TITLE: Prime Vector
GENRE: YA YA Sci-Fi with Romantic Elements
In the new world, only immortals matter…
During a routine tour to Earth, first-year cadet Catita Johns witnesses the murder of her immortal twin, Ry Johns: something she believed to be impossible. When the incident is covered up, Catita agrees to take her sister’s post on the dreaded Forever Queen’s immortal army to unravel the mystery behind Ry’s death. She’s prepared to do whatever it takes, including living the rest of her life as someone else.
Catita
I glance out the window. Again. Every time, I expected to catch a glimpse of the Old Planet, but everything out there was black, vast empty space. The Epoch1955, the fastest ship on the Martian fleet, had been my home for the last twelve universal weeks. And though I knew it’d be years before I could download to the surface, I’d hoped to see Earth from a distance. No such luck. I glared at my wristband for what had to be the hundredth time since I left my bunk.
Ry’s not coming.
The halogen glow that replicated daylight in the Epoch dimmed another notch, turning the stark white walls to a soft grey. I should call it a night. With a sigh, I spun around and almost ran into a worker from the south quadrant. He ducked his gaze and stopped to let me pass. As protocol dictated, I kept my eyes forward, and strode past him. It was all about the dark uniform. The Forever Queen’s coat of arms alone commanded respect — and in most cases, fear. He had no clue I wasn’t a commando from the immortal army, the QEC, Queen’s Elite Cadre. But I was military; he had to play it safe.
Before I reached the end of the corridor, the elevator slid open. A unit of QEC lieutenants pounded out of it, laughing and shoving each other. If I’d had time to react, I would’ve done what the worker did.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the passage lot. There's a good voice and nice tension.
ReplyDeleteThe logline confuses me a little. If she witnesses her sister's death, why is it still a mystery? Is she herself mortal? Maybe there's a way to clarify that in the logline, or maybe it takes more explanation, but I would definitely keep reading to find out.
Perfect amount of world building in this opening, but you switch tenses throughout this excerpt (i.e. first sentence is present, third sentence is past, etc). I think if you fix that, it could be a great start!
ReplyDeleteThe log line was very powerful for me. I was hooked when you said it was something she believed was impossible. It created a powerful combination of the sadness in what she thought she knew and determination to find out why she was wrong. The part about living as someone else said a lot about her as well. Wonderful!
ReplyDeleteThoughts: I noticed the inconsistency in the tense too, so that would be my first suggestion. Also, the contrast between the contemplative looking out of the window didn't have the same feel for me as the technical information in the bit that followed it. It would have been nice to stay in that thought process with the MC just a tad longer. Both parts are beautifully written, I just wanted to stay in the first part more. Very intriguing!
I enjoyed this excerpt, I thought it flowed well and moved along quickly. I am curious what her interaction with the lieutenants will be so I would keep reading.
ReplyDelete