TITLE: The Oddballs: Fully Armed
GENRE: MG - Contemporary Fantasy
Robert's arm is a jerk, Cassidy's leg is lazy, Jan's spine sticks out of her back, and Bethany static shocks everyone around her. Fighting a kingpin of crime probably isn't their best idea.
Robert Drot glared at his left arm. It was the reason he was stuck in his room–the reason he didn’t have any friends–the reason he’d gotten home late. “You got me double detention!”
As always Lefty hung limp while Robert yelled at it.
“First, you fly up for every question. And when Ms. Cross picks us, you drill up my nose with your finger. Then you push off Bethany’s desk and slam me into Skye’s.”
Robert’s arm stayed still, but that did not mean it wasn’t listening.
“And that bathroom thing was disgusting.”
It was, but Robert wasn’t going to talk about that anymore. He just had to hope Gordon Baker didn’t tell anyone. Fat chance of that though–Gordon Baker told everybody everything.
“Robert? Dinner time.” Robert’s mom called from downstairs
Robert wanted to stay in his room, but he knew his mom would fetch him. And she’d sigh again, like she usually did.
His parents must have given up on him being normal. Lefty wrecked everything. It glued his leg to a desk when model building. It yanked down his bathing suit in swim class. It wedgied the ref at a soccer game. In fact, Robert had been kicked out of every club and booted off every team he’d ever joined.
In the dining room, Robert’s parents were already seated. They shared that blank stare they always got when they weren’t sure how he’d behave.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I don't read much (any) Contemporary Fantasy, but the log line was so hilarious that I wanted to read the story. I find the voice funny and believable. I love the way you handle "that bathroom thing," with enough information to pull me in but not so much as to gross me out (and very MG appropriate). The transition from Robert being in his room to being in the dining room is unclear. Also, I think you so clearly establish Robert's left arm antics that perhaps "It glued his leg to a desk when model building. It yanked down his bathing suit in swim class. It wedgied the ref at a soccer game." isn't necessary. I do have some questions that I hope you address in the pages that follow this hilarious opener: why doesn't Robert's right arm pitch in to control his left? Does everyone in this world have independently thinking body parts? Or are the protagonists unique in that way? But I am totally pulled in already.
ReplyDeleteI love this - what a neat idea, and it's executed so well. I find the voice authentic for MG. I do wonder how, if Lefty has been causing all these behavior problems for Robert his whole life, how Robert hasn't been switched to a special school or his parents encouraged to home school him? But maybe that's addressed later in the book.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a great premise: Gang of underdogs taking on a kingpin of crime. But in the blurb I wonder why they need to take on this kingpin.
ReplyDeleteThe story opens with Robert who is mad at his arm. We’re going for sympathetic character I imagine. He’s talking to his arm, and some backstory is coming through.
As I look this over I am drawn to this line, which is exposition through dialogue, between boy and his uncontrollable arm. “First, you fly up for every question. And when Ms. Cross picks us, you drill up my nose with your finger. Then you push off Bethany’s desk and slam me into Skye’s.”
I personally like the idea of opening the story on this in real time, letting the reader actually see this happen. It’s funny and would be a great ice breaker, I think. And that is my main thought on this intro. It doesn’t immediately engage me. Maybe my advice boils down to the cliché show don’t tell. But I’d experiment with writing that out as a scene.
Thanks for letting me read and good luck with your story. It sounds like it will be a good one.
Interesting premise, and you've already gotten me to feel some sympathy for Robert, but it might be more entertaining to see him act out some of the things you're describing here rather than summing it up. I guess I'm kind of also wondering what sort of purpose his (apparently?) animate arm could have in pulling these sorts of pranks on Robert, but hopefully that's answered later in the story.
ReplyDeleteThanks folks.
ReplyDeleteThe story goes real time right after this. I can't open at school because the inciting incident has to take place at home, but I understand what you mean.