TITLE: Ho'onani: The Wahine With Ku
GENRE: MG - Narrative Non-ficiton
A young girl in Hawai’i dreams of leading the boys-only end of year high school performance while having to prove to her older sister, there is nothing wrong with being a tomboy.
I spy one of the school’s soprano ukuleles leaning in the corner of the hall and jog over.
Spinning in my brain is this brand new song, and I have an idea.
With one foot against the wall, I twist my favorite baseball cap backwards and check the clock. Seven minutes until our next class, Hawaiian Culture.
Finding G on the fret board, my fingers settle and with a flick of my wrist, the strings vibrate.
“Faam-i-ly,” I sing softly.
I like how the word rolls, but want to hear it in F.
“FAAM-i-ly.”
Whoaa! That's way too deep - even for me!
My friends hover around. Most of them like my songs, even the boys who consider me as one of them.
“Ho’onani,” a boy calls out, “don’t be late, Kumu Hina has an announcement!”
I nod thanks and strum out the remaining song.
Kumu Hina’s very special. She was born male, but grew up in a time boys couldn’t be girlish. She got bullied a LOT.
But then she learned about our ancestors who, like her, were also people in the middle. One gender outside, another inside.
They were, Mahu, respected as teachers and healers.
Because of her, I’m not teased for being a wahine-kane, tomboy.
Almost everyone accepts me, everyone that is, except my older sister, Kana. The day she understands me will be a Hawaiian miracle.
The bell rings and with a tinge of regret, I leave the ukulele where I found it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a great premise––I think you could tighten up/reword your logline to make it shine even more. Right now the repetition between "boy" and "tomboy" has it falling a little flat. But the idea overall has a ton of potential! As far as the voice within the passage, there's something I'm not quite connecting with. To begin with, content-wise it feels a little like a first draft (apologies if that is not the case), in that there are a LOT of things packed into a short space––ideas that seem like the seeds for a great story, but need a little bit more time to be developed. There's something to be said for packing your first page tightly, but this is too much all at once: the music, the new song, Kumu Hina, the idea of Mahu, the protag's relationship with her sister. This is all really important, but it's way too much to absorb in the first 250 words. In addition there are some things that feel confusing and perhaps a little too adult, such as "that's way too deep, even for me." That's a bit overly self-aware for MG. I'd suggest keeping this passage more in-the-moment, focusing on the protag and the ukelele––perhaps hinting at her relationship with her sister, as simple as "the baseball cap my sister hates"––and let the other information come out over the course of the first few chapters. That will make it easier on your reader, as well as helping the voice feel more MG.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great premise––I think you could tighten up/reword your logline to make it shine even more. Right now the repetition between "boy" and "tomboy" has it falling a little flat. But the idea overall has a ton of potential! As far as the voice within the passage, there's something I'm not quite connecting with. To begin with, content-wise it feels a little like a first draft (apologies if that is not the case), in that there are a LOT of things packed into a short space––ideas that seem like the seeds for a great story, but need a little bit more time to be developed. There's something to be said for packing your first page tightly, but this is too much all at once: the music, the new song, Kumu Hina, the idea of Mahu, the protag's relationship with her sister. This is all really important, but it's way too much to absorb in the first 250 words. In addition there are some things that feel confusing and perhaps a little too adult, such as "that's way too deep, even for me." That's a bit overly self-aware for MG. I'd suggest keeping this passage more in-the-moment, focusing on the protag and the ukelele––perhaps hinting at her relationship with her sister, as simple as "the baseball cap my sister hates"––and let the other information come out over the course of the first few chapters. That will make it easier on your reader, as well as helping the voice feel more MG.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great concept and I love the musical imagery in this opening. But I agree with Erin that there's too much packed in and it keeps us from hearing the MG voice.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion would be not telling us right up front that Ho'onani has this teacher-mentor who can help navigate being a tomboy--it dispels the tension of the story before you even have a chance to build it. Instead, I would start with a moment when Ho'onani is feeling really isolated and "other" maybe by showing us how the sister reacts instead of telling us about it. Let us see Ho'onani longing to lead this all-boys performance and show us the stakes if she attempts it.
I'm also a little confused about whether we're talking about a tomboy here or a transgender child. There's a HUGE difference--referring to the teacher as "born male" but as "she" makes me think we're talking transgender here, so I'm not sure the tomboy label is appropriate, see what I mean (transgender does not equal tomboy)? I think the story has potential either way, but it would be good to be crystal clear in the opening pages and logline and will probably help you get to Ho'onani's authentic MG voice.
Best of luck! I think the setting and the topic are winners!
--Julie (#40)
I really like that you are tackling the issue of someone being "in-between", but then you dial it back by having her be a tom-boy. What if you raised the stakes and had her really feel more comfortable as a boy. Instead of telling us that her older sister doesn't accept her -- could you show it in a scene? Have her be doing something boyish, and have the sister confront her about it. This would let the reader feel the problem more deeply. I agree with the above commenter -- decide if we are talking transgender or tomboy. Nice work though, I like her already.
ReplyDeleteI am confused. This is non-fiction? I like the term "people in the middle"
ReplyDeleteI really like the details and the opening of the scene. You definitely pulled me in. However, I would say that the voice sounds more YA than MG. I could see myself as a 16yo in this opening. Love what you've got so far though and that it's nonfiction. Good luck!
ReplyDelete