TITLE: DANGEROUS PLAY
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Best friends and soccer all-stars Ashton, Jesse, and Z are on opposite sides of a prank text that spirals into a vicious social war and escalates to serious injury. When a common rival pits them against each other, threatening to destroy their friendship and futures, they must take him down—together.
I’ve been pantsed. Again.
And I wouldn’t be so annoyed if this wasn’t the third time today. Or if I wasn’t standing in the middle of Hollister. With Hot Register Girl. In Batman boxers.
I hate my friends.
Hot Register Girl blushes as I pull up my shorts. “Sorry about that.” I scratch my nose with my middle finger at my friends. Z’s holding up a turquoise shirt that reads If you’re hot, I’m single. “This goes great with Ashton’s boxers, yeah?” he asks.
Yep. I hate them.
“You play for Penn Ridge, right?” Hot Register Girl points a pen at Z. He waggles his eyebrows, charm oozing off of him like cologne off a Hollister model. “Your friend scored a hat trick on my ex three weeks ago. He was totally pissed.”
“So is he,” I say. Her brow scrunches. “Tonight’s the midnight release of Urgent Fury Five. We’re hitting up GameStop and heading to my buddy’s for a shoot-em-up Zombie fest. He’s ticked I asked you out. Bros before hos, and all.”
Z’s words, but did I seriously say that aloud? I want to sucker punch my own nuts. No wonder I’ve never had a girlfriend.
I’m ready to bail when she tuts. “Movie’s out by then. I’m done at nine. Meet me here?”
“Sure.” I fumble for my phone. My next question’s bound to be a date-killer. “What’s your name again? I was too mesmerized by your beauty to concentrate.”
Z would be proud of that one.
Miss Snark's First Victim
My son is only 10 and pantsing is big in his year, so I can see this trajectory for his classmates. I think the premise of this book is timely and likely something many kids are struggling with. I liked the tone. It felt authentic, and that's essential when writing any book but especially when you want to attract the male readers who are underserved in the market. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGREAT voice to start out with, feels pretty spot-on. I will say, however, that Ashton started out as a very likable/sympathetic character, but the last few lines turned me off. I'm hoping Hot Register Girl gives him a snappy comeback on the next page!
ReplyDeleteI was drawn in immediately. Loved the voice and I laughed twice! Maybe because I don't know much about soccer but if I hadn't read your log line, I wouldn't have known it was soccer you meant and I don't know what a hat trick is. So maybe say you play soccer at Penn? Also, I'm feeling confused. Maybe I missed it. But it sounds like he's asking her to midnight movie. Then she says the movie is out be then, pick me up at 9. Once that was clarified, I'd read more of this!
ReplyDeleteGood premise and your voice shines off the page. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWhat I'd work on:
- For your international audience (yours truly) I'm not too clear on Hollister. I assume a department store? Perhaps that could be made clearer. One or two lines on setting would help me to visualise the scene easier.
- Z’s holding up a turquoise shirt that reads If you’re hot, I’m single. “This goes great with Ashton’s boxers, yeah?” he asks. This confused me. I couldn't quite make the link between Batman boxers and being single.
- I agree with Jill. "Bros before hos, and all" is pretty harsh, and she would have to be Hot Stupid Girl to fall for that.
- Also, "mesmerized by your beauty" really doesn't click with his voice. I know he's putting it on, but it sounds seriously out of character and I would choose another word.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this.
One of my favourite lines - "Z’s words, but did I seriously say that aloud? I want to sucker punch my own nuts. No wonder I’ve never had a girlfriend."
All the best!
Actually, the hat trick is your clue that it's soccer. If you end up taking that out, you'll need to put set it up so that the reader knows they're soccer players. I think your voice and dialogue are great, and I'm around boys that age who play soccer.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the following paragraph a few times to make sense of it: “So is he,” I say. Her brow scrunches. “Tonight’s the midnight release of Urgent Fury Five. We’re hitting up GameStop and heading to my buddy’s for a shoot-em-up Zombie fest. He’s ticked I asked you out. Bros before hos, and all.”
I think it would have been easier for me to understand if you'd split it into three paragraphs: MC, girl's reaction, MC.
Also, as realistic as Ashton's last line to the girl is, it doesn't make me like him. I'm raising two teenage girls right now, and I'm constantly pushing back at a culture that tells them that their self-worth should be determined by the opinions of teenage boys.
Wishing you luck! I'm all for more stories about soccer players.
I had mixed fèelings here. I found the characters' actual words to be YA, and yet they came off MG to me. I think it was because it started with him being pantsed, which seems more MG than YA.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was confused in the parg that started "And so is he." I had to read it several times to figure out who was speaking, and who they were speaking to, or about.
The hat trick also threw me. I know they have hat tricks in hockey, but they were playing soccer, which I know very little about.
Overall, it's an interesting premise, but could perhaps use more clarification.
Seems a bit overdone - trying too hard. In one page you have all this:
ReplyDeletewaggles, charm oozing, hat trick, totally pissed, scrunches, sucker punch, my own nuts, tuts, date-killer, mesmerized
Also, many capitalized words: Hollister, Hot Register Girl, Batman, Z, Penn Ridge, Urgent Fury Five, GameStop, Zombie. This is a lot for one first page, especially when your audience doesn’t know what or where or who some of these things are.
“Bros before hos” - really?
Also, “Hot Register Girl” makes me dislike the protagonist.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot to like about this interchange, and the set up, including your narrator's voice. There is definitely a chronology issue with the movie and the Girl, but that's an easy fix. I also agree with others that the exchange is just slightly overdone. Perhaps tone it down a bit (specifically axing the "bros before hos line), and save some of the good lines for later. I'm also not getting a sense of the conflict or where the story is going just in this first page (aside from having read the logline). That said, I'd keep reading simply because of the humorous set up between the friends.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn. I like this, but I'm confused. The beginning reads (to me) younger like MG, but then as we move on it sounds older. I was a tad confused by the movies out line.
ReplyDeleteUGH! I'm having major keyboard/mouse issues.
This is quick and snappy and I like his Batman underwear. Has he really had his pants pulled down three times in one day? Why do boys even get up in the morning? Your protagonist says several things that make me not like him, and if the goal is to get the reader to like him, I would cut out some of the sexist thinking (although if your audience is boys, then I may be wrong). I also didn't get some of the references (Hollister).
ReplyDeleteI like the premise and the voice is good, however, I've reread it several times. Did he ask her out? Or was that meant to be a cute sarcastic date request? I'd tighten the writing so it's more clear. Then, he makes the comment, bro's before ho's, and it seems off. Could be just me, but I'd suggest having someone unfamiliar with the story read the dialogue out loud to you. As the author, you know the characters and story well, and have read it so many times it flows/pauses/etc. in all the right places when you read it. Listen for the stumbles, watch the expression of your reader, and you'll find the fix it needs. Good luck!
ReplyDelete