TITLE: Return to the Mountains
GENRE: MG - Contemporary
When 12 year-old Kate finds a lynx with kittens on her family's remote Colorado ranch, she must choose between keeping the lynx a secret to keep her brother from killing them, or tell her family in order to protect the ranch's livestock from the lynx.
An empty chicken coop is like a rodeo without mutton-busting. It just isn’t right. But that’s how I found the coop when I went back out after talking on the phone with Lupita.
Every single bird I’d raised from egg-hood…gone.
The gate was wide open.
My older brother Tyler was always on me about the gate. Kate, he’d say in his in-charge-of-everything tone, you have to latch the gate every time. But surely I’d at least shut it on my way to get the phone. Had the alpha rooster orchestrated a coop-break? If King Strut was as desperate to get out as I was, I wouldn’t have put it past him.
I stood there a good long time, too long, staring at the cracked red soil littered with feathers. A pile had settled in the corner like a snow drift. All those feathers together like that almost looked like a whole chicken roosting there. Taking care of them was my responsibility, and I’d let them down. “Sorry,” I whispered to the drifts of feathers.
That ‘sorry’ was also for my own benefit. If Tyler and Dad found out I hadn’t latched the gate properly, it would give them one more reason to go on treating me like a little kid. Tyler would spend the summer following me around the ranch, his shadow trampling on mine all day long, making sure I did things right. Or at least that I did things his way.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the premise here -- I'm a big supporter of wildlife so this story hooked me at your logline.
ReplyDeleteI really like your writing voice. I think Kate (great name, by the way ;) ) sounds her age. I really didn't feel like she broke out of the 12-year-old perspective. She has a neat way of describing things: egg-hood, coop-break, shadow trampling on mine, the fact she says sorry to the feathers, her self-awareness that she is in deep trouble, and her resentment at being treated like a little kid -- all of that works very well.
I already love the relationship she has with Tyler even though I haven't seen them together. I can totally picture what it must be like to have him as an older brother just based on how she presents him.
I'm wondering if the lynx is to blame or if the chickens simply escaped the coop. I'm inclined to believe they perished at the fangs of the lynx because that's what your book is about. However,would Kate know they'd been eaten by a predator based on the evidence of the pile of feathers and that not a single chicken is left wandering the yard?
Anyway, it isn't a problem with your opening -- just a question I had immediately, which might mean you'll want to make sure you address it early on. If it wasn't the lynx, and they simply escaped, then that might make the opening less compelling.
Good luck with your story and thanks for the read.
Wow, loved this and your writing. I'm trying to not just cheerlead here, but rather than not comment at all, I had to let you know how much I like this.
ReplyDeleteThe rodeo comparison was great, King Strut, I totally feel her wanting to leave the oppressive family, but I sure hope she doesn't want to leave by the end because what a great place to grow up.
Best line was Sorry, to the chicken feathers. I totally FELT that.
Good job.
Wow, loved this and your writing. I'm trying to not just cheerlead here, but rather than not comment at all, I had to let you know how much I like this.
ReplyDeleteThe rodeo comparison was great, King Strut, I totally feel her wanting to leave the oppressive family, but I sure hope she doesn't want to leave by the end because what a great place to grow up.
Best line was Sorry, to the chicken feathers. I totally FELT that.
Good job.
Great opening line. Love the voice.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need 'older' in front of 'brother'
and I'm not sure the repeating of the metaphor 'drifts of' at the end of the paragraph quite works. I'd just have feathers.
There are a couple words I'm not sure about. 'surely', 'orchestrated' but it might fit the character more than it seems in this little bit.
Anyway, just nitpicking. Great job.
Like a couple of others commenting here, I don’t want to just cheerlead, but you leave me groping for anything wrong with this opening. So I guess I’ll be a rule-flouter and do a little cheerleading.
ReplyDeleteYour voice here is PERFECT! And I mean that both as far as general MG voice goes and as far as establishing this particular character. From the very first line with “mutton-busting” (which I had to look up btw because I’ve never attended a rodeo in my life) through her description of Tyler’s in-charge-of-everything-tone (isn’t that exactly how a twelve year old thinks?) all the way down to Tyler’s shadow trampling on hers, you nailed it. I’m going to make a note of this title so I can keep an eye out for it when it surely hits the shelves, because I want to read the rest of it.
The one and only concern I could think of is that if, as I suspect, the lynx is responsible for the chickens’ disappearing act, shouldn’t there be blood and bones littered around as well as feathers?
I wish I had more insight to offer. But really, I’d just encourage you to keep on doing what you’re doing. This is excellent and I look forward to seeing the whole thing in print.