TITLE: Nixie
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
A jaded fairy gets roped into seeking a magical Stopwatch with a boy who doesn’t want to grow up.
My light sparkled and spun in circles, just like fireworks on the fourth of July. I even managed to pull off a strobe effect. The fireflies were dazzled and came flocking to me. When they saw I was a fairy, not a fabulous hunk of a firefly, they became angry and pulled my hair and tore my dress.
As I escaped and looked behind to see their scowling faces, I flew straight into something soft but firm and was knocked onto my back with my legs straight in the air. When I recovered I found that I was sitting in the palm of a boy’s hand. I sighed. It really wasn’t fair! I had just gotten rid of the last kid. I didn’t even bother trying to fly away. I knew the drill. I stood up, still in his hand, and tidied myself as best I could.
The boy, meanwhile, had brought his hand up nearer to his eyes. When he saw me, he shrieked and stared at me with wide open eyes and mouth.
I decided to give him a moment to regain his dignity. But it didn’t happen, so I intervened.
“I’m not an exhibit in a freak show, so you can close your mouth and stop staring, thank you.”
He shut his mouth so quickly that he bit the tip of his tongue and winced. I was feeling annoyed and grouchy by this point so I threw my hands up in a dramatic gesture of despair.
“We’ll never get anywhere at this rate.”
He recovered sufficiently to stammer, “Are… are you really real?”
“Of course I’m real!”
He gulped and then said, “But you’re a fairy!”
Miss Snark's First Victim
For a MG novel, and it may just be from the limited sample, the fairy reads like she's too adult. After being harassed, the fairy is exasperated when it seems like a kid would be scared or hurt by the experience to a degree.
ReplyDeleteSince the main character isn't an actual kid, it may be you've got more freedom in how the MC can act. But I would consider how much a MG reader would identify with a jaded main character.
I like the attitude of the fairy. I'd like to see a tighter start (Start with "The fireflies were dazzled..." and get through the encounter with the fireflies and right into the exchange with the boy. The boy character's voice is spot on, I just would like to see a little more a little sooner.
ReplyDeleteGood start!
I like the attitude of the fairy. I'd like to see a tighter start (Start with "The fireflies were dazzled..." and get through the encounter with the fireflies and right into the exchange with the boy. The boy character's voice is spot on, I just would like to see a little more a little sooner.
ReplyDeleteGood start!
I also like the fairy's attitude. I agree that it reads like a grown up fairy so far. But that can work if done well. I found myself wondering what the story would be like from the point of view of the kid, though. He gets this fairy. Super exciting! But then she's not at all what he is expecting. And it may be that you have a dual POV or it is fine as it is. But that was just a thought. I love the premise! It sounds like a really fun story!
ReplyDeleteI find it difficult to believe that a fireworks wielding fairy can't defend herself from a batch of fireflies. I like to know more about what happened - why she can't.
ReplyDelete'Flocked to me...' would be a more active voice than "...came flocking to me."
The logline doesn't give enough information. You've got good characters, a jaded fairy and a balky kid, but I don't really know what the challenges are - or the stakes. What happens if the fairy doesn't help him? 50 word is tough but more information would let me see beyond the first 250 words.
Fairies are fun, and I can see how this could turn into a very entertaining story. I like that you're starting with something active. My main problem was in the first two paragraphs. Instead of being drawn into the fairy's personality, I was busy asking why she was doing what she was doing and trying to figure out what was going on.
ReplyDeleteWhen she's exasperated by this boy and the position she got herself into, I get a much better feel for her personality. And it's fun that she's annoyed with him.
Ooo this feels a bit reminiscent of peter pan and I'm a total sucker for things like that. As far as voice goes, I'm not quite sure you've found your MG voice yet. It does creep in at times with phrases like --> “I’m not an exhibit in a freak show, so you can close your mouth and stop staring, thank you.”
ReplyDeleteBut overall this felt a bit flat for me. I wanted some more immediacy or tension or something to help propel me into the story more.
In terms of working on your voice, I'd look for some scenes in your MS that were a lot of fun to write and came pouring out of you and look at the voice there. That's the vest tactic I've been given in the past for really help to nail down that voice. Being able to study it in my own writing really helped.
I wish you all the luck as you move forward with your MS.
Jamie - Entry #35