TITLE: The Woodsman's Rose
GENRE: Adult Historical Romance
1882, Arizona Territory. The setting is the wedding supper for Adam Donovan and Jesse Travers. Annie has just realized that the man she's loved all her life, Adam's twin brother Brian, is deeply in love with his twin's wife. The Donovans' younger brother Daniel attempts to comfort her.
**
He led her down the slope into the orchard, where benches were arranged among the trees. He sat beside her and did not let go of her hand.
“Annie...”
“It's hopeless. I know. I guess I've known all along.” Annie's voice trailed off in a whisper. She knew now that Brian wouldn't love her, and there was nothing that would change his heart.
Suppressing a sigh, she stood to go, but Daniel stepped in front of her. “Annie, there is a man who loves you.”
“Daniel...”
“Yes. Daniel.”
She listened in growing confusion as he told her of his love. Listened to the voice a childhood accident made sound like emery on slate, listened for the first time to the Irish lilt twining around the southern drawl. And heard a music she'd never heard before.
“Aroon, I love you.” He raised her face to his and kissed her with a tender passion she'd never dreamed him capable of. “Please give me a chance.”
Her tears fell, splashing on his hands. She heard him groan as he pulled her into his arms. The muscles rippled under his soft buckskin shirt. One part of her marveled at the way her head fit into the hollow between his shoulder and throat; another wondered at the tenderness of the hand that cradled her head, of the strong fingers that lost themselves in her long fine hair. A third part of her protested her fickleness―she'd always wanted Brian. What was she doing now in his brother's arms?
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is wonderful! I loved every word!
ReplyDeleteThis is very well written. As a reader I can clearly sense Annie's despair and confusion. The last paragraph is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI wanted more, especially in the paragraph that starts "She listened in growing confusion. . ." I wanted to hear Daniel professing his love for her, to read his words. Does the reader already know about the childhood accident which effected his voice? If not, maybe here isn't the proper place to intoduce it. For me, that line was confusing and pulled me out. At the same time, the description of his Irish lilt mixing with the southern drawl is wonderful.
Great writing. You pulled me into your setting as well as the characters in this short excerpt. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused when she said "Daniel..." Was she going to say "no there isn't? (as in no one loves me) or "please move?" and then he says, "Yes, Daniel." Had she actually guessed? I also wasn't sure he would talk about himself in third person. He seems like the type to say, "It's me. I'm the one."
I also wanted to hear more about the confusion, what she was hearing and how she was reacting to it. Also assuming we know what the childhood accident was and how it affected his speech (or whatever she is reacting to).
I think you could tighten up the last paragraph to keep us in the scene by taking out the "one part," "another [part]", "a third part"...and just say "Her head fit...his tender hand...his strong fingers...but she always wanted Brian. What was she doing now in his brother's arms?" That shows her fickleness, you don't need to tell the reader.
Really nice first kiss!
Thank you all for your feedback. To answer the question: this is the first time his accident is mentioned in this MS. Though readers of the 1st book in the series would know, new readers would not and, as I hope to be gaining new readers as I go along, I don't want to be confusing anyone. There is a better place I can think of right off the bat to put this information for the first time.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate all of your other comments as well. They've come just in time for the final edit of this MS! Thanks again.
[He led her down the slope into the orchard, where benches were arranged among the trees. He sat beside her and did not let go of her hand.]
ReplyDeleteThis paragraph poked two of my pet peeves. The first is passive voice in descriptions. Its so... passive. Instead, make the scene active. "He led her down the slope to one of the benches arranged among the trees in the orchard." (Well, not THAT, but you get the idea...) The second peeve is the use of the negative. Using negatives is wordy and, well, negative. Sometimes it's necessary to negate something, but generally, positive words make for a stronger picture. For example, "He kept hold of her hand." Again, these two things are my personal peeves, but I thought I'd point them out.
[“It's hopeless. I know. I guess I've known all along.” Annie's voice trailed off in a whisper. She knew now that Brian wouldn't love her, and there was nothing that would change his heart.]
The last sentence in the passage above is "showingly" redundant of her dialogue. She already said out loud everything the last sentence says. Trust your readers to understand her feelings. You don't need to spell them out again.
["She listened in growing confusion as he told her of his love."]
Ugh, what a punch in the gut. Why are you skipping this?! This would be some super wonderful dialogue that we could imagine in his voice that you described soooo well. I WANT to hear him pour his heart out and you stole the moment from me! Oh, so much pain. Nothing is sweeter than a guy spilling his feelings and it would set up the kiss so well. Don't skip over the good stuff in your story. Milk it and make ice cream.
And to leave on a nice note, I love the last paragraph. Wonderful use of the senses.