heard about not having onomatopoeia in the first line, so I can't comment on that but if you choose to keep it, I'd put it first. I've heard that you shouldn't start with someone waking up but if it is her parents shaking her awake and screaming "Do you know where your brother is?" it might be ok. I do think it would be more effective to take us with you so we can feel her looking for him. And feel her emotions whatever they are. If annoyed take us to the places he normally hides and have us not find him. If scared make the sentences short and urgent so we feel her fear--kind of like Mel said. Overall the topic feels like a good MG but I'm not sure you've captured the voice yet.
ReplyDeleteIn the dialogue you've given us by Phoebe, I don't have much of a feel for her personality. I agree with both the previous comments. I've never heard about not having onomatopoeia in the first line, so I can't comment on that but if you choose to keep it, I'd put it first. I've heard that you shouldn't start with someone waking up but if it is her parents shaking her awake and screaming "Do you know where your brother is?" it might be ok. I do think it would be more effective to take us with you so we can feel her looking for him. And feel her emotions whatever they are. If annoyed take us to the places he normally hides and have us not find him. If scared make the sentences short and urgent so we feel her fear--kind of like Mel said. Overall the topic feels like a good MG but I'm not sure you've captured the voice yet.
ReplyDeleteSomething about a lot of scurrying white mice is intriguing to me. I like the thought of a danger bell and marauders. Maybe you could lend to the panicked pace with specific verbs? Add to the frantic feel of a group (herd? pack?) of little white mice. I was a big fan of The Rats of Nihm so this feels fun to me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe to help with voice you could up the details. Was just reminded of that by an editor. Very specific details about each character. Not so much what they're wearing but personality quirks. Then they react to other characters in ways that show who they are.
Good writing to you!
I always love animal stories and this one seems like it will have that classic feel. I’d certainly read more.
ReplyDeleteOne concern I have is actually regarding the logline. It reads more like a summary of your 250 words than a hook wetting the appetite for the book. I’d like to see a little more hint of what is to come, what the stakes are, and, besides being Maurice’s sister, what Phoebe’s role is in the tale.
The other concern I’d like to raise is the dialogue. When I read it aloud I find myself tripping up a little bit. Maybe this is because Phoebe only interacts with authority figures, not her peers?
Finally, that last sentence/paragraph was a doozy! I ran out of breath trying to read it. I like the description, but I think it would flow better if you broke that sentence up. Maybe keep one or two of your descriptions of Mayor Oglesby (love the name, btw!) and save the others for elsewhere?
I think your voice feels just about right. Like I mentioned already, it just has the feel of a classic talking animal story. It reminds me a little bit of Watership Down just in overall feel. I think you’re on the right track and wish you luck as you proceed!