Query Quagmire: Critique Guidelines

Today's the day!  CONGRATULATIONS to our five winning entries, which you will see posted below.  You are warmly invited (and encouraged) to critique some or all of these entries while we wait for Danielle Burby's agently feedback.

Guidelines for Critique on MSFV:

• Please leave your critique for each entry in the comment box for that entry.
• Please choose a screen name to sign your comments. The screen name DOES NOT have to be your real name; however, it needs to be an identifiable name.  ("Anonymous" is not a name.)
• Critiques should be honest but kind, helpful but sensitive.
• Critiques that attack the writer or are couched in unkind words will be deleted.*
• Of special note: When leaving your thoughts on a query, please focus on WHY you are or are not hooked, rather than attempting to line edit the query.  
• ENTRANTS: As your way of "giving back", please critique at least 2 other entries.

*I can't possibly read every comment.  If you ever see a comment that is truly snarky, please email me.  I count on your help.