TITLE: The truth about Paris
GENRE: YA Contemporary, Romance
Hana comes to Paris to escape her overprotective mum and to study but learns a life lesson and finds love. When mum comes for her, Hana will have to say goodbye to her plans for the future and the gorgeous neighbour.
Miss Snark's First Victim
It has all the parts it's suppose to have, but I think it needs more punch. Rather than say learns a life lesson can you intimate what that might be or what happens to make it happen? The second sentence sounds like it happens after the lesson. It feels disconnected.
ReplyDeleteWe are missing a goal here. What does she actually want from Paris? A job? Love? And is mum the only one standing in her way? If so, what does she need to do to convince mum to let her stay?
ReplyDeleteI would not use the term "a life lesson". It is too vague and too afterschool-special.
Good luck!
Holly
I worry that "Hana will have to say goodbye to her plans for the future and the gorgeous neighbor" gives too much away (and also makes it sound like this is going to be a frustrating read). Is there a way you could word it that would set up the choice instead of giving it away?
ReplyDeleteForgive me, but the log line makes the story sound very generic, which I'm sure it's not.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the word "overprotective" was there for a specific reason. How did this overprotectiveness manifest itself? Did Hana go from a boring atmosphere to one of dancing all night? Was her mother overprotective for a reason that was unknown to her daughter? Why did her mother let Hana go at this point?
Even more importantly, why did her mother come take her back?
And to quote Tina Turner, what's love got to do with it? Paris and love, they are paired together often. Did Hannah find love in an unusual place? Was this love over-the-top even for Paris? Or did she find a quiet kind of love from an unexpected type of man?
I guess the question is this. What was your purpose for including love in your story?
I look forward to reading your book… Good luck!
Romance in Paris, yes! If your genre is romance, then to me, I feel like that should be front and center. Your logline isn't showcasing romance enough. I'd move the fact she found love in Paris more toward the beginning. That's more important than "studying" or even the life lesson. The mom interfering is very important, the "obstacle" and her choice is to obey or disobey her mom. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI would be more specific about the "life lesson" she learns. She "finds love" sounds a little too easy. What would be the conflict before they do find love? Otherwise, I love the setting.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your constructive comments, they were very helpful and I really appreciate them. I've re-written the log line like this:
ReplyDeleteAfter Hana’s brother dies, her mum wants to protect Hana at all cost. Hana manages to convince mum to let her enrol in a summer course in Paris but she’s afraid if she told mum about her dreams to study there, she wouldn’t let her go. In Paris, an unexpected friendship quietly becomes more but when Hana’s mum discovers her lies and comes for her, Hana's dreams of fashion design study and her new love become threatened.
What do you think?
It sounds like her outer goal is to study fashion design in Paris and finding this summer course is what sets her on her way to it. Does this story start with her finding this course and then convincing her mum to let her go? If so, you should start with that and then use her mum and what happened to her brother as the obstacle to her remaining there. You can add the love interest as a stake, but she didn't go to find love so you don't want that to become her goal.
DeleteI like the idea of your story, but I need a few juicy details to reel me in!
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