TITLE: This Eden Called Warsaw
GENRE: Adult Literary
Thirty-one days after his father’s death, Motl Rajsman set out for a barber in the Muranów. For a moment he wavered. His eyes watered, and he wiped them with the scratchy sleeve of his coat. He was split between two worlds: the life he had known with his Hasidic father and what was to come without Hersh’s strict oversight of the family. His father had always been confident that there was only one proper way of life.
The air was frigid as he marched up Nalewki Street, but he paused when he caught his reflection in the illuminated windows of an indoor marketplace. Overall, he was pleased with the potential he saw. At almost two meters, Motl was many centimeters taller than his friends from his religious school and even his classmates from the state-mandated primary school he had finished four years ago. Black curled sidelocks tickled his large ears. His face sprouted a scraggly black beard. He wore a square black velvet hat, a long black jacket, a stiff collared white shirt, black trousers, and scuffed black slip-on shoes. Last month, he had torn his jacket over his heart to demonstrate his grief according to custom, but his clothes bordered on shabby anyway; the lining peeked out of his coat along the frayed hem. He smiled, and the reflection showed him two rows of straight teeth. Ready for change, he turned right into a courtyard, and entered the barbershop.
He was almost overcome by the bracing smell of cologne.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow. A huge change in store for your character. You have me wondering why he's about to abandon the traditions he grew up with, and how he'll struggle with his new life while parts of him will wrestle internally with his religious upbringing. I think you got a little too bogged down describing the Hasidic uniform, but I've read literary novels that used up two pages to describe a single thing, so you're probably fine.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment! This is exactly what the book is about, so I'm glad it was clear. I can see how the description is long, but I thought it would be good to show him before he made his big change. Maybe I can cut it down a bit, though. Again, much appreciated!
DeleteIs there a way to follow you? I'd love to read this book once it's published.
DeleteOh my gosh - I'm so honored, and glad you are truly hooked! I'm on twitter at @suzannereisman if you use that. I'll follow you, too. If not, do you use facebook?
DeleteI'm following you on Twitter now.
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DeleteLove this! Only tiny comment is to give a sense of What that potential is that he sees - presumably beneath the religious garb? What makes him smile so he can see those fabulous teeth? But overall, fab!
ReplyDeleteThanks - this is very helpful!
DeleteI like the first line. I think you can probably trim the last line of the first paragraph. Also, the first line of the second paragraph confused me as I didn't understand how the air being frigid related to him pausing and looking in the window. You may also want to tighten the description in the second paragraph. Eg. after "taller than his friends" just put a period and get rid of the rest of the sentence. Unless his friends would, for some reason, be radically different from him, the rest of that sentence can be inferred by the reader. I also really liked the last sentence of the first page. Good bookends.
ReplyDeleteThank you - these suggestions are very helpful. Much appreciated!
DeleteAnd let's go Cubs!
I'm not a fan of instant character description and the trick in the mirror has been overdone. The writing is good, but based on what I've read so far, I wasn't hooked. I'd be more interested to see what happens in the barber shop.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've been worried about describing him like that, but I felt it was important to know what he looked like before he changed, and I thought this might be an exception to the rule since I do think a person about to make a big appearance change would stop to see himself one last time. But if it isn't interesting to the reader, it doesn't matter. If you have any suggestions to get around this, I'm interested in your thoughts. Thank you!
DeleteI like the first sentence here. The second sentence catches me off guard. "For a moment he wavered" - but where is he when he wavers? Outside the door to the barber shop? Standing in the street?
ReplyDeleteSomething nitpicky, I also wonder if instead of saying "He was split between two worlds" - you might want to focus more on how he feels "He felt split between two words" - because that explains more to us about his crying, especially when it's clearly his choice to be in this situation.
I love the first sentence of the next paragraph, but was confused by "indoor marketplace" especially re: the setting - it made me stop to wonder "were there indoor marketplaces in this small town?" - you might want to just say "market" or "grocer" - I think we could also get some of this description of his garb while he's sitting in the barber's chair - wouldn't there be a mirror there?
Otherwise I'm definitely intrigued and I'd read on!
Thanks for entering!
Thank you so much for your feedback. Yes, I love the idea of moving the description part to the barber shop. It makes so much sense. As does changing the was split to felt split. So much better. Thank you again!
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