TITLE: Two Sisters Woods
GENRE: MG Adventure
To save her magical family, Toby Harris, a 12-year-old girl, must prove that they didn't cast a spell on a pack of wolves suspected of killing a little boy, but it's kinda tough to argue gnawed human bones.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Sets up an intriguing "magical mystery."
ReplyDeleteIt sounds interesting. I think you can simplify it and clarify a few things. It is redundant to say she's a 12-year-old-girl since you specify her gender with "her" when you say "To save her magical family". I would try to combine the thoughts. "When her magical family is blamed casting a spell that lead to a local boy's death, 12-year-old Toby must (______________) to prove their innocence." I also think you should change up the last line to indicate danger to Toby herself (possibly mention the wolves here?) Otherwise it just seems circular and like her efforts are pointless. "You can't argue with gnawed human bones" is a statement that feels like she shouldn't even bother. But if you rephrase it to be more about her having to face down wolves to prove their innocence, and play up the danger of the situation, and end it there, I think it will land with more energy at the end. Just my 2 cents!
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I think maybe just say "a young girl" or "a (descriptive) young girl". It is easy to get too wordy when we are just trying to get someone intrigued. Also, I would leave off the "but it's kinda tough to argue gnawed human bones."
ReplyDeleteTo save her family, a young witch must prove that they weren't responsible for casting a spell on a pack of wolves accused of eating a little boy.
I do not agree with dropping her name or age. These specifics are important to connecting us to her. I do think you need to get rid of the "but it's kinda tough to argue gnawed human bones" and replace it with some obstacles. We need to know why proving their innocence is going to be difficult and what she has to lose if she fails. Saving them is too vague. Will they go to jail? Die?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Since "a twelve-year-old girl" is tripping people up, you might consider rearranging some of those words: "To save her magical family, twelve-year-old Toby Harris must prove..." Toby will still be the subject of the sentence, so the introductory clause will still make sense.
ReplyDeleteDitto to what's been said, only adding that "suspected" kills the tension. What will happen if she doesn't prove her family innocent? Will they be feed to the wolves? ;)
ReplyDeleteWho must she prove this to and what are the consequences if she does not?
ReplyDeleteWelll, you clearly have tension knocked! And I think that intrigue could be upped in the log line. For instance, a young boy is dead and the towns people are clamoring for blood. The blood of her magical family, etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteSome other questions you might want to answer in the log line are – Why is it up to her and not the whole family to prove their innocence? Why is her family being accused of this murder? And what is her biggest challenge proving they didn't do it?
Good luck!
In a weird way, the last sentence almost sounds comical ... not sure you want it to feel that way. I want to know who she needs to 'prove' herself to, and what the consequences are if she fails.
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