TITLE: Undercurrents
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
In a world when water is more precious than oil, fifteen year-old Marin Holbert takes a summer job to earn more water rations for her family; there she inadvertently uncovers a plot to take over water resources across the country and must find a way stop it.
The water level in the cistern was low. Too low. And no amount of checking the gauge ever changed that, or the fact that I hadn't had a real shower or done a proper load of laundry in months. Despite myself, I stared at the gauge anyway.
Grandma caught me. "A watched cistern never fills, Marin" she warned.
It never seemed to fill, watched or not, I thought.
“Did you know that when I was a girl it rained every afternoon at this time of year?” Grandma asked. I wasn’t meant to answer. Grandma herself was like a fountain that just kept spouting stories and recycling them. She continued, “Not that it mattered – we washed our clothes or took a shower any time we wanted.”
I glanced over at her on the couch. I loved my grandma. I really did. But if she hadn’t moved in with us last spring, I might have had a better chance at more than just clean underwear. I sometimes wished she would’ve just stayed put in Tucson, even though no one was staying put in Tucson. Or anywhere in Arizona. Or Nevada. Or Texas. Yet that was beside the point. I didn’t need Grandma’s fountain of stories. I needed real water.
“Sounds nice, Grandma,” I answered.
She put her ancient book, one actually made of paper, on her lap. “It was,” she said, her eyes not looking at me anymore, but inside her memory to a time when water just flowed and nobody thought much about it. Her dreams were probably decadent.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow. Powerful start to the story. Dialogue is tight and your use of metaphors strong. I'm left with lots of questions (including what she might have a chance at if grandma's not around), what's happening in society, etc. Totally believable. I'd consider tightening the pitch itself. Perhaps getting rid of the semi-colon? Maybe putting a period there, instead, and continuing with "When she uncovers a plot....she must find a way to stop it." I want to read the rest!
ReplyDeleteGreat start and the metaphors are well done (and not overdone). The pitch started good but the end didn't feel strong enough, especially after reading the opener. I'm not convinced she would want to stop it. Maybe a more personal reason for stopping it Or what will happen if she doesn't stop it.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing premise and strong writing. I love how you use the interaction with grandma to set up the worldbuilding in an engaging way--that pulled me into the story immediately. Wishing you much success with this!
ReplyDeleteI definitely enjoy the strong voice and the premise enough to want to keep reading! I learned a lot about this world from Marin's interaction with Grandma, which is so much more enjoyable than long descriptions. The dialogue and characters felt natural and genuine. The logline is interesting but I think it would grab me more if I knew what the personal stakes are for Marin if she tries to stop the plot. Maybe something specific about the antagonist? Or what Marin has to do to stop the plot? Is her life in danger?
ReplyDeleteGreat start! I'd love to read more. Good luck to you!
I enjoyed this excerpt. I has a great, plausible premise and strong writing. I like how you used Marin's conversation with her grandmother to build the world for us using efficient, light strokes. Nicely done. Personally, I'd avoid using "In a world" in a logline. It's considered cliche in the same way that "what if" openers are. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe voice is so clear here and there are some lovely lines ("... inside her memory to a time when water just flowed and nobody thought much about it.") Just lovely. Also a very interesting premise. Love the tension in the logline, would definitely read more. Fantastic job.
ReplyDeletePart 1:
ReplyDeleteIn a world when water is more precious than oil, fifteen year-old Marin Holbert takes a summer job to earn more water rations for her family; there she inadvertently uncovers a plot to take over water resources across the country and must find a way stop it.
This is intriguing, but runs into a common problem with ‘must find a way to stop it.’ It’s a very generic ending to the pitch, where personalizing the problem can help punch it up. It really starts with the adverb ‘inadvertently’ (which isn’t needed. Adverbs rarely are, and in a pitch where you have such limited words, adding an adverb is to be avoided at all costs).
That gives us:
there she uncovers a plot to take over water resources across the country and must find a way stop it.
‘across the country’ becomes the next little stumbling block. 1) it’s kind of implied in the genre: ‘big problem somewhere’ so wasting the words isn’t helping the flow into the ‘climax’ of the pitch. 2) it’s wordy and interrupts the flow:
there she uncovers a plot to take over water resources and must find a way stop it.
Then we get to the end. ‘must find a way to stop it’ Well, of course she must, that’s why there’s a story. But WHY must she? Why can’t someone else? Why is HER ability/knowledge base/whatever so vitally important that no one else might be able to solve it. If Felix Buttonwheezer had been given the same job, and learned the same information, would he have been able to ‘stop it’? No, else we’d be reading Felix’s story. So, this is Marin specific. How?
What does she need to do? She needs to stop ‘them’ (whoever ‘they’ are) from taking over water resources.
How?
Why?
Is there a time deadline? Is there a cabal of evil water corporate execs hunting her?
You’ve got one sentence to really knock it out of the park. And half the sentence is mostly there:
there she uncovers a plot to take over water resources and
what happens then?
