TITLE: Diplomatic Immunity
GENRE: Adult Thriller
In her safehouse in Vermont, Diana worries about her life while the sniper is still after her and at large. As she's recovering from the wounds from the shooting, her feelings for Wesley, her bodyguard, are deeper.
“What’s on your mind? You’re so quiet lately and a bit solemn. I’ll keep your safe here. What you need is a good distraction and try to relax like this…” He sat closer to her and leaned in for a big kiss on her lips.
A jolt of heated electricity sent shockwaves coursing through her body. It flushed her cheeks and curled her toes. Talk about explosive fireworks! Her heart raced while she had fluttering butterflies in her growling stomach. She didn’t know she would feel this way about him and vice versa after knowing each other for a day. What was he like in the bedroom? She told herself not to go there.
“Wow!”
“I’ve been wanting to do that yesterday for the longest time.”
She cocked her brows and controlled her heartbeat into a steady rhythmic pace. “Even if I was in pain?”
He smiled. “Yep. But I wanted to wait until you were feeling better. Don’t worry. I won’t rush things and take things slow with you.”
“Thank you.” For a couple of minutes, she marveled if he fell in love with her photo at first sight in her dossier for his assignment. “What did Adrian tell you about my case this weekend?”
Wesley opened and then closed his mouth shut. “Adrian made the call Friday night and had arranged for me to come to your hospital room right away. He told me you were in grave danger and needed immediate protection from a sniper.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow, Wesley doesn't seem to beat around the bush! Nice.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest paring down the metaphors in the second paragraph. Electricity, fireworks and butterflies one right after the other makes it a little crowded. Also, it feels off to have Wesley close his mouth and then immediately speak. I'm seeing someone struggling to speak through closed lips, which I'm sure is not the image you were going for. ;)
Good luck!
I like the chemistry and narrative. But I do agree that three consecutive metaphors is kind of confusing, especially since they're all pretty standard ones. Instead of mixing in every usual "first kiss" metaphor, try and think of a really interesting, unique one.
ReplyDeleteOne other note, which is kind of unrelated: did I read that wrong, or has she only known Wesley for one day? That seems kind of problematic for a relationship--usually, people can't form deep love or romantic connection in one day. Now I can't help but picture a "love at first sight" scenario, which I find cliche, unrealistic, and misleading. Diana wondering what he's like "in bed" also promotes this idea of lust over true love. I'm not saying you can't pull off a realistic love story in a day, but, well, that's one busy day, and you'll have to work overtime to make the chemistry natural and realistic.
Katydid:
ReplyDeleteI liked your metaphors around the kiss! I wouldn't lean too much on metaphors, though--what was the kiss actually like? The literal taste of his mouth or sensation of his tongue?