TITLE: Crew
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Abandoned by her former friends after a vicious rumor circulates about her, Rosaline, adrift, alone, and out of options, joins the high school stage crew and tries to find a place for herself among the school’s resident band of weirdos.
It’s not the moment your life collapses that’s the worst part.
It’s what comes after.
When you wake up from the nightmare to find out that it wasn’t, unfortunately, a nightmare, but your life, and you have to go on living it.
So this is me, approximately three months after my life ends and I have to start it all over again:
Sitting like a taut wire at the edge of one of those red velvet, deceptively uncomfortable auditorium seats, while on stage a short, skinny boy with skin issues is eking out Hamlet’s soliloquy.
“What dreams may come,” he squeaks, “When we have shuffled off this mortal coil—”
Which sounds exactly what I’d like to be doing right about now.
My knuckles are white. My intestines have tied themselves up into a knot and are currently trying to escape through my throat. I’m two people away from my audition. Some people have sucked, like this kid, but most have been pretty good.
And me? I’ve never done this before. But if we’re going to base this on my high school endeavors to date, I’m placing my bets on the “suck” end of the spectrum.
I could just get up and leave. I should just get up and leave.
But that would be admitting defeat. To Mom, to Vicky. To myself.
This was my last great idea. I’m out of options.
I take a deep breath. I can do this. I love plays. Especially Shakespeare. Especially Hamlet.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the premise and voice. You did a great job showing us how your MC feels and what the conflict is. Great job.
ReplyDeleteYay for theatre kids'! I'm right there with Rosaline, and ready to watch her fail miserably at the audition before falling into the pit of salvation. ;) You've got a solid voice going, and so far have done a good job of placing her in the "sad" end of the emotional spectrum without making her whiny.
ReplyDeleteI would split the logline into two sentences, it's way too comma-heavy. "Rosaline is abandoned by her former friends after a vicious rumor circulates about her. Adrift, alone, and out of options, she joins..."
I'm hooked and would keep reading.
Great. Voice. You definitely have me hooked. Two things - the third sentence is kind of choppy and when you wrote "my life ends" without the context of the log line it sounds like she's now a ghost recounting her life. Consider rephrasing that.
ReplyDeleteLove the first two sentences! Like the logline. The fifth sentence is a bit awkward, but other than that, it's all good. Would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like this! It seems fresh. Except I think you should ditch the first couple of paragraphs and just start with the "Sitting like a taut wire..." paragraph. That's where things get interesting, the previous stuff just reads like set up/filler and I don't think it's needed. I would read on to see how her audition goes.
ReplyDelete(A little late but here!) I’m going to be the odd one out, but while I loved the first two lines and agree that there’s voice, I found the voice a bit too generic to be hooked. The premise isn’t uncommon, so I really need a unique sense of character right from the start to be grabbed by this. The character I’m seeing so far seems pretty conventional. Maybe include something in your first page here that sets her apart? Something unexpected or even seemingly contradictory about her character would immediately interest me in *her*, enough to want to know more and keep reading.
ReplyDeleteBasically, some detail or hint that implies a character that’s more of an individual/more specific than “teenage girl who’s lost her place on the social ladder and is starting over by trying out for the school play”. Apart from that, I liked the writing style, and I thought it started in a great place. Good luck with this! :)