TITLE: Something Only We Know
GENRE: YA Lgbt drama
This scene’s set in a hospital lounge where Jayden and Jude are taking a break from the impending losses awaiting them
“One of my mom's books, it has a whole lot about making sure your loved ones know that you will be okay and that you can let them go,” Jayden said, tearing up, “so when I'm alone with my dad, I tell him, it's okay, and I'll be okay, that he can go.”
“Wow, I don't know if I could do that,” I told her.
“You could if your brother was really suffering, my dad is suffering when he is awake,” Jayden said.
“I hope I can be stronger, like you,” I said.
“It's not strong, it's that I don't have a choice. I can't beg him to stay with me. How could I?” she said.
We sat a bit more and she suddenly shoved me.
“What?” I asked.
“I'm just glad you are here,” she said.
“So you hit me?” I said, pretending to be really hurt.
“I didn't hit you, ya baby!” Jayden said.
“You shoved me!” I insisted.
“A little bit, gosh!” she said, smiling.
I looked her in the eyes and smiled too, “I'm glad you are here too. I mean I'm--. also sorry, for why you are here--”
“Yeah, I know, shut up, or I'll put that on the list too,” Jay said.
It felt so strange that I was having the best conversation and I felt like I had met a new best friend. Here of all places. Something just clicked with her and I knew we were supposed to meet, not to sound all spiritual or weird, but I felt like there was something with us that was really cool.
And then Jay kissed me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is sweet. You can see the juxtaposition between shared grieving and an emerging, slightly awkward relationship. A few suggestions: several of the sentences feel like run-ons. Break them up into smaller, tighter sentences if you can. Also, you could get rid of probably half of the dialogue tags. When they're exchanging rapid-fire lines, the tags tend to just clutter things up.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the emotional tension in the scene, but in some cases, especially in the first paragraph, the dialogue seems stilted and unrealistic. The sentences are a little too long, with oddly placed commas and a lack of contractions. One good trick is reading your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds natural. Try paring down some of the sentences to make them punchier and more realistic.
ReplyDeleteI like where you are headed, but the tags were too much. Instead of "I said, smiling." Perhaps consider...A smile crossed my face I couldn't control. (blah, but you get the idea). Let the emotion or action be your tag.
ReplyDeleteGreat build up to the kiss! I wanted a little more description once it actually happened. What next? What was the kiss like?
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Good luck!