TITLE: Christmastime in the City
GENRE: Adult Romance
“That looks and smells amazing, but I can’t try it or do anything until I can say something.”
“Okay." Lena put the plate down and turned away from her computer to face Ryan fully. Her beautiful dark eyes looked directly at him, and the cut of her dress hinted at what he’d noticed this morning. But he couldn’t let himself be distracted.
“The past few days have been the most incredible of my life, and it’s all because of you. You have been – no, you are so amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you, and I’d be kicking myself the whole way home if I left without doing this.” He moved closer, wrapped a hand in her streaked hair, and kissed her.
Lena gasped, but the sound quickly fell away in the overwhelming rushes of touch and taste. Her hair felt silken underneath his fingers, and that floral scent was all around him now, nearly intoxicating him. Her lips were as soft as they looked, but didn’t taste like the berries they resembled. Instead he got a hint of coffee, honey and something creamy. And for one shining moment, her lips moved under his and she seemed to move closer, pressing her full chest into the top of his flat adbomen. His heart leaped, and the flutters below his stomach turned to jolts. Heat exploded through his body, and he could practically see a bright light behind his closed eyes.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wonderful! I loved the descriptions of your feelings!
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully descriptive. It was a very steamy scene and I could visualize everything. There were a couple of little things that I wasn't clear on and wondered about though which I'll note below:
ReplyDelete-I wondered about the positioning. Does it start with Lena sitting down, facing her computer with the plate beside her? Does she stand up or does Ryan lean down to kiss her? Maybe a few more words would make it easier to picture.
-the line about the cut of her dress..what body part does the dress accentuate?
-the line "but didn't taste like the berries" jarred me a little from the momentum of the scene perhaps if that was cut it might flow nicer like "her lips were soft and tasted like honey with a hint of coffee."
-the description of her lips tasting like something creamy had me wondering what creamy thing exactly.
Great description of the kiss. I really liked 'and that floral scent was all around him. . .' You did a good job including all senses.
ReplyDeleteI would echo what Marie said about the positioning, the cut of Lena's dress, and the taste of her lips. It is possible that the reader knows what Ryan noticed the other day about Lena's body, but it might help to describe the cut of the dress a bit more.
I am left wondering what came before this scene, and what comes after.
Excellent kiss scene! I also echo what has been said about the positioning, especially when I read "pressing her full chest into his flat abdomen." At first I thought she must be really short, then I went back to see if she was sitting and how she moved into him from a seated position. Anyway, I got pulled out and I'm sure this is a very simple fix.
ReplyDeleteYou have such great descriptors. I wanted to know what the floral scent was--or maybe he's smelled it before and can't put a finger on it.
Because she gasped when he first kissed her, I wanted just a tiny bit more about how her reaction softened, if it did. I did get that for a "shining moment" she seemed to move toward him, but I thought that brief moment left some room for her not really enjoying what was happening and I was wondering if he was being creepy. Maybe you could give a brief description of how she is melting to his touch :) or not.
It was nice to read from the guys pov. Great job!
You poked a peeve with "beautiful eyes". The problem is that "beautiful" isn't descriptive. It's opinion. I want more to chew on. Give me a more factual descriptor to hang my imaginary hat on. "The beautiful girl kissed the handsome man" makes me imagine my own version of what beautiful and handsome are and I want to know the people you are writing about, not my own. Granted, I know you've probably described her already, but, for me, "beautiful" detracts since it is so wishy-washy.
ReplyDeleteThe initial dialogue line also threw me since it isn't parsing well. He can't do anything else? Does that have something to do with tasting? I know the scene is ripped from its context, but I feel as though the dialogue is trying to say too much and unnecessarily. Breaking it into two sentences would help a lot, or figure out how to punctuate it to make what he's talking about clearer.
"He couldn't let himself be distracted." So... I really notice negatives in writing and they usually aren't necessary. Make this a positive statement and it will activate the scene more. "He pushed away these distracting thoughts" or something like that. Negation often brings a passive sort of feeling with it and you don't want that here.
To end with the positive: I really enjoyed this scene from the male perspective and his feelings are really coming through. I hope "the girl" is enjoying it as much as he is!