TITLE: Music Camp of the Rockies
GENRE: MG - Action and Adventure
There’s no turning back as Liza wraps her slender fingers around my wrist.
“Ready or not!” She yells and yanks me down the grassy slope. We pick up speed, running faster and faster. My scream echoes all the way to the main lodge where we thunder onto the wooden porch.
“You're crazy!” I say between gasps of laughter. We stand in front of the massive doors propped open wide like welcoming arms. I read the banner above the door:
MUSIC CAMP OF THE ROCKIES
75th Anniversary
It’s weird how life comes full circle. Less than a year ago, I stood in this very spot and swore I'd never come back here again…or play my French horn again.
It’s not that I don’t love this place. I do. It’s like home to me. More home than the small apartment Mom and I live in now. But last year turned out to be the worst ever and I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing by being back here.
We step inside where the stone fireplace fights off the mountain breeze.
“I can't wait to get to our cabin,” I tell Liza, but what I really mean to say is, I want to get out of this room and out of this building before we run into anyone from last year.
As Liza says hi to some campers I don't recognize, I wander over to some old-fashioned photographs hanging on the log wall that’s darkened with age.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Running down the hill doesn't seem crazy enough to warrant the reaction. Rather the scene feels like a movie opening that would work better visually than on paper.
ReplyDeleteThe reflective "It's weird how life comes full circle" seems too adult. Her general worries about returning to camp feel on target though.
I am fond of the setting and title. There's few better locales for a MG adventure.
I agree with eltsmith. I'd also get rid of the 'again' after French horn. It weakens the line.
ReplyDeleteI would like a bit more of a hint to the trouble she expects.
I think it does sound like a middle grade voice. Once eltsmith mentioned it, I guess s/he is right that most kids wouldn't say full circle but it didn't stop me or pull me out. I agree that it wasn't quite as exciting as I expected from the first words but I could see how it would seem like an adventure for a kid and they might see it that way as "There's no turning back."
ReplyDeleteYou are good at your descriptions and I like that you started with the hand around her wrist because I could feel her grabbing my arm and pulling me down the hill.
I also like that you have already intrigued us with the mystery of what happened last year.
I think it does sound like a middle grade voice. Once eltsmith mentioned it, I guess s/he is right that most kids wouldn't say full circle but it didn't stop me or pull me out. I agree that it wasn't quite as exciting as I expected from the first words but I could see how it would seem like an adventure for a kid and they might see it that way as "There's no turning back."
ReplyDeleteYou are good at your descriptions and I like that you started with the hand around her wrist because I could feel her grabbing my arm and pulling me down the hill.
I also like that you have already intrigued us with the mystery of what happened last year.
Love the running down the hill moment. It shows a carefree, comfort with a friend that feels universal and special. You lost me a little on the "what I meant to say" part. That doesn't seem like a natural line. I get that you're trying to up the tension, but maybe experiment with a couple other ways to do it?
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could have her/he see something hanging on the wall that reminds her of last year? Abrupt reminder or something? Something an editor recently reminded us of was that personality quirks can help with voice. Something that only that person would do and how ashamed/proud/don't care the person is about it gives them a distinct personality. Good luck!
I like the story taking place at a music camp - there are so many possibilities. I also like that she is returning and trying to avoid the people from last year - makes me want to read more to see what happened.
ReplyDeleteI do have a little problem with the verb tenses. In a way it sounds like she is telling us a story, but then it is in the present tense and it somehow makes me uncomfortable...can't exactly put my finger on it.