The water level in the cistern was low. Too low. And no amount of checking the gauge ever changed that, or the fact that I hadn't had a real shower or done a proper load of laundry in months. Despite myself, I stared at the gauge anyway.
Grandma caught me. "A watched cistern never fills, Marin" she warned.
It never seemed to fill, watched or not, I thought.
“Did you know that when I was a girl it rained every afternoon at this time of year?” Grandma asked. I wasn’t meant to answer. Grandma herself was like a fountain that just kept spouting stories and recycling them. She continued, “Not that it mattered – we washed our clothes or took a shower any time we wanted.”
I glanced over at her on the couch. I loved my grandma. I really did. But if she hadn’t moved in with us last spring, I might have had a better chance at more than just clean underwear. I sometimes wished she would’ve just stayed put in Tucson, even though no one was staying put in Tucson. Or anywhere in Arizona. Or Nevada. Or Texas. Yet that was beside the point. I didn’t need Grandma’s fountain of stories. I needed real water.
“Sounds nice, Grandma,” I answered.
She put her ancient book, one actually made of paper, on her lap. “It was,” she said, her eyes not looking at me anymore, but inside her memory to a time when water just flowed and nobody thought much about it. Her dreams were probably decadent.
ReplyDeleteThis is really showing us so much in such a limited number of words. ‘Her dreams were probably decadent’ Oh, my…who uses ‘decadent’ in that way. Just lovely. And provides a ton of optimism for the rest of the novel. So, starting at the top:
‘She warned’ isn’t needed. Also, nothing but ‘said’ or, sometimes, ‘asked’ or, even fewer times, ‘whispered’ should EVER be used. Ever. But, as for why it’s not needed: the ‘beat’ in this sentence is ‘Grandma caught me.’ So the reader knows that anything said in this sentence will be spoken by Grandma. (even ignoring the fact that Grandma uses Marin’s name in the dialogue). Dialogue tags can get overused, so winnowing out those where you’re doubling up on a beat is a good start.
The line with “I thought” could, if you wanted, be turned to italics to imply ‘thought’ (personal preference to my way of thinking but other people might have more/less problems with it)
“Did you know that when I was a girl it rained every afternoon at this time of year?”
You should be reading the entire novel out loud, to see how it flows, to spot any issues you miss reading it silently. But especially dialogue. While the word ‘that’ is, almost always, grammatically correct, it serves as a stumbling block to the flow in a lot of cases. Especially dialogue since people rarely speak grammatically correct (Authoress excepted, of course).
I once beta read a novel and did a Search on the word ‘that.’ 300 page novel. Over 1150 uses of ‘that.’ All grammatically correct. Mostly completely not needed…
“Did you know that when I was a girl it rained every afternoon at this time of year?” Grandma asked. I wasn’t meant to answer. Grandma herself was like a fountain that just kept spouting stories and recycling them. She continued, “Not that it mattered – we washed our clothes or took a shower any time we wanted.”
Might be able to make ‘I wasn’t meant to answer’ a new paragraph. Why? Because 2) the dialogue should be separate and 3) then you can kill off ‘she continued’ which really needs to die. So it’d be:
Part 3: (sorry...)
ReplyDelete“Did you know that when I was a girl it rained every afternoon at this time of year?” Grandma asked.
I wasn’t meant to answer. Grandma herself was like a fountain that just kept spouting stories and recycling them.
“Not that it mattered,” Grandma said. “we washed our clothes or took a shower any time we wanted.”
I glanced over at her on the couch. I loved my grandma. I really did. But if she hadn’t moved in with us last spring, I might have had a better chance at more than just clean underwear. I sometimes wished she would’ve just stayed put in Tucson, even though no one was staying put in Tucson. Or anywhere in Arizona. Or Nevada. Or Texas. Yet that was beside the point. I didn’t need Grandma’s fountain of stories. I needed real water.
“Sounds nice, Grandma,” I answered.
The dialogue: ‘sounds nice, Grandma’ (which is lovely, though ‘I answered’ isn’t necessary since there’s no one else around who could have spoken that line) should be immediately after Grandma’s dialogue so you’re not splitting up ‘point/counter-point’ Then go into her glancing at the couch which has such wonderful world building in it. Though since you use the line ‘fountain of stories’ you should really say ‘I needed a fountain of water’ rather than ‘I needed real water.’
I know: no repeating words in prose, but sometimes breaking a rule works, so long as you know the rules
Since you might have now switched those lines as mentioned above, when you go into the final paragraph, there’s a point/counter-point problem with ‘Sounds nice, Grandma’ being before the paragraph above. So when you get to the final paragraph, you’ll need to fix it:
She put her ancient book, one actually made of paper, on her lap. “It was,” she said, her eyes not looking at me anymore, but inside her memory to a time when water just flowed and nobody thought much about it. Her dreams were probably decadent.
