TITLE: Harm Ye None
GENRE: YA Magical Realism
An introspective Invisible strives to escape her born-again mother and the Cretins who make school a living hell, but when the new girl at school gives her the power to fight back, she discovers that getting everything what you want can change you for the worse.
Good girls don’t let everyone see their underwear. My mother’s voice is clear and concise even though, realistically, I know she’s miles away in her shop, and not currently squeezed into the bathroom stall with me. Still, the words tickle my ears. Mom has always been very black and white. Good girls don’t let people see their panties; only naughty girls do.
It’s a lesson my five-year-old self learned after going down the slide in my new Minnie Mouse skirt. The only thing running through my tiny brain was that the slide was the best thing in the world and I wanted to slide again and again. When my mother snatched me up from the bottom of the slide, I knew I was in trouble. I knew I’d done something wrong. I just didn’t know what.
“Dude, so what?” My best friend’s voice calls out to me from the other side of the blue, metal door. “So people caught a peek at your a**. You wouldn’t be the first girl to show your goods around here.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Well, at least you’re the only one of them that hasn’t whored yourself around school.”
My face is still firmly planted on my knees, my hands clasped on the back of my head. With the social suicide I had just committed, I’m assuming crash position. Put your head between your knees and kiss your a** goodbye. “It’s not even that everyone saw my panties.” Lie. “It’s which panties they saw.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love the voice here. Great teen feel. I also LOVE why she's upset. Assuming crash position... Fab. Not a huge fan of the shift into the past, though it was short. Keep us in the here and now for the first page. The slide bit can be just as effective a few paragraphs later. The glimpse of mom is also clear, though we never actually see here. The black or white mom. We know them. ;) Great start!
ReplyDeleteI really like this beginning. I didn't mind the flashback, but when it came back to the person talking, it was just a bit jarring. I don't know why, but I've read it a few times, and it feels like just a transition sentence might feel better before the friend speaks.
ReplyDeleteI was laughing out loud at the part about 'which panties'. That was hilarious and tied me directly to your character. It said so much and while nothing about your opening would have made me put the story down, that last line made it certain that I would have read a lot more!
I like the voice as well and didn't mind the brief shift into the past, though I know a lot of people don't like that. The logline combined with the text had me a little confused -- how can someone who's invisible show people anything? -- but I would keep reading as I'm curious to see what happens next.
ReplyDeleteAn entire page about showing panties, past and present, was a bit much lol. I would have liked to see the story move on a bit sooner. I like the writing though, it is breezy and kind of fun. (even though the log line makes it sound more serious.)
ReplyDelete