TITLE: Banished
GENRE: YA fantasy
In a world twisted by the dna wars a young warrior must learn to control her changing mutation while surviving the monsters of her nightmares as she tries to reach the free city.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
LOVED this logline -- when is your book coming out so I can read this story? My only edits are really nitpicky. 1) I think you could get away with capitalizing The DNA Wars. 2) "the monsters of her nightmares" almost, just a little bit, makes me think they're in her head, but I think based on the rest of the logline you mean they're monsters she has to fight through to get to the free city. So, I'm torn on this one. Take this with a grain of salt because I'm not sure anyone else will feel the same way as I'm a very literal communicator and tend to interpret things more literally than others do. In fact some people may really like the word "nightmare" being in there as it is a very mood-charged word to help set the tone of your story. I think it's a tad vague, though. Regardless, if this nitpick resonates with you, I think it could be adjusted with some sort of clarification. Instead of "of her nightmares" maybe "surviving the monsters of the dead plains" as she tries to reach the free city. (or whatever the scary stretch of land / sea is called in your story that she must cross to reach the free city.) Both of my comments are minor and did not take away from my enjoyment of the logline, if I saw your logline as is on the back of a book, I'd definitely read the first chapter and maybe even buy it out right. Just my 2 cents!
ReplyDeleteThis is out of order which makes it confusing. It sounds like her goal is to reach the free city. Why? What does she have to lose if she doesn't make it there by X date or time? Finally, please give her a name and age. "Young" means very different things to different people.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
DNA should be capitalized and as mad-hat-ink said you could probably capitalize wars too. Since this is YA, you need the age like 17-year-old...Are the monsters the conflict to get her to free city? What's so awesome about free city?
ReplyDeleteI think you should state why she needs to reach the free city, other than that I like it.
ReplyDeleteYes, why does she need to get to the free city? Is there someone there who can help her with her mutation? Also, "monsters" and "nightmares" are vague. Maybe give us a better idea of what that's all about. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou've done an amazing job of saying a lot in a few words. I'd actually love a little more detail. I have an idea about DNA wars and her mutation, but could you expand regarding the monsters (or the nightmares if she actually dreams of them) and the free city?
ReplyDeleteShort, sweet, and intriguing. I like it! I do agree with the above comments in regards to explaining why the free city is so critical to her.
ReplyDeleteShort, sweet, and intriguing. I like it! I do agree with the above comments in regards to explaining why the free city is so critical to her.
ReplyDeleteDNA needs to be in caps, and I'd give a bit more detail about why she needs to reach the 'free city,' (what will happen if she doesn't) but a great story idea!
ReplyDelete