Simply by adding ‘nice’ to ‘it was’ (So Grandma’s line becomes ‘It was nice.’) ties it back to Marin saying ‘Sounds nice, Grandma.’ And I think having ‘sounds nice, grandma,’ closer to what Grandma says before is more important than that it’s closer to ‘it was’ which isn’t as important of a line of dialogue.
And then it all ends tied up so well in that decadent dream. The writing is pretty crisp, flowing, and enticing, the story is well set up, the world is fascinating. I’d like more about Marin and Grandma but, benefit of the doubt: You didn’t have much word count to work with here so I’ll assume that comes elsewhere in the book…which I’m looking forward to reading someday.
I love the voice in your opening. I'd pick this up and read it.
ReplyDeleteIf you know the year your story is set it, you could tighten your hook to, "In [YEAR], fifteen year-old Marin Holbert takes a summer job to earn more water rations for her family; there she inadvertently uncovers a plot to take over water resources across the country and must find a way stop it." The rest of your hook demonstrates the importance of water, which makes the first part of your hook redundant.
Wishing you luck!
Love the premise! I think there is a little bit of tightening that can happen in some places to punch up the impact of the language a bit. The "Despite myself" in the first paragraph doesn't seem to be quite the right phrase to use there, and you can probably cut the "I thought" in paragraph 4. Since this is a first person POV, it's obvious that it's her thought. There are some lovely lines in here (comparing her grandmother to a fountain works very well), with just a few adjustments this would be spot-on.
ReplyDeleteYour excerpt sucked me in and begged me to keep reading. I absolutely LOVE all the water analogies and your writing is strong; your dialogue authentic. Sorry I don't have much helpful feedback in terms of what you could strengthen! I really liked this! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe premise in your log line pulled me in. The writing is done well, and I loved that last line - Her dreams were probably decadent.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet the page doesn't do a lot for me as a reader, and I think it's because she's bewailing clean clothes. If this is the situation she was born into, how often would she have really had clean clothes or a shower? And in a world where water is so scarce they have to count on rain, wouldn't there be bigger issues to worry about? To me, it just seems the problem presented - a shower and clean clothes -is too inconsequential. Could she need that water for something more substantial? Maybe their garden - which is their main source of food - is dying because of lack of water. Or they can't keep up with chores because they're always in a state of dehydration? If people in the SW are abandoning their homes, it makes her complaining about clean clothes seem small and petty. I think the page would be stronger if her situation/problem was a bit more dire.
Cut the phrase: "Despite myself." It's word clutter - the sentence is much stronger without it. (Improve the pacing and gives that paragraph-ending sentence a punch it didn't have.)
ReplyDeleteYour fourth paragraph is the weakest - too detailed and it ruins the pacing. Cut it to one point, something like: "“Did you know that when I was a girl it rained every afternoon at this time of year?” Grandma said.
MAYBE one more sentence here, but that's it.
Very interesting. Dystopian YA appeals to me, and the worry about fresh water is very real. Would enjoy reading more.
ReplyDeleteNice entry! I
ReplyDeletesaw Peter gave you lots of comments! He rocks, doesn't he? :)
I'd totally keep reading. :) For some reason, at first I'd thought this would be set in another world, but then I saw you named Arizona and Tucson, etc. So I started to wonder, if this is our world in the future or something, then why can't they treat the seawater and make it drinkable? And then maybe carry it in pipes/trucks whatever? Okay, you don't need to answer that in the first page, of course, but I'm just letting you know what I was thinking while I was reading.
Anyway, I think this is a great first page. Congrats! I wish you luck with the agents' round!
Best,
Mónica Bustamante Wagner
@Monica_BW
I really liked this, and I think the voice is going to be great.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph threw me, though. If this is a world where at least the main character is more familiar with drought than having adequate water, something like "a proper load of laundry" feels out of place. I've lived places where water is plentiful and also in CA during the endless droughts. When water is rationed, you think about it differently. You think about getting your clothes clean, not about a "load of laundry" which, I think for all of us, evokes a lot of water with clothes dumped in. If it's already far enough in the future that a paper book is considered "ancient" then I don't believe anyone in this world is still doing loads of laundry the way we conceive of them.
That was a long-winded way of saying "a proper load of laundry" broke my suspension of disbelief right at the start. It doesn't ring true that there's been a water shortage this person's whole life if they're contemplating things that no advanced, water-deficient society would be doing.
On the flip side of that, I love all the water-related imagery and figurative language. It's a great way to highlight the importance of water in this story while evoking mood and characterization.
Good luck to you!
Leah Petersen
www.leahpetersen.com
Cool premise and great voice. The writing seemed a little wordy in places. Like the second sentence could just read "Checking the gauge never changed that." The "Despite myself..." sentence could be left out because the reader already knows that Marin is staring. "Herself" in the 4th paragraph could be cut. "I really did." in the following paragraph also. Otherwise, very interesting conflict and I want to read more!
ReplyDelete