TITLE: Adventures With Auntie Mischief
GENRE: MG - Fantasy
A big brother learns he has a powerful magic, that if he does not learn to control, will get him in a lot of trouble, all while keeping his precocious little brother safe and out of the clutches of a sinister organization bent on taking that magic for themselves.
There’s nothing worse than an itch you can’t scratch.
Joshua clucked and coughed, gagged and grimaced, as he rubbed his tongue against the roof of his mouth. If only he could get at that annoying tickle. He finally attacked it with a carrot stick. Then the tickle moved around like it was trying to escape.
Joshua growled in frustration. It seemed getting rid of this tickle was going to be impossible. He knew what it meant too. Somewhere in this crowded house, among the many family and friends attending Christmas dinner was a secret conversation. He was sure of it. First the roof of his mouth would tickle, then itch, then he’d happen to find himself in just the right place to hear it. Then there would be trouble. Grown-up conversations are for grown-ups, not children. But he didn’t mean to eavesdrop. It wasn’t his fault, really. It was the tickle. It was almost impossible to ignore. It was like it called to him and he couldn't help himself.
"Joshua," his father said, as he walked by, three drinks in his hand. "Where's your brother?"
Joshua shrugged. His father frowned for a moment but then smiled as his guest took their drinks. When he looked back at his son, his frown had returned.
"Remember what we talked about."
Joshua sighed but nodded. He looked around the room for Brandon.
Ignoring this tickle was only the second impossible task he'd been assigned today. The other was even harder.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The MG voice feels very real and engaging. I love the link between his tickling-mouth-sensation and secrets. It's just enough magic to get the reader hooked, yet allow for the reader to discover Joshua's powers along with him. Reminds me of Harry Potter in that way.
ReplyDeleteMy only critique is that the logline doesn't have the same oomph as the actual story. Fortunately, you'll have the chance to flesh that out a bit more in a query.
Sorry to be a downer, but
ReplyDeleteI think your tag line should touch of the magic. There is little to make the idea seem original right now.
And the start doesn't pull me in. It's like he's got a hairball or something. I'm not interested. Get him interacting. Have a cute girl/guy notice and comment. Have him doing something active. A secret conversation doesn't create tension. It could be a dozen minor things.
The voice is good, but my dislike of the narrative stops me from becoming immersed in it.
I think you've found your MG voice. All the descriptions of the tickle and it moving around and motivating him seemed real to me. When I read the first sentence though I thought should the author start with a cliche? But I think it works because you build on it. I'm very intrigued and would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree the logline needs some work. I don't think big brother is good. Find another descriptor for him. You talk about the little brother later so that would automatically make him a big brother.
I love your story! More, more!
I think you've found your MG voice. All the descriptions of the tickle and it moving around and motivating him seemed real to me. When I read the first sentence though I thought should the author start with a cliche? But I think it works because you build on it. I'm very intrigued and would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree the logline needs some work. I don't think big brother is good. Find another descriptor for him. You talk about the little brother later so that would automatically make him a big brother.
I love your story! More, more!
I think this is a fun premise - his mouth tickles when people are talking about him - at least that is what I got...
ReplyDeleteThe "clucked, coughed, gagged and grimaced" sort of pulled me out of the story for a second - maybe more than is needed.
I would keep reading.