TITLE: DONOR
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
I wasn’t sure how much longer I could listen to the constant drumming of the Operator’s fingertips against the limousine’s leather seats. The man had eyes so beady that he reminded me of a rat, curled in his corner and observing the faces of the four remaining passengers — my father, our guards Sergei and Clifton, and myself — without so much as blinking. While he appeared to scrutinize every one of us, his stare held mine for a moment longer than necessary.
“While you will be spending nearly a month in their presence,” he said, “it is important to remember that no bonds of any sort should be formed with the patients. Despite how life-like they may appear, please remember that t he patients are far from human. They exist for one purpose and one purpose alone.” Each individual word was spoken like a sentence, enunciated to the last point. I couldn’t help but spare a glance at my father, sure that he wouldn’t appreciate the Operator speaking as though we were unforgivably inept.
“I assure you,” my father’s voice cut through the air like a whip. It was thick with an obnoxious sort of pride he liked to use whenever he was attempting to sound official. Every time I heard it, I couldn’t help but gag a little. “That will not be an issue. We are well informed on the patients. I am, after all, one reason Donor exists in this capacity, Charles.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
This intrigues me. The general feel of the piece makes me want to read more to understand what exactly 'Doner' is. The only thing I would say is that there's a small typographical error in the second paragraph: there's a space between the 't' and 'he' in 'the patients. Not a huge deal though, and easily corrected. I'm certainly guilty of similar things myself.
ReplyDeleteThis is very intriguing with a strong YA voice. I love YA sci-fi and I was interested in just who these patients were and wanted to know more about what 'Donor' is. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is strong and good writing. The inkling's of the concepts of Operator and Donor are interesting. I currently don't have much to add by way of criticism. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this several times, I get the feeling this is not quite the right starting place. I just didn’t connect with the character and his place in the scene. He didn’t interact with anyone. He had no external dialogue and very little emotion about the conversation he overheard. Is the MC a donor? If so, why is calling the man “father”?
ReplyDeleteI just felt too confused. Perhaps that was the intent. Confusion is fine, especially in suspense. It just felt like I was tossed straight into the story without an introduction of the real POV I’m going to be following for the next 300 or so pages.
Also…that second paragraph is heavy. The first four lines are monologue. I’d try breaking it up some with action or setting.
I like the premise, for sure. I think you can tighten it up though.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you can cut this part out:
the faces of the four remaining passengers — my father, our guards Sergei and Clifton, and myself — without so much as blinking. While he appeared to scrutinize every one of us, his stare held mine for a moment longer than necessary.
And/or, break up the next paragraph. I like how he "gags" on his father's voice. I have a feeling I will like this MC of yours.
I like the mystery of the Donor, the operator, and the guards (why are they there, is my first question, which you haven't answered here and that's good).
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things that I think need work.
Firstly, I agree with Ely Azure: you shouldn't have great chunks of dialogue, like an info dump. Break it up, and then subtly and seamlessly introduce physical descriptions with the dialogue.
Secondly, be careful of your cliches - beady rat eyes, my father’s voice cut through the air like a whip.
Find another way to introduce all the characters in the car - "four remaining passengers — my father, our guards Sergei and Clifton, and myself" - is too clumsy.
Despite all this, there is a great voice in there, and what sounds like an interesting sci-fi concept.
I'm confused by who is speaking in the second sentence. When I first read it I thought it was her father speaking, not the Operator - who seems to be driving the car. Why would he be speaking? He's just a limo driver. This confused me.
ReplyDeleteAnd it seems a really strong reaction that your main character should gag EVERY time she/he hears her father speak a certain way. You might want to soften it because it comes across as a bit too dramatic to me. I also don't know much about the main character - how old is he/she? Boy/girl?
Otherwise I'm definitely curious as to who these mysterious "patients" are and why they're "far from human"!
Thanks for entering!